Would you respond (ex-friend related)

[Anonymous]

I have an ex-best friend. We haven't spoken in almost 8 years. She ran into a family member and reached out saying she saw this person/hope you are doing well. I responded back saying 'wow, small world, hope you are doing well as well." I thought convo was over, but nope she responded and I see now is peaking around my other social media. I think she wants me to respond (she didn't ask a question, but made an open ended comment).

I am torn - in some regard, I feel like a nicer person than I was 8 years ago and should give her another chance. The other part of me is says let it go.

Back story on why we aren't friends: she basically treated me as her fall back friend. I was always there for her, but she wasn't dependable when I needed her. Also, I would see her lie and use people to get what she wanted from them. I finally told her she wasn't the same person I became friends with and I wasn't interested in continuing.

[Anonymous]

Let it go.

[Anonymous]

You say you're a nicer person now. I read that as "I am even more of a pushover and more easily manipulated than I was 8 years ago."

WHY would you give HER another chance? Has SHE changed? She sounds like a user. I would not rekindle the friendship.

[Anonymous]

You're not over it clearly so let it go. I'm sure she has no interest in hashing out an 8 year old fight, just seeing if maybe you all had reached a life stage to naturally reconnect.

[Anonymous]

Eh. If Shen dumped you, she's gonna need to come harder than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not over it clearly so let it go. I'm sure she has no interest in hashing out an 8 year old fight, just seeing if maybe you all had reached a life stage to naturally reconnect.

Considering she never acknowledged her behavior (to me), yeah we aren't just going to reconnect like nada happened. However, at one point she was an awesome person - she just morphed into this person that was not an awersome person.

And, before everyone jumps on me, we have a couple mutual friends that also dropped her about 6/7 years ago, for the same behavior. Sooo, it isn't just me. An acquaintance did tell me that ex-best friend admitted about five years ago she had lost like all her friends.

[Anonymous]

Was the reason for the change valid?

Death of loved one, trauma, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the reason for the change valid?

Death of loved one, trauma, etc

No - we weren't in HS, but the best way to describe it is she went from 'nerd' to 'cool' (think Mean Girls). Kind of ridiculous since we are adults, but probably the best way to describe it. She fine tuned her social presence and got better style - ditched her friends when convenient and would flat out lie to people she didn't know well or strangers to improve their view of her. One time she lied about something stupid and small to some random cab driver. I asked her why - her answer was basically because she could.

I've honestly never seen someone change so dramatically (like the core of who they are).

[Anonymous]

Unless she comes around with an apology about having "seen the light" about her past behaviour, I don't see the point in opening the door any further.

[Anonymous]

I dont see how responding would benefit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not over it clearly so let it go. I'm sure she has no interest in hashing out an 8 year old fight, just seeing if maybe you all had reached a life stage to naturally reconnect.

Considering she never acknowledged her behavior (to me), yeah we aren't just going to reconnect like nada happened. However, at one point she was an awesome person - she just morphed into this person that was not an awersome person.

And, before everyone jumps on me, we have a couple mutual friends that also dropped her about 6/7 years ago, for the same behavior. Sooo, it isn't just me. An acquaintance did tell me that ex-best friend admitted about five years ago she had lost like all her friends.

I'm not judging you for not wanting to reconnect or saying you have an obligation to do so. Just pointing out that someone reaching out tentatively after 8 years is likely just putting a toe in the water and uninterested in a deep dive into a old fight.

You seem SUPER defensive about the whole thing which mean imo you're still carrying around a lot of resentment and should do both of you a favor and not respond

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say you're a nicer person now. I read that as "I am even more of a pushover and more easily manipulated than I was 8 years ago."

WHY would you give HER another chance? Has SHE changed? She sounds like a user. I would not rekindle the friendship.

+1 unless her open ended comment was about how much of a jerk she used to be, how she realizes you felt the brunt of it, how's she's really worked the last 8 years to make herself a better friend and a better person, and how sorry she is, then there is no open ended comment that should elicit a response from you.

Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not over it clearly so let it go. I'm sure she has no interest in hashing out an 8 year old fight, just seeing if maybe you all had reached a life stage to naturally reconnect.

Considering she never acknowledged her behavior (to me), yeah we aren't just going to reconnect like nada happened. However, at one point she was an awesome person - she just morphed into this person that was not an awersome person.

And, before everyone jumps on me, we have a couple mutual friends that also dropped her about 6/7 years ago, for the same behavior. Sooo, it isn't just me. An acquaintance did tell me that ex-best friend admitted about five years ago she had lost like all her friends.

I'm not judging you for not wanting to reconnect or saying you have an obligation to do so. Just pointing out that someone reaching out tentatively after 8 years is likely just putting a toe in the water and uninterested in a deep dive into a old fight.

You seem SUPER defensive about the whole thing which mean imo you're still carrying around a lot of resentment and should do both of you a favor and not respond

I am not resentful, but I think the whole thing is weird. If I decide to respond, there will be a line that if she can't acknowledge past mistakes and say she is different - then, I am not interested. I don't considered what happened a fight - I one day just told her I wasn't interested in being friends with someone of her character and when she wants to treat me and our mutual friends better, then we can be friends. I haven't spent the last 8 years waiting for an apology - I have filled it with people who are awesome to be around. She is the one that reached out to me and is now stalking my social media after I didn't respond to her last message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not over it clearly so let it go. I'm sure she has no interest in hashing out an 8 year old fight, just seeing if maybe you all had reached a life stage to naturally reconnect.

Considering she never acknowledged her behavior (to me), yeah we aren't just going to reconnect like nada happened. However, at one point she was an awesome person - she just morphed into this person that was not an awersome person.

And, before everyone jumps on me, we have a couple mutual friends that also dropped her about 6/7 years ago, for the same behavior. Sooo, it isn't just me. An acquaintance did tell me that ex-best friend admitted about five years ago she had lost like all her friends.

I'm not judging you for not wanting to reconnect or saying you have an obligation to do so. Just pointing out that someone reaching out tentatively after 8 years is likely just putting a toe in the water and uninterested in a deep dive into a old fight.

You seem SUPER defensive about the whole thing which mean imo you're still carrying around a lot of resentment and should do both of you a favor and not respond

I am not resentful, but I think the whole thing is weird. If I decide to respond, there will be a line that if she can't acknowledge past mistakes and say she is different - then, I am not interested. I don't considered what happened a fight - I one day just told her I wasn't interested in being friends with someone of her character and when she wants to treat me and our mutual friends better, then we can be friends. I haven't spent the last 8 years waiting for an apology - I have filled it with people who are awesome to be around. She is the one that reached out to me and is now stalking my social media after I didn't respond to her last message.

I think it's weird to be invested enough to be listing her sins 8 years after the fact. I don't know how old you are but if this happened in your 20s then she's probably an entirely different person today and might just be wondering about your life. Sometimes people wonder about other people they were once close with. Doesn't make someone a creepy stalker for reaching out.

It's also not weird to peruse someone's Facebook after they randomly come up in your life nearly a decade after you knew them either honestly. Or if it is than everyone I know is weird!

If you don't want to be friends with her or talk to her don't. But I feel like you're trying really hard to assure yourself you're on some moral high ground here. You have zero obligation to reconnect with someone who once hurt you. You also don't have to relish in shutting them down and come up with 7000 reasons to justify it. Sounds like you two grew apart as your life priorities shifted. That's cool. Let it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont see how responding would benefit you.

Yep. Unless you miss the drama, blow her off.