Spouse never on my side

[Anonymous]

OP, for starters, your kids are just as able to do their own laundry and clean their own rooms as you or your maid are. You should not be paying someone to clean up after them. It's not good for their life management skills, for one thing, and it also is clearly not working for you. Is there some reason why "laundry" cannot be the weekly responsibility of someone other than you?

[Anonymous]

Have kids do their own clothes and stop worrying about energy efficiency. See if your husband will take on laundry for both of you. Doing a load a day instead of letting it pile up helps a huge amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, for starters, your kids are just as able to do their own laundry and clean their own rooms as you or your maid are. You should not be paying someone to clean up after them. It's not good for their life management skills, for one thing, and it also is clearly not working for you. Is there some reason why "laundry" cannot be the weekly responsibility of someone other than you?

I'm not getting any of this. They can do their own laundry, clean their rooms. She can invest in a crock pot and bingo dinner ready. To me it sounds like OP can't stand up for herself and is making herself miserable.

OP organize it so when you come home you don't have to do anything. See if you can cut your hours back when the company crisis is over. Your husband will have to do more looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing you have said so far shows that your husband is wrong or hurtful, nor that he never takes your side.

1. Most people don't have help, even though they work full-time or more.
2. Teens should definitely learn the basics of life management.
3. Both your husband and yourself have a right to voice your opinions, and when you are want to reach a joint decision, then you have to work to persuade the other.
4. If your feelings were hurt by your spouse at a public occasion, a conversation should have ensued. What did you say?

We can't tell here is your husband is socially clueless (different from "doesn't love me", which I highly doubt), or if you're being too sensitive, or both.

I am at a near breaking point, and I have told him. Waiting to get time off from work (we are short staffed) to get some vacation.
For now, I expect a statement like this: " I know that you're tired, let's try to get the, kids to help out more, the laundry should not dominate the one day you have off each week". I have never put my kids ahead of him. I cringe at the thought of my son hearing this unchivalrous behaviour.
Once when I needed the computer to get some work done, I asked my daughter to get up several times (the norm). He broke in to suggest that I use my I phone instead and let dd use the computer. I can barely see the tiny screen, and I needed to pull up several documents. My sister could not believe him.
Funny enough, I think he hates the kids too. Who would encourage their kids to fight their mother?

Your response shows that you really don't understand him, and he doesn't understand you. It's not a question of love, OP, get that into your thick head.
You need CBT therapy to resolve this. Like I said before, your husband sounds very typical of someone who is socially clueless (Aspie tendencies, call it what you will). He needs to be told that his words are not empathetic, and he needs to acquire automated responses to cues you give (so first he needs to observe and recognize those cues!). You, on the other hand, need to reduce your emotional reaction and sensitivity, because it's killing you. So, couples' therapy.

You're so empathetic. For serious: do you literally get off on slapping at posters here?

No. I've been in OP's shoes, with the same kind of husband, I've done couples' therapy and found it to work. So I give the benefit of my experience to help her.
At the same time, I'm sensing a lot of unwillingness on OP's part to really understand and address the situation, so that's why I'm not using soft language. Even when you're obviously the victim, it doesn't help to just accuse the other of X, Y, Z, and then do nothing about it. I've learned the hard lesson that sometimes I can be unfairly put upon, and then have the additional burden of seeking a solution myself because nobody else is going to do it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind that when your husband publicly undermines you, it does not make YOU look bad. It makes HIM look bad. Everyone looks at HIM and thinks "Oh my god, what a douche to not stick up for and support his wife!"

+1

Agree. Also agree on the wash and fold idea. You don't need to appease everyone, OP. You are working very hard - too hard. Can you cut your hours? If not, I would outsource everything. That maid sounds like she is more work than she is worth. The husband definitely is, but conquer one thing at a time. Simplify your meals. Get groceries delivered.

Your husband's attitude may have to do with how he was raised. I have seen families where the mother was not respected (the father didn't respect himself), so it carries ramifications for the family dynamics. I am sorry you are going through this. You make the money, you put your foot down, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, they are BOTH paying for the maid, since they are married. Married money. Kids though, they are out. Clean your own rooms, kids! Maybe kids should do ALLLLLL of the laundry. New chores, kids!

That was my point. She wasn't suggesting a reorg that put more on her husband's plate, so why should he care what she asks the maid to do?

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you tend to be a pushover with DH and kids. They need to start doing their laundry and cleaning their rooms. They can also pitch in other areas: take turns cleaning their bathroom, unload the dishwasher etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, they are BOTH paying for the maid, since they are married. Married money. Kids though, they are out. Clean your own rooms, kids! Maybe kids should do ALLLLLL of the laundry. New chores, kids!

That was my point. She wasn't suggesting a reorg that put more on her husband's plate, so why should he care what she asks the maid to do?

OP here. Good point. He just wants to contradict me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.

OP that is wise. I've also seen that happen to many and it doesn't end well. My one friend is now going through her 2nd divorce after divorcing the 1st husband 7 years ago. I'm assuming you've talk to him about contradicting you constantly.
I get up 2 hours early (morning person) and do a load every other day. Try that, maybe have your husband fold and put away after you leave? Maybe a few nights a week you can meet a friend for dinner just to unwind and let husband and kids fend for themselves. If he refuses to change I'd probably minimize social events with him. Go with your friends etc.

Don't stop talking to him, but slowly minimize interactions where there will be disagreements. I think you need to use better psychology. The minute he starts to contradict you walk away. That way he can only contradict the wall. Again do things you like without him, a friend or family member or your kids. Don't empower his behavior or feed into it. Next time you want to use the computer YOU do so and ignore his stupid comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP when he tries to make you look bad come back with a witty comment. For example: "Oh honey that's because you don't do anything", or "You wouldn't make it without my income." "That guy who keep hitting on me at work is looking better and better."

