Spouse never on my side

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you have said so far shows that your husband is wrong or hurtful, nor that he never takes your side.

1. Most people don't have help, even though they work full-time or more.
2. Teens should definitely learn the basics of life management.
3. Both your husband and yourself have a right to voice your opinions, and when you are want to reach a joint decision, then you have to work to persuade the other.
4. If your feelings were hurt by your spouse at a public occasion, a conversation should have ensued. What did you say?

We can't tell here is your husband is socially clueless (different from "doesn't love me", which I highly doubt), or if you're being too sensitive, or both.

I am at a near breaking point, and I have told him. Waiting to get time off from work (we are short staffed) to get some vacation.
For now, I expect a statement like this: " I know that you're tired, let's try to get the, kids to help out more, the laundry should not dominate the one day you have off each week". I have never put my kids ahead of him. I cringe at the thought of my son hearing this unchivalrous behaviour.
Once when I needed the computer to get some work done, I asked my daughter to get up several times (the norm). He broke in to suggest that I use my I phone instead and let dd use the computer. I can barely see the tiny screen, and I needed to pull up several documents. My sister could not believe him.
Funny enough, I think he hates the kids too. Who would encourage their kids to fight their mother?

Your response shows that you really don't understand him, and he doesn't understand you. It's not a question of love, OP, get that into your thick head.
You need CBT therapy to resolve this. Like I said before, your husband sounds very typical of someone who is socially clueless (Aspie tendencies, call it what you will). He needs to be told that his words are not empathetic, and he needs to acquire automated responses to cues you give (so first he needs to observe and recognize those cues!). You, on the other hand, need to reduce your emotional reaction and sensitivity, because it's killing you. So, couples' therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And it is killing me.
I know he does not love me, but all I want is to raise my kids and retire. He has publicly undermined me and on two occasions, other people have seen it, making me look bad.
The latest, after a discussion with a sibling about how tired I am, after working 60 + erratic hours a week, long commute, I decided that I need more help.
I can't afford to pay the maid more, so I thought about asking her to shift her focus from my kids' rooms and bathrooms to my laundry. This would mean that my kids who are teens, would have to clean their own spaces. When I told my husband, he looked skeptical and said that the kids have hard lives too, school and sports. This was typical for him, but nauseating for me. My husband does not know any woman who works as hard as I do. I work harder than he does. It's like he is out to get me.

If your teens are not keeping their own spaces clean (which is the bare minimum), you are doing it wrong. They should not only be doing that; they should be responsible for keeping other parts of the house clean and organized as well. It is not only helpful to the family as a whole - it is good for them.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3079017/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP.

This is probably about his communication and your communication styles. Ask him to first empathize with you instead of starting in on what is wrong with what you said or what could go wrong.

So, he should say, "Oh, honey I understand you feel overwhelmed/frustrated with the laundry/angry right now. I get it. I'm concerned, however, that the kids also have difficult lives blah blah blah blah"

So ask him to validate your feelings, and THEN go onto the issues. It totally helps me. My DH used to just jump in and tell me why whatever I said was wrong "No, we can't add a second story to the house because 1, 2, 3, etc etc millions of reasons" but now he'll say, "Wow! What a great idea! Having a second story on the house would be great. Have you thought about the building code?"

So, he eases me into the letdown by validating my GREAT ideas, that are usually just pipe dreams anyway.

Does it seem patronizing sometimes?

[Anonymous]

Wait, are you doing his and the teens' laundry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, are you doing his and the teens' laundry?

He and I stuff the laundry into the washer and dryer. Then there is a pile. We sort and put the unfolded clothes on the kids beds. My pile grows since all I want to do after coming home and cooking dinner is sleep. His clothes are fewer and the same "uniform" for years.
I worked until 1 am on Saturday into Sunday morning, then just stared at my pile of clothes on Sunday. It is a chore that I hate. I just want the maid to fold my clothes and put them away. What the kids do with their clothes after we put them on their beds is a mystery to me. It is more energy efficient to do the whole family's clothes all at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you have said so far shows that your husband is wrong or hurtful, nor that he never takes your side.

1. Most people don't have help, even though they work full-time or more.
2. Teens should definitely learn the basics of life management.
3. Both your husband and yourself have a right to voice your opinions, and when you are want to reach a joint decision, then you have to work to persuade the other.
4. If your feelings were hurt by your spouse at a public occasion, a conversation should have ensued. What did you say?

