Last name for future adopted kid of gay dads

[Anonymous]

DH and I are in the process of adopting a kid from foster care. We got married a few years ago, and we both kept our last names. We're not really interested in changing them. Wondering if we should give the kid a hyphenated last name of both of our last names, pick one of ours, or let the kid keep his or her last name (it's an older kid from foster care, so -- unlike with an infant -- we're going to have to discuss it with them). Anyway, I'm interested in hearing what other LGBT adoptive parents in similar situations have used for their kids' last names, in addition to any other helpful thoughts/insights you might have into this issue or the process you used to discuss the issue with your kid. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

What has your social worker and/or counselor advised?

[Anonymous]

I'm neither LGBT nor an adoptive parent, but I would say the first and only really important question is whether your child changes his/her name; that is, if she wants to, what the social worker thinks, etc. So I would sort this out with social worker and child first and foremost. (My gut reaction is that the symbolism of changing an adopted child's name is important but shouldn't be done without the child's agreement.)

If the decision is made to change the child's name, then the name you choose should be whatever you and your DH decide--just as it is for all parents. My DH and I have different last names, and 20 years ago (when I was pregnant with #1), we decided to give all our kids DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. (In part because I thought at the time that hyphenated names were unwieldy in our culture and in part because our families were already flummoxed that I hadn't taken DH's last name.) This has worked out fine for us (I've never had any external difficulties or internal angst with having a different last name from the rest of the family), and I have no regrets about making this choice, but if I were making the decision today, I would hyphenate the kids' last name. And if you're looking for advice, that's the advice I'd offer you.

Whatever decision you make about a new last name, you might consider asking your child if he wants to use his current last name as a middle name.

Best wishes to you and your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

Hyphen for the kid?

[Anonymous]

I say this as an adoptive parent of older children- changing their last name is really important. It's the most concrete way they know that they are adopted. You can either hyphenate or do the middle name one last name other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What has your social worker and/or counselor advised?

OP here. Social worker has advised having an idea of what we want before broaching with the kid but at the same time being flexible if the kid wants to keep their last name. Which seems a reasonable approach. We're leaning toward changing the kiddo's last name and hyphenating both of ours, but I wanted to get an idea of others' approach.

[Anonymous]

I kept my last name. Children have my name as a middle and his as a last. so Larla Jones Johnson.

Never had a problem at school, airports, etc.

[Anonymous]

I will share my mom's experience as a child adopted after her parents died when she was 11 mos old and her brother 3-4 yrs old: her adoptive parents didn't change their last name. As teenagers, she and her brother asked to legally change to their adoptive family's name to make clear their connection/commitment to the family.

If it's an older child, I think it's fair to invite the child to share your name, to keep the birth name, to find some combination of both, but make clear that whatever the child decides you love the child and the child is a true part of the family. In your case it's already the situation that family members have different last names. Maybe think about calling yourselves the Smith-Jones-Thompson clan - Team SJT - something that the kid can hear as each of you being part of the unit.

[Anonymous]

DW and I adopted our DD 4 years ago. We have different last names. We gave DD her last name as a last name and my last name as a middle name.
I didnt feel strongly about mine being the last name I just knew I wanted it in their somewhere.

Also, DW's parents live locally ( mine are overseas) and I knew they would like it if DD had their last name. She is the only Grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Hyphenated names are tedious unless both names are short. Schwartzenburg-Donovan is not good; Burne-Jones is ok. Do one of your names as the last name and, if possible, the other last name as a middle name.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should be open to whatever your child would like, and remaining flexible, even as he or she ages and may change their mind.

I'm not LGBT, but I am an adult adoptee and an adoptive parent, AND I myself have a hyphenated name. In my experience, hyphenating is cumbersome and annoying, and if it wasn't such a pain in the ass, I'd change my name to either just my maiden name or my husband's last name, but not both. FWIW, all of my kids, whether adopted or bio, have my husband's last name.

Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

LGBT adoptive parent here. Also adopted older kids and have many friends who also did older kid adoptions. Kids all have my last name. That's because we adopted prior to legalization of gay marriage and so one of us had to adopt. It was me because I did the paperwork. Later, after we were sure we had enough kids, we did the second parent adoption and also got married. We all kept our last names. Even though our names are short, the hyphenation thing seemed too cumbersome to us.

Obviously, we didn't care much about which last name we used. But we do believe having our last name is important.

My only comment to you is that I personally think it's a bad idea to allow a child to keep his last name instead of changing it to a family last name. One of the biggest challenges with adopting an older child is making them feel part of your family, comfortable in your home and confident they are staying, no matter what. It sends a message when you don't change the last name.

Good luck and congratulations to you and your family. Adopting kids was the best, most rewarding and most challenging thing we e ever done.

[Anonymous]

Just a thought - who carries the health insurance? Might be easiest to use that as the kid's last name (and use the other spouse's as the middle name).

[Anonymous]

If the kids are old enough to ask, ask them. When we adopted, we did two last names no hyphen assuming the child could drop on. My husband offered to just use my last name but I thought it might be weird given he's a very active dad. It gets complicated with school and medical but child uses both last names and corrects anyone who just says one. I would probably keep the child's name and just add one or both of your last names using their previous as a middle in less there are safety issues. I don't think having the same last name is as important as others make it sound to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought - who carries the health insurance? Might be easiest to use that as the kid's last name (and use the other spouse's as the middle name).

Its not an issue. We have two last names and it often defaults to mine and insurance is under Dad's name.