I don't want my mom at my wedding

[Anonymous]

Plain and simple- she's an awful person. I grew up with her being both emotionally and physically abusive towards me from the time I was 14 until I moved out of their house at 20. The physical abusiveness stopped then but she continued to be emotionally abusive any chance she got. She made it very clear that I wasn't the "perfect daughter" that she wanted and constantly told me all the things that was wrong with me. My weight, how I didn't finish college, my jobs, etc. I can't even remember the last time she's told me that she loves me. It's been years. We don't hug or touch. She has tried in a fake way many times but I cringe at the thought of her hugging me because it's just so fake and her physical touch makes me feel sick. We had a huge falling out this past Summer and I didn't talk to her for months. I ended up sucking it up and pretending things were fine around Christmas just so that I could see my siblings and father but now that Christmas is over, I have probably only talked to her three times.

I'm in the middle of planning my wedding and she hasn't offered to help at all. She never even congratulated us on our engagement. Neither of these things surprised me at all. We are about 6 months out from getting married and I just don't want her there. We had one phone call about my wedding and it turned into her telling me that I should just elope and why do I want this "big fancy wedding with bridesmaids?". Our wedding is far from big and fancy. It's at a cute little venue and we are inviting 50 people. We both have two friends in our wedding party and that's it. She's just such a negative person in my life and I know she will be sitting at our wedding judging everything. I don't want her there but I don't know how to have that happen. My dad offered up $10K for the wedding which is pretty much covering the whole thing- again, its very small and simple which is what we wanted. Because he offered that up and its technically THEIR money, I feel like I can't not have her there but the thought of her being there is depressing me as I know she's going to put a damper on the whole day.

I spent almost a year in therapy with a therapist who told me that for my own health and wellbeing, I should cut her out completely. Thats how bad my childhood was because of her. I don't knwo what the point of this post is. Maybe someone has been in my shoes? Or someone can tell me that it's okay to not have her there. I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Pay for it yourself and don't invite her. Even if you need to do something smaller or more casual, it will be worth it because you will actually enjoy yourself. Why invite negativity into your life?

[Anonymous]

OP,

Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.

OP Here- I'm confused by your comments. Out of everyone I know that has gotten married, it's been the brides parents that have paid for it. My best friend is in the process of planning her June wedding right now and her family is covering the whole thing besides the rehersal which her fiances family is paying for. Is that not common?

Also, I wasn't expecting her to make a huge deal about our engagment but she never said a word about it. My dad was the first person I told and he was THRILLED and said how happy he was for us...same as all of the rest of my family. She just never said a thing about it or acknowledged it. But again, I never expected anything from her because this is the type of person she is towards me.

[Anonymous]

OP: Wow....you have so much pain. I am so sorry. I also have an aweful mother. I think the questions you need to ask yourself....are you able to emotionally keep your Mom out of your wedding? Is she taking up space in your head when she's not around? For me, that was the biggest struggle. Will you regret not having her there? Will she be nasty, judgmental and cold?
It's YOUR day. Only you can decide. Take your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay for it yourself and don't invite her. Even if you need to do something smaller or more casual, it will be worth it because you will actually enjoy yourself. Why invite negativity into your life?

OP here- We thought about this and got to the point of wanting to do this but my dad shot it down and said that he insisted they give us the money towards it. I have told him how I don't want her there and he said I can do what I want but that I should be the bigger person and just suck it up for a day.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. This is hard and sounds like it hurts. I don't think you sounds like you want her to pay, but it would be a nice gesture if she offered something, right?

This is your day, you do not have to have her there. Do not feel obligated to invite her, do not feel guilty if you decide that you do not want her there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Wow....you have so much pain. I am so sorry. I also have an aweful mother. I think the questions you need to ask yourself....are you able to emotionally keep your Mom out of your wedding? Is she taking up space in your head when she's not around? For me, that was the biggest struggle. Will you regret not having her there? Will she be nasty, judgmental and cold?
It's YOUR day. Only you can decide. Take your time.

