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[quote=Anonymous]I need a quick reality check to see if I'm being unreasonable.  I have an 8 month old son and I recently became stay at home mom.  My mother in law lives 20 minutes away. On Monday morning she texted that she was planning to stop by, I texted back, "Sounds good, let me know what time".  She replied back "Will do" and then texted me at 2pm that she was on her way; twenty minutes later she was at the door.

I was annoyed that she didn't text me until she was on her way and we had a strained conversation when she arrived.  I wasn't at all impolite, I said that I wanted her to see her grandson whenever she wanted to but that I would like more notice and explained that it would help me to plan my day if she could tell me in advance when she was coming by.  She said something to the effect of "next time I'll make an appointment" and left pretty quickly after that.

I texted her the next day and she didn't reply back so I assumed she was still mad. Today, I texted her that I was sorry about our interaction on Monday and if she wanted to talk about it further I would be very happy to.  She wrote back that I made it "abundantly clear that her visits need to be planned well in advance or at my invitation". (Keep in mind, she is not a great communicator and let's most things go unspoken so when she says I made it "abundantly clear", it just means I brought it up in an adult and direct manner.) When I was on maternity leave she popped by a few times without notice and I said something then as well but not as direct. Then, it was more like, "Oh I wish I knew in advance that you were coming by, I would have showered".

So, to make a long story short, now that I am home full time, I felt I needed to set some healthy boundaries.  I responded to her last text saying "I don't want to have to invite you to see your grandson, you can just let me know whenever you want to see him.  The day before or even the morning of your visit is plenty of notice if you can tell me what time you're coming by. Thanks"

Is this a normal thing for stay at home moms that I just need to get over? Do friends or family show up saying "I was in the area so I thought I'd take a chance and see if you were home" or is it still customary to make plans in advance? If asking her to set a time to visit is being unreasonable, I truly want to know.  I don't want to be a cliché, the daughter-in-law that deprives her mother-in-law of time with her grandchild.   Additional opinions on this would be most helpful, thanks!

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