Last name for future adopted kid of gay dads

[Anonymous]

I'm an adoptive parent, but single so that's different. I'm also a teacher so I've seen plenty of kids with last names.

I know families who

-- Use one parent's last name. Sometimes one parent takes the lead on the process or values their name more than the other.

-- Hyphenate

-- Make up a new name that blends the two old names (I know a family where one parent is Hollister, and one is Hammond, and the kids are Holland)

-- Make up a new name that is unrelated (I know a family where parents had two different names and chose a name that was meaningful for the kids. When parents married they changed their names to the new name too. New name is totally unrelated to both parents' original names.)

All of them seem to work out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an adoptive parent, but single so that's different. I'm also a teacher so I've seen plenty of kids with last names.

I know families who

-- Use one parent's last name. Sometimes one parent takes the lead on the process or values their name more than the other.

-- Hyphenate

-- Make up a new name that blends the two old names (I know a family where one parent is Hollister, and one is Hammond, and the kids are Holland)

-- Make up a new name that is unrelated (I know a family where parents had two different names and chose a name that was meaningful for the kids. When parents married they changed their names to the new name too. New name is totally unrelated to both parents' original names.)

All of them seem to work out fine.

Don't make up names or blend. That is bizarre. One last name and one as middle, two last names, two last names with hyphen or just one last name.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would suggest involving all of the names, in the form [given first name] [given middle name] [birth surname as second middle] [hyphenated surname]. That may be a somewhat unusual option but in my extended family it's fairly common for kids to have two middle names (a total of three given names) and hyphenated surnames aren't all that rare either.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian mom here: both our of kids have my last name (birth mother) and my wife's last name as their middle name. We did not want to hyphenate because we knew that one name typically gets dropped when hyphenated.

So if you don't want to hyphenate, but want to include both last names, that is one option.

Congratulations to you and your husband!

[Anonymous]

We decided to hypenate our kid's name so the kid would have a connection to both of his moms in the eyes of others (school, doctors offices).

[Anonymous]

Adoptive mom of a child who was 7 at time of adoption.

It is SO important that you change her/his last name. My 7.5 year old is now 22. She would not have wanted to grow up without being connected to our name(s). It is a tangible sign to all the world that she is ours. We did not give her the option and she never questioned it and easily wrote the new name on her school papers. She was happy about the adoption and still is. She remembers the "before" part. Changing the last name was explained as part of adoption, of what happens with adoption. Your social worker can explain this once you have decided on the last name. Then you can follow up. The kid may know and expect this anyway. Personally, I would not give your child the choice. You want to give them the message that they are permanently part of your family. If you give them the idea that you are not including them in your family name, you are sending a message of your ambivalence. I am very active in older adoption circles and don't know of a single family who did not change their child's last name.

That said, our DD kept her first name which is a nice tie to her birthfamily. They chose that name and I believe she could not have changed that first name at age 7 without an identity crisis. She has two middle names, one of which is my last name. She has the last name of my DH. All the kids in the family have those two last names, one as a middle name. It's a tangible bonding thing for them and us.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thanks so much, everyone!

[Anonymous]

No opinion on the name although I like the idea of making sure you are all connected with a name.

Just wanted to thank you for adopting an older kid. I know several that aged out of the system, and it's not pleasant. Thank you for giving someone a family. <3

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of all 3 of you going with the hypenated name. The timing of the change becoming the "Smith-Jones" family. It's a change, but it's a change you all go through together, not just the child.

[Anonymous]

Deffinitely change the name. My son started using his then stepdad's last name several years before the adoption went through--fortunately for us, the school was very easy-going about it and allowed him to write John Smith on everything instead of his legal John Doe. Seems to me that identity matters. FWIW, my last name is different from both of those, but I've since hyphenated my last name as well so everyone matches (more or less).

[Anonymous]

I was adopted by my Mother's second husband when I was 6. I had no contact with my bio-dad. I was given the choice and chose to keep my last name. I felt that it was the only thing I had from my bio-dad.

[Anonymous]

My friends adopted a kid before gay marriage was legal in their state, so they gave him one of their names as a middle name and the other name as his last name. One name is hard to spell so that's the middle name so he didn't have to deal with spelling it for the world.

Re insurance. It doesn't matter, my son does not have the same last name as me, and the only thing that has ever happened is sometimes I get called "Ms child's last name"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought - who carries the health insurance? Might be easiest to use that as the kid's last name (and use the other spouse's as the middle name).

NP here. Medicaid is the insurance. Kids keep medicaid even after adopted.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian mom of kiddo adopted from foster care, too.

I changed to my wife's last name when we adopted, even after we had been married 10 years. It's traumatic for the child to have to lose their name, and I wanted her to know she wasn't going through that alone. That it wasn't just like 'I get to keep MY name, but you have to change yours." So I changed too.

I say - either everyone has the same last name, OR everyone gets to keep their birth name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive mom of a child who was 7 at time of adoption.

It is SO important that you change her/his last name. My 7.5 year old is now 22. She would not have wanted to grow up without being connected to our name(s). It is a tangible sign to all the world that she is ours. We did not give her the option and she never questioned it and easily wrote the new name on her school papers. She was happy about the adoption and still is. She remembers the "before" part. Changing the last name was explained as part of adoption, of what happens with adoption. Your social worker can explain this once you have decided on the last name. Then you can follow up. The kid may know and expect this anyway. Personally, I would not give your child the choice. You want to give them the message that they are permanently part of your family. If you give them the idea that you are not including them in your family name, you are sending a message of your ambivalence. I am very active in older adoption circles and don't know of a single family who did not change their child's last name.

That said, our DD kept her first name which is a nice tie to her birthfamily. They chose that name and I believe she could not have changed that first name at age 7 without an identity crisis. She has two middle names, one of which is my last name. She has the last name of my DH. All the kids in the family have those two last names, one as a middle name. It's a tangible bonding thing for them and us.

Good luck!

THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. EVERYTHING should be a case by case basis. You can't just make blanket statements like that. You have to do what is in the best interest of the child - and that is not the same for every child. My god.