OP here- Thank you. I think that I will regret HAVING her there....not not having her there. I know she will be judgemental because that is who she is. She will judge how I look, my dress, our decorations, etc. She could PROBABLY keep it all in and not say anything on that day but you never know with her. The number one thing stressing me out about our wedding right now is having her there and her putting a damper on our day. I can't even think about the fact that I'd be expected to take "happy family" pictures with her and pretend I'm so happy to have her there and that she's so happy for me when we both know she doesn't care at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.

OP Here- I'm confused by your comments. Out of everyone I know that has gotten married, it's been the brides parents that have paid for it. My best friend is in the process of planning her June wedding right now and her family is covering the whole thing besides the rehersal which her fiances family is paying for. Is that not common?

Also, I wasn't expecting her to make a huge deal about our engagment but she never said a word about it. My dad was the first person I told and he was THRILLED and said how happy he was for us...same as all of the rest of my family. She just never said a thing about it or acknowledged it. But again, I never expected anything from her because this is the type of person she is towards me.

OP, are you from a different culture? Because while sometimes parents will help pay for a wedding, it is not their responsibility. And if you DO accept their money, you cannot not have your mom there. That's not how it works. Either be an adult, and pay for your own wedding, and determine who will be there because you want them there, or continue being a child and having your parents do everything. But you don't get to exclude them when they are paying for it. You sound ridiculous, entitled, and spoiled as hell. I had a physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive mother, and I know that because I don't want her at my wedding, I will pay for it myself. Even if it means not having the fairy tale wedding everyone dreams of, it'll be something that works for my budget, and I'll determine the guest list as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. This is hard and sounds like it hurts. I don't think you sounds like you want her to pay, but it would be a nice gesture if she offered something, right?

This is your day, you do not have to have her there. Do not feel obligated to invite her, do not feel guilty if you decide that you do not want her there.

OP's parents sound like they are still married, and her dad is paying for the wedding. She can't not invite her mother if it is THEIR money paying for the wedding, as OP has indicated that it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.

OP Here- I'm confused by your comments. Out of everyone I know that has gotten married, it's been the brides parents that have paid for it. My best friend is in the process of planning her June wedding right now and her family is covering the whole thing besides the rehersal which her fiances family is paying for. Is that not common?

Also, I wasn't expecting her to make a huge deal about our engagment but she never said a word about it. My dad was the first person I told and he was THRILLED and said how happy he was for us...same as all of the rest of my family. She just never said a thing about it or acknowledged it. But again, I never expected anything from her because this is the type of person she is towards me.

OP, are you from a different culture? Because while sometimes parents will help pay for a wedding, it is not their responsibility. And if you DO accept their money, you cannot not have your mom there. That's not how it works. Either be an adult, and pay for your own wedding, and determine who will be there because you want them there, or continue being a child and having your parents do everything. But you don't get to exclude them when they are paying for it. You sound ridiculous, entitled, and spoiled as hell. I had a physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive mother, and I know that because I don't want her at my wedding, I will pay for it myself. Even if it means not having the fairy tale wedding everyone dreams of, it'll be something that works for my budget, and I'll determine the guest list as a result.

OP here- No, I'm not from a different culture and I can promise you I am not spoiled or entitled. I never once said that I expected them to pay or that I thought it was their responsiblity...all I said was that every single one of my friends who have gotten married, the brides parents paid for the whole wedding. My fiance and I did not ask my parents to pay for anything. We had every intention of paying for our wedding ourselves but my dad reached out to us shortly after we got engaged and told me that he would like to contribute $10k to the wedding. We expected to pay a lot extra but since we are having such a small/casual wedding, it's coming to around $10k all in. As I mentioned above, we told my dad that we'd rather pay for it and not have her there and he insisted that we must let him contribute what he wants.

