I need to shut up

[Anonymous]

My husband works 80 hours a week. Travels 2 times a month. In his "down time" meaning when he is home, he could spend all is time watching tv, iPad or periodically going to the gym. I don't care that he doesn't want to spend time with me. I just hate that my 2 kids see this. He's not a mean Dad, but an extremely vacant and distracted one. All parenting and related decisions are on me. All grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, bills are on me. I work and have flexible hours which I am grateful for. I am just so sad. So incredibly sad. I know I sound very self indulgent but I can't stop crying today. And I need to pull myself together and make it as good as I can for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Did he tell you that you need to shut up?

Your feelings are justified.

[Anonymous]

I'd reevaluate that arrangement. 80 hours a week with travel wouldn't cut it for me, so DH and I both work about 40 hours a week with very flexible jobs.

I know diff'rent strokes for different folks and all that, but that doesn't sound like a particularly gratifying relationship.

[Anonymous]

No I think he just wishes I would shut up. And I think I just need to shut up and not ask him to do anything. It doesn't change anything. I just wish for interaction with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar position. What helped is changing my mindset so that I didn't expect him to parent. So the kids and I travel, go out to dinner, and do fun stuff, just the three of us. When my husband bitches about it, I remind him of his choices.

[Anonymous]

Did he decide on this schedule and job on his own or is it something you decided was right for the family you two decided to have together. It sounds like you need to insist on a reevaluation because it is not working for you. You have the right to say it is not working for you and he has the right to say too bad. What he cannot do is dictate what you decide to do if he can only think of himself and his needs. I speak from experience. I agreed to a job choice my DH took that became unsustainable. Luckily for us - my husband valued me, our kids, our family so that even though he loved his job and was skyrocketing in his career he made the change. Did not happen overnight and it was a long, lonely, difficult transition but I truly would have left marriage if he did not see that our partnership demanded it. (Leaving would have had its own traumas but I was losing myself in a joyless life being almost reduced to a nanny/housekeeper/single working mom

[Anonymous]

80 hours a week and then checking out on my spouse and family? Hell to the no.

You don't need to "make it as good as you can for the kids." You need to sit down with your spouse and come up with a different plan. This one isn't working. Sitting back and accepting it is not an option.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I came to a similar crossroads. What I wound up saying to him is "you are creating a situation where if we were to divorce, nothing in my life would change. It would be exactly as it is now, except I wouldn't have to concern myself with your whereabouts." That sort of shook him up, knowing that all he was was a paycheck. And who wants to be just that?

[Anonymous]

Was it a mutual decision for all parenting responsibilities to land on your shoulders? What were the conversations before you had kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I came to a similar crossroads. What I wound up saying to him is "you are creating a situation where if we were to divorce, nothing in my life would change. It would be exactly as it is now, except I wouldn't have to concern myself with your whereabouts." That sort of shook him up, knowing that all he was was a paycheck. And who wants to be just that?

This. OP, you need to sit your husband down and have this conversation. If he can't be present, then find someone for you and your kids that can be present. There's no way I'd put up with an absent spouse like that. No amount of money is worth it. Our combined HHI is under $200K here in DC, and that's fine. We both spend time together and with our kids.

[Anonymous]

I've talked and pleaded for a change. When the job came up 10 years ago I said it wasn't a good choice for the family. He took it anyway. It's never been a good choice for the family but his dream job. He won't change jobs. We aren't the priority- we never were.

[Anonymous]

God, he's pissing away his life on work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, he's pissing away his life on work.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

I would just leave. Honestly, what's the point? Start giving him "Happy Sperm Donor" cards instead of Father's Day. Maybe he'll get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works 80 hours a week. Travels 2 times a month. In his "down time" meaning when he is home, he could spend all is time watching tv, iPad or periodically going to the gym. I don't care that he doesn't want to spend time with me. I just hate that my 2 kids see this. He's not a mean Dad, but an extremely vacant and distracted one. All parenting and related decisions are on me. All grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, bills are on me. I work and have flexible hours which I am grateful for. I am just so sad. So incredibly sad. I know I sound very self indulgent but I can't stop crying today. And I need to pull myself together and make it as good as I can for the kids.

This is a giant red flag. You need to have a serious conversation with him and if nothing changes, consider divorce. That is not a way to live your life. I grew up with parents who did not get along at all and were supremely unhappy but stayed together for the kids, and we all knew they didn't get along and it was awful. Your kids will pick up on this if they haven't already.