I need to shut up

[Anonymous]

Then "shut up"! Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've talked and pleaded for a change. When the job came up 10 years ago I said it wasn't a good choice for the family. He took it anyway. It's never been a good choice for the family but his dream job. He won't change jobs. We aren't the priority- we never were.

Then leave. This isn't a dress rehearsal. And please don't say, "But the kids..." They deserve better than this.

[Anonymous]

Did he work these hours before you had kids?

Are you willing to make a lifestyle change--I.e., less money, smaller house, etc. to enable him to take a job that would let him be a more hands-on father?

[Anonymous]

From another perspective:

I am a DW with a spouse who worked very hard for many years, but as time went on, he got more and more flexibility at work. The way it is right now is not necessarily how it will be forever (or it might be).

There is so much anger in this thread. You are no longer connected to your spouse OP. And you won't get connected by throwing anger his way. That doesn't mean you don't put boundaries in place, but it does mean looking at the situation from his perspective.

He is tired. His job is high stress (i;m guessing). Kids are also high stress and so are wives, esp those who are unhappy. The best gift you could give to him would be to be direct with him and if possible ratchet down the emotion. If not, ok. Start with empathy - then move on to sex and I miss you and how much fun we used to have. Then have a little fun. Stop there.

Do it again. Do it again. Do it again.

I know you are angry, but over time he will likely loosen up and be soooooo happy you are his wife that he might even magically call you in the middle of a day and do something for you.

Genuinely give him time to settle back in to the relationship before you start suggesting things to do as a family. A Vacation in there would be good too - with no work. That will be time to reconnect with the kids without the stress of daily life.

Then tell him the truth. I missed. I want the kids to know you because you are so awesome. How can we make that happen that works for you? Give him time.

Think of this as a 6 mo project. Wont work at all if you feel angry toward him though - let that go. If he's still a jerk after 6 months, then you can start hating him.

But divorce just isn't ideal for anyone.

I know you can do it and so can he. It is asking A LOT of you too - I know. Unfortunately that is just how it works out sometimes. WE have to give 110% until our spouse can catch up and even it up again.

Much love to your family.

[Anonymous]

So why did your DH want to get married? Why did he want to have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've talked and pleaded for a change. When the job came up 10 years ago I said it wasn't a good choice for the family. He took it anyway. It's never been a good choice for the family but his dream job. He won't change jobs. We aren't the priority- we never were.

So you had kids before he took the job? How was he with them when he was working normal hours? Even if he changes jobs now, he might never want to do kid/family stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So why did your DH want to get married? Why did he want to have kids?

Accessories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why did your DH want to get married? Why did he want to have kids?

Accessories.

More like it's just what was done. Like getting a dining room table. Just something you are supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Affair. Definitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why did your DH want to get married? Why did he want to have kids?

Accessories.

More like it's just what was done. Like getting a dining room table. Just something you are supposed to do.

I tend to think many, many men feel like this and it's the women really pushing for kids. Then the women wonder why the men aren't interested in family life much. Kids are an accessory for men; men are a sperm donor for women; and everyone forgets that it's all supposed to be centered on true love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, he's pissing away his life on work.

Exactly.

Yes. This situation is unacceptable. Maybe you can get him into joint counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar position. What helped is changing my mindset so that I didn't expect him to parent. So the kids and I travel, go out to dinner, and do fun stuff, just the three of us. When my husband bitches about it, I remind him of his choices.

Yes. Exactly. Choices

[Anonymous]

He chose to be a parent so this is not acceptable behavior at all.
He also chose to be a husband as well.

You say you really don't care, but you DO care.
It just hurts too much to admit it.
I completely understand.

He needs to work less and be present more.

This is no way for you to live.

[Anonymous]

Well at least you aren't the guy whose wife quit work and left the kids and him scrambling to find health insurance. Sure maybe its not ideal that your spouse works so much and is too exhausted to be interactive. At least you have a starting point for negotiations. Wait until the kida are in bed and have a nonjudgemental conversation about cutting back so he can spend time with the kids before they are grown and gone. It happens before you realize.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I work all day for the light at the end of the tunnel of going home to DH and kids. For OP, it sounds like the opposite. He's killing time until he gets back to work.

So OP can accept situation for what it is, and, as PP mentioned, just live life without DH but with benefit of his paycheck. Or divorce and not have that buffer between DH and kids. I don't know what's worse for them - disinterested dad at home or dad who never shows up for visitation. I'm guessing disinterested dad.