I'm at my wits end

[Anonymous]

DD is in 9th grade. With this new found freedom of high school, my worst fears are materializing in front of me, and I don't know how to stop it. She is skipping classes, failing classes, generally have a "don't give a hoot" attitude, hanging out with the wrong crowd.

It makes me sick to my stomach, that she is choosing this route. She is a talented opera singer, well traveled, bilingual (speaks one of the hardest language in the world) and is beautiful on the outside and the inside.

Taking phone and grounding her does not work. She still finds a device and sneaks out at night to meet friends.

How do I put a stop to it? I am so upset about whole mess, please help.

[Anonymous]

How many devices do you have that she "still finds a device?" Sounds like she needs more supervision. Does she go to public school? How does she skip classes?

[Anonymous]

Is there any way for her to change schools or you re-route her peer groups? Skipping class happens with friends, etc. this is peer influence

[Anonymous]

What does she "give a hoot" about? Take that away and give her a chance to earn it back.

For me, it was playing sports. I loved playing. But I knew if I didn't keep my grades up, no way my mom would let me keep playing. Once I was given a car to use, I knew that once I messed up, the car would be GONE. Etc etc etc.

Lock up everything that connects to the internet. Get her a flip phone with no texting. Change the wi-fi password daily.

[Anonymous]

Why are you asking strangers on the internet? Start with a conference with a counselor. Ask at her school. She is not the first kid to do this you know

[Anonymous]

I've always said that if it got bad (drugs, gangs, etc) I would pick up my family and move to a new city, new school district, you name it.

I actually think you need parenting classes or need to read a book on parenting rebellious teenagers. Sounds like your rules and punishments aren't firm enough.

[Anonymous]

How would you characterize your relationship before this started? What was normal for you and for her? I'm just wondering what it is she is reacting to.

[Anonymous]

Not uncommon with "beautiful" girls, who find more excitement from the attention of boys than they do from the drudgery of schoolwork.

1) See a counselor;
2) Remove the electronics;
3) Alarms on the doors and windows.

We are going through a rough time with my 14yo DS (sending nasty pictures to strangers via Kik, early onset marijuana, dishonesty) so you certainly have my sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking strangers on the internet? Start with a conference with a counselor. Ask at her school. She is not the first kid to do this you know

The counselor has given up on her.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing: kids in their teens need boundaries (rules, structures, expectations) AND attunement to their needs. Just implementing new rules is not going to cut it. At best, you'll reap resentment and anger from your daughter. You need to start by figuring out what your daughter is trying to communicate through her behavior. Sit down with her and talk about what you've noticed. Have some NONJUDGMENTAL conversations about what she believes and values. Practice validation of her feelings. When you start from that baseline of listening and trust, you have a better chance. And bonus: you'll diminish your own feelings of fear and resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does she "give a hoot" about? Take that away and give her a chance to earn it back.

For me, it was playing sports. I loved playing. But I knew if I didn't keep my grades up, no way my mom would let me keep playing. Once I was given a car to use, I knew that once I messed up, the car would be GONE. Etc etc etc.

Lock up everything that connects to the internet. Get her a flip phone with no texting. Change the wi-fi password daily.

She does not care about anything. Flip phone is a good idea. I will try that route with all other electronics locked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing: kids in their teens need boundaries (rules, structures, expectations) AND attunement to their needs. Just implementing new rules is not going to cut it. At best, you'll reap resentment and anger from your daughter. You need to start by figuring out what your daughter is trying to communicate through her behavior. Sit down with her and talk about what you've noticed. Have some NONJUDGMENTAL conversations about what she believes and values. Practice validation of her feelings. When you start from that baseline of listening and trust, you have a better chance. And bonus: you'll diminish your own feelings of fear and resentment.

Very helpful, thank you! I will try to talk to her, although the standard answer is " I don't know"

[Anonymous]

where is her dad in all this?

[Anonymous]

Whole house alarm and cameras.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've always said that if it got bad (drugs, gangs, etc) I would pick up my family and move to a new city, new school district, you name it.

I actually think you need parenting classes or need to read a book on parenting rebellious teenagers. Sounds like your rules and punishments aren't firm enough.

You can't run away from yourself or your problems.