What to do when it feels like your life is crashing and burning?

[Anonymous]

A few years ago, DH started a new business. We were at the time very solid financially. We are middle-age and have young children.

Then, I got seriously ill for several months. Friends and family were sympathetic but largely left us alone and avoided talking about my illness. That was incredibly hard, but then thankfully I recovered.

We barely had time to catch our breath when the business started to fail. Now we are working non-stop to try to save it. We are still holding on financially, but are getting into uncomfortable territory for us. We are SO stressed and depleted. On the positive side, thankfully our kids are happy and healthy. (And we largely have our health but this is all taking a toll.) Our marriage is holding together but obviously strained.

I'm trying hard to keep this in perspective and to focus on gratitude. My health scare was MUCH worse, and I know so many families are in much worse, hellish/horrific situations. But I'm so, so tired. I'm just not bouncing back emotionally. Perhaps the toughest part of all this is that we are bearing this burden alone. I have tried therapy in the past but haven't found it to be effective. (Talking for sessions on end with no strategies....I don't particularly want to spend a fortune just to "vent".) There truly is no one with whom I can discuss this, other than DH.

What do you do to keep your chin up? What strategies have you used to recover from a major failure? (Honestly this is a first for us - until now, we have had successful lives/careers.)

I know that this is DCUM but I'd really appreciate it if you'd keep flames to yourself today. I'm reaching out into the ethers hoping for some support and ideas for navigating this. TIA.

[Anonymous]

You haven't found the right therapist. I would encourage you to try some others out, hopefully they are recos from trusted people.

Do you have any concrete steps if the business completely fails? Are one of you able to get a more stable job?

[Anonymous]

When my mother killed herself, I crashed. Hard. The only way I made it through was by making my life really, really small. It was all I could handle and felt big enough to manage. Small. I'd spend hours caressing my baby girl. We'd bathe together. I would work on a single small project. Life just felt too big, loud but empty. Everything was autopilot. Slowly, slowly my life expanded.

You talk about your children and marriage. Hold those close. Keep at the work and remember that health scare. It felt endless and huge, but now it's in the past. So will this, eventually.

Keep digging at the work. Have lots of sex with your DH---scared sex, angry sex, loving sex. Be that team. Set aside time for your children, whom you can love and care for with abandon. Nourish yourself. Everything else will come, and you'll be ready for it.

[Anonymous]

You might need an anti-depressant. And, yes, a better therapist.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Something similar happened to my sibling. They were let go from their insurance jobs of 25 years. We encouraged them to look for jobs right away because of their age. My sister chose to live off her buyout thinking she'd find something right away. He was high up in their company, but somehow got the idea to buy a building and go into the hardware business. The business never took off, they owed 500k and it was one big mess. Lost their home in the process, he refused to go back into what he knew...insurance. My sister didn't want to drive further than 15 minutes so took a low paying job.
Luckily today she has a small pension, but her lifestyle has downgraded because of all the poor decisions.

I don't know your situation, but if the business doesn't take off time to get jobs and continue to sock money away so you have a nice retirement etc. Her husband fyi used his retirement for the business, sadly after that it was a domino effect.

The saddest thing is it aged them and took it's toll, plus since they had lousy insurance they didn't go to the doctors like they should. Otherwise he would have been put on statins, etc. Like I said a domino effect of poor decisions. They wasted many years throwing good money to bad. He ended up dying of a heart attack so she's a widow right now.

OP it sounds like you two should walk away, take care of your health and get job security minus all that stress. Your post really reminded me of my sister's ordeal.

[Anonymous]

OP instead of a therapist you both need to change your life. A business doesn't sound like a good idea at this stage of life. You mentioned you both had good careers. I'd get back to that, walk away from the business if need be or sell it if possible. From there I think other things will fall into place.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there. My husband started a business six months ago and it is taking a huge toll on our marriage. I am hoping it gets better too.

[Anonymous]

OP...do you still have a stable career and benefits? DH started his own business and i remain the one who is paying the nortgage and essential bills. That keeps us sane and afloat. His busness is now profitable, but for 3 years took no paycheck and reinvested every penny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When my mother killed herself, I crashed. Hard. The only way I made it through was by making my life really, really small. It was all I could handle and felt big enough to manage. Small. I'd spend hours caressing my baby girl. We'd bathe together. I would work on a single small project. Life just felt too big, loud but empty. Everything was autopilot. Slowly, slowly my life expanded.

You talk about your children and marriage. Hold those close. Keep at the work and remember that health scare. It felt endless and huge, but now it's in the past. So will this, eventually.

Keep digging at the work. Have lots of sex with your DH---scared sex, angry sex, loving sex. Be that team. Set aside time for your children, whom you can love and care for with abandon. Nourish yourself. Everything else will come, and you'll be ready for it.

e

Not OP but someone else who is dealing with a tremendous amount of stress. This post really helped me! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for your responses. They have helped more than I can express.