We can't tell here is your husband is socially clueless (different from "doesn't love me", which I highly doubt), or if you're being too sensitive, or both.

I am at a near breaking point, and I have told him. Waiting to get time off from work (we are short staffed) to get some vacation.
For now, I expect a statement like this: " I know that you're tired, let's try to get the, kids to help out more, the laundry should not dominate the one day you have off each week". I have never put my kids ahead of him. I cringe at the thought of my son hearing this unchivalrous behaviour.
Once when I needed the computer to get some work done, I asked my daughter to get up several times (the norm). He broke in to suggest that I use my I phone instead and let dd use the computer. I can barely see the tiny screen, and I needed to pull up several documents. My sister could not believe him.
Funny enough, I think he hates the kids too. Who would encourage their kids to fight their mother?

Your response shows that you really don't understand him, and he doesn't understand you. It's not a question of love, OP, get that into your thick head.
You need CBT therapy to resolve this. Like I said before, your husband sounds very typical of someone who is socially clueless (Aspie tendencies, call it what you will). He needs to be told that his words are not empathetic, and he needs to acquire automated responses to cues you give (so first he needs to observe and recognize those cues!). You, on the other hand, need to reduce your emotional reaction and sensitivity, because it's killing you. So, couples' therapy.

You're so empathetic. For serious: do you literally get off on slapping at posters here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP.

This is probably about his communication and your communication styles. Ask him to first empathize with you instead of starting in on what is wrong with what you said or what could go wrong.

So, he should say, "Oh, honey I understand you feel overwhelmed/frustrated with the laundry/angry right now. I get it. I'm concerned, however, that the kids also have difficult lives blah blah blah blah"

So ask him to validate your feelings, and THEN go onto the issues. It totally helps me. My DH used to just jump in and tell me why whatever I said was wrong "No, we can't add a second story to the house because 1, 2, 3, etc etc millions of reasons" but now he'll say, "Wow! What a great idea! Having a second story on the house would be great. Have you thought about the building code?"

So, he eases me into the letdown by validating my GREAT ideas, that are usually just pipe dreams anyway.

Does it seem patronizing sometimes?

My example is a little patronizing, yep, I agree. But honestly, I like it better than the automatic "NO, No that's stupid and I'll tell you why" that would come out of his mouth all the time. Any sort of validation of my idea is better than nothing.

[Anonymous]

Take your laundry to wash and fold.

Or do your plan, but stop doing anyone else's laundry in any way.

I think the person paying the maid should get the most benefit from her services, so the kids lose out on the priority list. I would also say that since this doesn't affect your husband at all (he isn't going to end up with less service or more chores), just ignore him and redirect her.

[Anonymous]

Um, they are BOTH paying for the maid, since they are married. Married money. Kids though, they are out. Clean your own rooms, kids! Maybe kids should do ALLLLLL of the laundry. New chores, kids!

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that when your husband publicly undermines you, it does not make YOU look bad. It makes HIM look bad. Everyone looks at HIM and thinks "Oh my god, what a douche to not stick up for and support his wife!"

[Anonymous]

You know he doesn't love you and undermines you in public, but you don't have the self-respect to leave? Just making sure I have the right.

[Anonymous]

Buy everyone their own laundry basket. Have them keep it in their rooms. Then they wash their own clothes.

When the maid comes, start your laundry that morning. Ask her to finish it and put it away. It should not take that long.

[Anonymous]

What is it about women and laundry (and cooking)? I am a single dad, with a full-time professional job and a long commute. I do the laundry, I do the cooking. It's not that hard! I did a load of laundry this morning before work--including folding everything and returning it to the kids. Big deal!

During the work week I do a load every other day, on the weekend I might do 2-3 loads. Seems to take about 10 minutes per load in total labor, most of it folding. You really pay someone to do that for you?

I have an old-fashioned tub-style washer/dryer set but the new high-efficiency models are better because they are faster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it about women and laundry (and cooking)? I am a single dad, with a full-time professional job and a long commute. I do the laundry, I do the cooking. It's not that hard! I did a load of laundry this morning before work--including folding everything and returning it to the kids. Big deal!

During the work week I do a load every other day, on the weekend I might do 2-3 loads. Seems to take about 10 minutes per load in total labor, most of it folding. You really pay someone to do that for you?

I have an old-fashioned tub-style washer/dryer set but the new high-efficiency models are better because they are faster.

What does this have to do with the OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered that you may be crazy? LOL