I'm assuming you both are at a age where divorce would be a big wealth killer. If he's that bad I would be putting money away he doesn't know about. Unless you live in a mansion you shouldn't need a maid. What does your husband do for a living? Do he do anything around the house?

He drives the kids to activities, pays bills, takes out the trash, and that's it. His job is 35-40 hours a week. Federal. I earn double what he does. I would never threaten the adultery thing because I wouldn't do that to MYSELF. I don't want my kids to hear silly nickel and diming talk that drives me nuts in relationships.

does he think you should cut back on the hours, the salary, and live a little? Does he think that he is married to somebody who will always put herself in a place where she is overwhelmed, rather than cut back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.

OP that is wise. I've also seen that happen to many and it doesn't end well. My one friend is now going through her 2nd divorce after divorcing the 1st husband 7 years ago. I'm assuming you've talk to him about contradicting you constantly.
I get up 2 hours early (morning person) and do a load every other day. Try that, maybe have your husband fold and put away after you leave? Maybe a few nights a week you can meet a friend for dinner just to unwind and let husband and kids fend for themselves. If he refuses to change I'd probably minimize social events with him. Go with your friends etc.

Don't stop talking to him, but slowly minimize interactions where there will be disagreements. I think you need to use better psychology. The minute he starts to contradict you walk away. That way he can only contradict the wall. Again do things you like without him, a friend or family member or your kids. Don't empower his behavior or feed into it. Next time you want to use the computer YOU do so and ignore his stupid comments.

Thanks. I like this advice. I've never actually walked away before, but I might simply do that next time. A behavioral change is likely to concern him. Thinking of joining a hiking group without the kids or him. Something I would love to do more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: OP when he tries to make you look bad come back with a witty comment. For example: "Oh honey that's because you don't do anything", or "You wouldn't make it without my income." "That guy who keep hitting on me at work is looking better and better."

I'm assuming you both are at a age where divorce would be a big wealth killer. If he's that bad I would be putting money away he doesn't know about. Unless you live in a mansion you shouldn't need a maid. What does your husband do for a living? Do he do anything around the house?

He drives the kids to activities, pays bills, takes out the trash, and that's it. His job is 35-40 hours a week. Federal. I earn double what he does. I would never threaten the adultery thing because I wouldn't do that to MYSELF. I don't want my kids to hear silly nickel and diming talk that drives me nuts in relationships.

does he think you should cut back on the hours, the salary, and live a little? Does he think that he is married to somebody who will always put herself in a place where she is overwhelmed, rather than cut back?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.

OP that is wise. I've also seen that happen to many and it doesn't end well. My one friend is now going through her 2nd divorce after divorcing the 1st husband 7 years ago. I'm assuming you've talk to him about contradicting you constantly.
I get up 2 hours early (morning person) and do a load every other day. Try that, maybe have your husband fold and put away after you leave? Maybe a few nights a week you can meet a friend for dinner just to unwind and let husband and kids fend for themselves. If he refuses to change I'd probably minimize social events with him. Go with your friends etc.

Don't stop talking to him, but slowly minimize interactions where there will be disagreements. I think you need to use better psychology. The minute he starts to contradict you walk away. That way he can only contradict the wall. Again do things you like without him, a friend or family member or your kids. Don't empower his behavior or feed into it. Next time you want to use the computer YOU do so and ignore his stupid comments.

Thanks. I like this advice. I've never actually walked away before, but I might simply do that next time. A behavioral change is likely to concern him. Thinking of joining a hiking group without the kids or him. Something I would love to do more.

That's a great idea, many things you can do. Yes I learned years ago most things aren't worth arguing about. You can pretend to be busy and walk into another room. That does work. He wants to nit pick, get a glass of wine and watch your favorite show away from him. Take a long bath even. My friend and I go to Vegas once a year for a "girls" get away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wrt the laundry, I need to do my own. Husband would put wool in the dryer and so on. It would take forever to train him.
That said, the point is more about his constant need to contradict me. I'm thinking of shutting him out completely. If he can't support me then why even bother to speak to him other than to tell him the mail came. Kids are done a disservice to see their father acting like that.
We are not looking at divorce even though there is no love. It might be hard for people to understand but at our age, I have seen my share of fire to frying pan maneuvers. Plus the financial free fall.

OP that is wise. I've also seen that happen to many and it doesn't end well. My one friend is now going through her 2nd divorce after divorcing the 1st husband 7 years ago. I'm assuming you've talk to him about contradicting you constantly.
I get up 2 hours early (morning person) and do a load every other day. Try that, maybe have your husband fold and put away after you leave? Maybe a few nights a week you can meet a friend for dinner just to unwind and let husband and kids fend for themselves. If he refuses to change I'd probably minimize social events with him. Go with your friends etc.

Don't stop talking to him, but slowly minimize interactions where there will be disagreements. I think you need to use better psychology. The minute he starts to contradict you walk away. That way he can only contradict the wall. Again do things you like without him, a friend or family member or your kids. Don't empower his behavior or feed into it. Next time you want to use the computer YOU do so and ignore his stupid comments.

Thanks. I like this advice. I've never actually walked away before, but I might simply do that next time. A behavioral change is likely to concern him. Thinking of joining a hiking group without the kids or him. Something I would love to do more.

That's a great idea, many things you can do. Yes I learned years ago most things aren't worth arguing about. You can pretend to be busy and walk into another room. That does work. He wants to nit pick, get a glass of wine and watch your favorite show away from him. Take a long bath even. My friend and I go to Vegas once a year for a "girls" get away.

Best advice here. Make your own space for happiness and sanity. Ignore the grimy nit-pickers.