We have been pretty careful with our finances so we aren't anticipating a spiral situation like a PP described. I am working, he has another steady income source, we have insurance, etc. If the business status quo doesn't change by the summer, he will pull the plug and we will take the hit.

The anxiety is related to the potential collateral damage of closing, plus the loss of a decades-long dream. No matter what happens, we'll be able to say on our deathbeds that we took our shot, but there is no doubt that it will be very painful for us if it fails. I'm struggling to deal with that emotional reality I guess, plus the fear of all the unknowns is hard.

We've been through so much that we are running out of gas at this point. I like PP's suggestion to simplify more and put more focus on our marriage and children. I did that when I was sick and it did help me get through that.

My other question is related to the social shame of a failure like this. (I felt a bit of an "otherness" feeling when I was sick, but not exactly shame, just removed socially.) I suppose there isn't a way to avoid the sting, but does anyone have "survival" suggestions for that?

[Anonymous]

OP, join some entrepreneurship meetups or groups. Depression is a very common issue among founders of companies, but there are some good coping startegies. Listening to people who have failed, and chose to pursue other interests, or go back to jobs, or try again, as well as sharing your story with others can all be helpful. Some light reading here: https://www.inc.com/magazine/201309/jessica-bruder/psychological-price-of-entrepreneurship.html

[Anonymous]

Failure is a part of success. It is a learning process and a path to achieving success.

businessinsider.com/successful-people-who-failed-at-first-2015-7

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago, DH started a new business. We were at the time very solid financially. We are middle-age and have young children.

Then, I got seriously ill for several months. Friends and family were sympathetic but largely left us alone and avoided talking about my illness. That was incredibly hard, but then thankfully I recovered.

We barely had time to catch our breath when the business started to fail. Now we are working non-stop to try to save it. We are still holding on financially, but are getting into uncomfortable territory for us. We are SO stressed and depleted. On the positive side, thankfully our kids are happy and healthy. (And we largely have our health but this is all taking a toll.) Our marriage is holding together but obviously strained.

I'm trying hard to keep this in perspective and to focus on gratitude. My health scare was MUCH worse, and I know so many families are in much worse, hellish/horrific situations. But I'm so, so tired. I'm just not bouncing back emotionally. Perhaps the toughest part of all this is that we are bearing this burden alone. I have tried therapy in the past but haven't found it to be effective. (Talking for sessions on end with no strategies....I don't particularly want to spend a fortune just to "vent".) There truly is no one with whom I can discuss this, other than DH.

What do you do to keep your chin up? What strategies have you used to recover from a major failure? (Honestly this is a first for us - until now, we have had successful lives/careers.)

I know that this is DCUM but I'd really appreciate it if you'd keep flames to yourself today. I'm reaching out into the ethers hoping for some support and ideas for navigating this. TIA.

when my life crashed, and I was unable to deal with the chaos, a doctor gave me wise advice that has stuck with me. Thank you Dr. Zacks. This single most damaging thing you can do to your children is kill yourself.

other tips are really ways to scrape by
- dont drink, it only makes it worse
- exercise vigorously with a class, spining or yoga or bodypump.
- get rid of stress, get rid of friends that are a burden, get rid of family that are a burden, you have to focus on yourself and family.
- get a job to keep you busy
- take it one day at a time

[Anonymous]

Op I think you should pick one friend or family member you think you can trust and tell them how you are feeling. The isolation of keeping this all to yourself is making it worse. There is no reason to feel ashamed about the business troubles. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

I see and hear a few different things in your thread.

1) you've gone through a lot for a long period of time and you sound like your "tank" is getting low. You need to think about what kinds of things energize you (as a couple). Is it positive dreams and visioning together? Is it the happy moments of being a family? Is it happy times together as adults (date nights)? Is it physical exercise (celebrating good health)? You need to start filling your tank. For some couples, therapy fills their tank (helps them understand each other better, helps them reduce stress and regain love and connection), but you don't sound to me like one of those couples. Could you take that money and invest it to refuel your tank?

2) you sound isolated as a couple. Is it possible you're embarrassed to discuss why the business is having trouble? I think you want to think about safe ways to break open. I like the idea of meetups for new business owners. SBA has some stuff. But Is it possible the bigger thing is that you were hurt by the withdrawal of friends when you got sick? if it's about what happened with your health, I'd reach back out to one or two of these friends. Ask if they want to reconnect with you over coffee. There's a book by Sheryl Sandburg that I want to read: Option B about how people treated her after he husband died and how everyone stopped talking to her. The book provides advice about how to help us get over the paralysis and silence that drops social situations when bad things happen.

3) when I went through the worst period of my life (trying to separate from my XH, taking care of a sick dad, trying to save money so we could move out of an angry home), I started a gratitude journal. It's hard to keep track of the good, but happiness is not something "out there" it's something that has to be cultivated inside us.