Last name for future adopted kid of gay dads

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adoptive mom of a child who was 7 at time of adoption.

It is SO important that you change her/his last name. My 7.5 year old is now 22. She would not have wanted to grow up without being connected to our name(s). It is a tangible sign to all the world that she is ours. We did not give her the option and she never questioned it and easily wrote the new name on her school papers. She was happy about the adoption and still is. She remembers the "before" part. Changing the last name was explained as part of adoption, of what happens with adoption. Your social worker can explain this once you have decided on the last name. Then you can follow up. The kid may know and expect this anyway. Personally, I would not give your child the choice. You want to give them the message that they are permanently part of your family. If you give them the idea that you are not including them in your family name, you are sending a message of your ambivalence. I am very active in older adoption circles and don't know of a single family who did not change their child's last name.

That said, our DD kept her first name which is a nice tie to her birthfamily. They chose that name and I believe she could not have changed that first name at age 7 without an identity crisis. She has two middle names, one of which is my last name. She has the last name of my DH. All the kids in the family have those two last names, one as a middle name. It's a tangible bonding thing for them and us.

Good luck!

THIS IS TERRIBLE ADVICE. EVERYTHING should be a case by case basis. You can't just make blanket statements like that. You have to do what is in the best interest of the child - and that is not the same for every child. My god.

[phone] so bizarre. I am terrified reading some of the comments in here, people giving blanket advise without knowing the child's situation, environment, psycho-assessment,ect. OP, please listen to your social worker, she has dealt with the child for much longer than anyone on DCUM and should have assessed her appropriately tot determine what would be less damaging in her/his situation, so go with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought - who carries the health insurance? Might be easiest to use that as the kid's last name (and use the other spouse's as the middle name).

NP here. Medicaid is the insurance. Kids keep medicaid even after adopted.

Decent parents put them on their private and keep the medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought - who carries the health insurance? Might be easiest to use that as the kid's last name (and use the other spouse's as the middle name).

NP here. Medicaid is the insurance. Kids keep medicaid even after adopted.

Decent parents put them on their private and keep the medicaid.

Why would I put her on my insurance? Medicaid is awesome! Seriously. Decent parents? You're an ass.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian mom here - we decided to give our kids my last name and my wife's last as middle. No regrets so far.

[Anonymous]

Hyphen is considered posh in some countries. Congratulation on adopting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought - who carries the health insurance? Might be easiest to use that as the kid's last name (and use the other spouse's as the middle name).

NP here. Medicaid is the insurance. Kids keep medicaid even after adopted.

Decent parents put them on their private and keep the medicaid.

Why would I put her on my insurance? Medicaid is awesome! Seriously. Decent parents? You're an ass.

Because you re her parents and should provide equal to what you would if she were your biological child. I cannot imagine not having our child on our insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought - who carries the health insurance? Might be easiest to use that as the kid's last name (and use the other spouse's as the middle name).

NP here. Medicaid is the insurance. Kids keep medicaid even after adopted.

Decent parents put them on their private and keep the medicaid.

Why would I put her on my insurance? Medicaid is awesome! Seriously. Decent parents? You're an ass.

Because you re her parents and should provide equal to what you would if she were your biological child. I cannot imagine not having our child on our insurance.

NP here,

My kid's medical situation wasn't the same as it would have been if he was my biological child. His medical situation was directly related to things that happened to him before he came to us. Accepting help from Medicaid to deal with those issues made sense.

In my case, my kid is on my insurance too, only because my work automatically covered him at 100%. There were times when having him on a double insurance policy was a pain in the neck, or a significant expense. For example, our private medical insurance didn't cover a lot of DME (wheelchairs, feeding pumps, other equipment), but since they were "primary" we had to go through an approval process every time to get proof that we were rejected before Medicaid would cover. In addition, our private insurance only covered one supplier for consumable medical supplies (things like feeding tube bags), and that supplier was terribly unreliable. My friends who just had Medicaid had a much better experience.

Finally, there are sometimes expenses associated with foster child adoption that aren't always there otherwise. I know I missed an enormous amount of work due to medical appointments. This leave was unpaid because I had used up all my paid leave on maternity leave. So, if I could have made up some of that expense by dropping duplicate insurance, I would have.

[Anonymous]

My siblings were adopted (as infants, so not the same as your situation) but my parents gave them 2 middle names - the first was a middle name chosen for my siblings and the second middle name was their birth name, then each got our family last name. OP maybe your soon to be adopted child could do something similar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought - who carries the health insurance? Might be easiest to use that as the kid's last name (and use the other spouse's as the middle name).

NP here. Medicaid is the insurance. Kids keep medicaid even after adopted.

Decent parents put them on their private and keep the medicaid.

Why would I put her on my insurance? Medicaid is awesome! Seriously. Decent parents? You're an ass.

Because you re her parents and should provide equal to what you would if she were your biological child. I cannot imagine not having our child on our insurance.

You don't know what you're talking about. If the child is on HSCSN in dC, which is medicaid for kids with disabilties, you CANNOT have them on any other insurance. And HSCSN (health services for children with special needs) provides for a whole lot that private insurance won't (like over 300 hours per year of respite care). So stop talking out of your ass like you know anything about adoption or Medicaid or loving your kids equally.