[Anonymous]

OP I give you permission to not invite her.

And yes, bride's family does normally pay some or all. And yes, parents do normally give best wishes to brides (not saying "congratulations" to a bride is bad luck to some people).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Wow....you have so much pain. I am so sorry. I also have an aweful mother. I think the questions you need to ask yourself....are you able to emotionally keep your Mom out of your wedding? Is she taking up space in your head when she's not around? For me, that was the biggest struggle. Will you regret not having her there? Will she be nasty, judgmental and cold?
It's YOUR day. Only you can decide. Take your time.

OP here- Thank you. I think that I will regret HAVING her there....not not having her there. I know she will be judgemental because that is who she is. She will judge how I look, my dress, our decorations, etc. She could PROBABLY keep it all in and not say anything on that day but you never know with her. The number one thing stressing me out about our wedding right now is having her there and her putting a damper on our day. I can't even think about the fact that I'd be expected to take "happy family" pictures with her and pretend I'm so happy to have her there and that she's so happy for me when we both know she doesn't care at all.

15:05 here: I would bet there is so much more to your relationship than there is time in a day. You need to give up ever getting approval from her. It's VERY hard. After I had kids, my mother ignored me and them. Her other grandchildren were front and center.
Now my mom is old and lonley. She made investments in some of her children and blew off others. The ones she invested in her blew her off when she got older. My mother made her bed and now she lies in it.
I would not invite her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Include her or not, but just so you know, traditionally, the mother of the bride doesn't pay for weddings and people aren't supposed to say "Congratulations" to the bride. Don't ask me where the second thing came from, it's just been around a long time. I wouldn't fault her on those things.

OP Here- I'm confused by your comments. Out of everyone I know that has gotten married, it's been the brides parents that have paid for it. My best friend is in the process of planning her June wedding right now and her family is covering the whole thing besides the rehersal which her fiances family is paying for. Is that not common?

Also, I wasn't expecting her to make a huge deal about our engagment but she never said a word about it. My dad was the first person I told and he was THRILLED and said how happy he was for us...same as all of the rest of my family. She just never said a thing about it or acknowledged it. But again, I never expected anything from her because this is the type of person she is towards me.

OP, are you from a different culture? Because while sometimes parents will help pay for a wedding, it is not their responsibility. And if you DO accept their money, you cannot not have your mom there. That's not how it works. Either be an adult, and pay for your own wedding, and determine who will be there because you want them there, or continue being a child and having your parents do everything. But you don't get to exclude them when they are paying for it. You sound ridiculous, entitled, and spoiled as hell. I had a physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive mother, and I know that because I don't want her at my wedding, I will pay for it myself. Even if it means not having the fairy tale wedding everyone dreams of, it'll be something that works for my budget, and I'll determine the guest list as a result.

OP here- No, I'm not from a different culture and I can promise you I am not spoiled or entitled. I never once said that I expected them to pay or that I thought it was their responsiblity...all I said was that every single one of my friends who have gotten married, the brides parents paid for the whole wedding. My fiance and I did not ask my parents to pay for anything. We had every intention of paying for our wedding ourselves but my dad reached out to us shortly after we got engaged and told me that he would like to contribute $10k to the wedding. We expected to pay a lot extra but since we are having such a small/casual wedding, it's coming to around $10k all in. As I mentioned above, we told my dad that we'd rather pay for it and not have her there and he insisted that we must let him contribute what he wants.

He can't force you to take his money. If you really want to cut the strings, you'll have to decline the gift. I'm sorry, I know it sucks, and you shouldn't be in this situation, but here you are. Best way forward, as I see it, is to tell your dad "thanks, but we can't accept your money," and pay for the wedding yourself. That way, you can truly decide, freely, whether you want your mom there.

[Anonymous]

OP- wait, your parents are married? You mom was abusive to her and your dad stayed married to her? Why are you okay having a relationship with your dad when he didn't stick up for you?