Spouse never on my side

[Anonymous]

And it is killing me.
I know he does not love me, but all I want is to raise my kids and retire. He has publicly undermined me and on two occasions, other people have seen it, making me look bad.
The latest, after a discussion with a sibling about how tired I am, after working 60 + erratic hours a week, long commute, I decided that I need more help.
I can't afford to pay the maid more, so I thought about asking her to shift her focus from my kids' rooms and bathrooms to my laundry. This would mean that my kids who are teens, would have to clean their own spaces. When I told my husband, he looked skeptical and said that the kids have hard lives too, school and sports. This was typical for him, but nauseating for me. My husband does not know any woman who works as hard as I do. I work harder than he does. It's like he is out to get me.

[Anonymous]

Girl, life is too short to live like this! Can you afford to leave?

[Anonymous]

You work 60 hours per week and can't afford to pay the maid more?

Something there strikes me as odd.

Don't work so hard. Don't have a maid.

[Anonymous]

He's a dick.

[Anonymous]

Your kids should absolutely clean their own spaces.

In what way do your kids have hard lives? Can you ask him that?

[Anonymous]

You are a whiner. Cry more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You work 60 hours per week and can't afford to pay the maid more?

Something there strikes me as odd.

Don't work so hard. Don't have a maid.

This is good advice. Get rid of the maid, the teens clean their rooms and they can throw a load of laundry in. Yes cut down the hours and when dickhead demeans her she gives it right back. OP needs to grow a spine.

[Anonymous]

OP here, the issue with the maid is that to get her to do a little more work would mean getting her to come twice a week, so essentially double the cost. To get her to fold and put away my clothes (I wash), could be done weekly if I relieve her of one task.

[Anonymous]

Nothing you have said so far shows that your husband is wrong or hurtful, nor that he never takes your side.

1. Most people don't have help, even though they work full-time or more.
2. Teens should definitely learn the basics of life management.
3. Both your husband and yourself have a right to voice your opinions, and when you are want to reach a joint decision, then you have to work to persuade the other.
4. If your feelings were hurt by your spouse at a public occasion, a conversation should have ensued. What did you say?

We can't tell here is your husband is socially clueless (different from "doesn't love me", which I highly doubt), or if you're being too sensitive, or both.

[Anonymous]

OP when he tries to make you look bad come back with a witty comment. For example: "Oh honey that's because you don't do anything", or "You wouldn't make it without my income." "That guy who keep hitting on me at work is looking better and better."

I'm assuming you both are at a age where divorce would be a big wealth killer. If he's that bad I would be putting money away he doesn't know about. Unless you live in a mansion you shouldn't need a maid. What does your husband do for a living? Do he do anything around the house?

[Anonymous]

OP I'd straighten dh out real quick. No more maid, everyone pitches in. If your teens refuse you take away something and they get punished. It's a family, they need to pull together. Tell your husband how you felt when he insulted you. If he thinks it's funny you're over worked and has zero concern let him know you'll go down to 30 or 40 hours. See how that sits with him.
There are so many things you can do to fit this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you have said so far shows that your husband is wrong or hurtful, nor that he never takes your side.

1. Most people don't have help, even though they work full-time or more.
2. Teens should definitely learn the basics of life management.
3. Both your husband and yourself have a right to voice your opinions, and when you are want to reach a joint decision, then you have to work to persuade the other.
4. If your feelings were hurt by your spouse at a public occasion, a conversation should have ensued. What did you say?

We can't tell here is your husband is socially clueless (different from "doesn't love me", which I highly doubt), or if you're being too sensitive, or both.

I am at a near breaking point, and I have told him. Waiting to get time off from work (we are short staffed) to get some vacation.
For now, I expect a statement like this: " I know that you're tired, let's try to get the, kids to help out more, the laundry should not dominate the one day you have off each week". I have never put my kids ahead of him. I cringe at the thought of my son hearing this unchivalrous behaviour.
Once when I needed the computer to get some work done, I asked my daughter to get up several times (the norm). He broke in to suggest that I use my I phone instead and let dd use the computer. I can barely see the tiny screen, and I needed to pull up several documents. My sister could not believe him.
Funny enough, I think he hates the kids too. Who would encourage their kids to fight their mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP when he tries to make you look bad come back with a witty comment. For example: "Oh honey that's because you don't do anything", or "You wouldn't make it without my income." "That guy who keep hitting on me at work is looking better and better."

I'm assuming you both are at a age where divorce would be a big wealth killer. If he's that bad I would be putting money away he doesn't know about. Unless you live in a mansion you shouldn't need a maid. What does your husband do for a living? Do he do anything around the house?

He drives the kids to activities, pays bills, takes out the trash, and that's it. His job is 35-40 hours a week. Federal. I earn double what he does. I would never threaten the adultery thing because I wouldn't do that to MYSELF. I don't want my kids to hear silly nickel and diming talk that drives me nuts in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP when he tries to make you look bad come back with a witty comment. For example: "Oh honey that's because you don't do anything", or "You wouldn't make it without my income." "That guy who keep hitting on me at work is looking better and better."

I'm assuming you both are at a age where divorce would be a big wealth killer. If he's that bad I would be putting money away he doesn't know about. Unless you live in a mansion you shouldn't need a maid. What does your husband do for a living? Do he do anything around the house?

He drives the kids to activities, pays bills, takes out the trash, and that's it. His job is 35-40 hours a week. Federal. I earn double what he does. I would never threaten the adultery thing because I wouldn't do that to MYSELF. I don't want my kids to hear silly nickel and diming talk that drives me nuts in relationships.

That's not threatening adultery. You are basically telling him in around about way others would value you if he doesn't.

He can make some of the dinners and do other things sounds like. You haven't said what negative comments he makes, or at least gives us an idea.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP.

This is probably about his communication and your communication styles. Ask him to first empathize with you instead of starting in on what is wrong with what you said or what could go wrong.

So, he should say, "Oh, honey I understand you feel overwhelmed/frustrated with the laundry/angry right now. I get it. I'm concerned, however, that the kids also have difficult lives blah blah blah blah"

So ask him to validate your feelings, and THEN go onto the issues. It totally helps me. My DH used to just jump in and tell me why whatever I said was wrong "No, we can't add a second story to the house because 1, 2, 3, etc etc millions of reasons" but now he'll say, "Wow! What a great idea! Having a second story on the house would be great. Have you thought about the building code?"

So, he eases me into the letdown by validating my GREAT ideas, that are usually just pipe dreams anyway.