Should I call it off?

[Anonymous]

My fiance and I are supposed to get married in May. Originally we were going to get married next month, but we rescheduled the date because my fiance wanted to do it when it's warmer so the reception can be outdoors. Well now he's asking if we can put the wedding off until sometime next year. I asked him why and he told me because his family doesn't want him to marry me and some have threatened not to come to the wedding. They feel that we're rushing into it (we've been dating for three years) and because I have a child. I'm concerned that if he's letting his family control his actions over the wedding who know what else they'll try to control in his life. I'm wondering if I should call the whole thing off and let him grow up a bit. I've been down this road before and I don't want to set myself up for another failed marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiance and I are supposed to get married in May. Originally we were going to get married next month, but we rescheduled the date because my fiance wanted to do it when it's warmer so the reception can be outdoors. Well now he's asking if we can put the wedding off until sometime next year. I asked him why and he told me because his family doesn't want him to marry me and some have threatened not to come to the wedding. They feel that we're rushing into it (we've been dating for three years) and because I have a child. I'm concerned that if he's letting his family control his actions over the wedding who know what else they'll try to control in his life. I'm wondering if I should call the whole thing off and let him grow up a bit. I've been down this road before and I don't want to set myself up for another failed marriage.

I'm really sorry. I think your concerns are quite valid. How will waiting another year make things better for his family - and this wedding isn't about them, it's about the two of you. That he's willing to let his family dictate his marriage choices doesn't bode well for you. And, I'd be suspect of his reason to postpone it the first time.

I believe you should break things off. You and your DC deserve better. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Call it off. You will never be happy with this guy. Even if he decides to stand up to his family on this. He will eventually blame you for tension with them.

I'm sure there have been other red flags along the way.

You and your child deserve better. That guy is out there. It may take longer than you'd like to meet him, but it will be worth the wait.

In the mean time, focus on yourself get therapy to figure out why you pick pathetic men, and focus on your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call it off. You will never be happy with this guy. Even if he decides to stand up to his family on this. He will eventually blame you for tension with them.

I'm sure there have been other red flags along the way.

You and your child deserve better. That guy is out there. It may take longer than you'd like to meet him, but it will be worth the wait.

In the mean time, focus on yourself get therapy to figure out why you pick pathetic men, and focus on your child.

Thanks! I definitely think therapy is in order this time around.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to grow a pair.

[Anonymous]

You know best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiance and I are supposed to get married in May. Originally we were going to get married next month, but we rescheduled the date because my fiance wanted to do it when it's warmer so the reception can be outdoors. Well now he's asking if we can put the wedding off until sometime next year. I asked him why and he told me because his family doesn't want him to marry me and some have threatened not to come to the wedding. They feel that we're rushing into it (we've been dating for three years) and because I have a child. I'm concerned that if he's letting his family control his actions over the wedding who know what else they'll try to control in his life. I'm wondering if I should call the whole thing off and let him grow up a bit. I've been down this road before and I don't want to set myself up for another failed marriage.

I'm really sorry. I think your concerns are quite valid. How will waiting another year make things better for his family - and this wedding isn't about them, it's about the two of you. That he's willing to let his family dictate his marriage choices doesn't bode well for you. And, I'd be suspect of his reason to postpone it the first time.

I believe you should break things off. You and your DC deserve better. Hugs.

I believe the initial part of this response is solid advice and close to the words you use when you talk to him next. I would talk to him first but I would not change the date. Only you can know if the family issues will be too much to overcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiance and I are supposed to get married in May. Originally we were going to get married next month, but we rescheduled the date because my fiance wanted to do it when it's warmer so the reception can be outdoors. Well now he's asking if we can put the wedding off until sometime next year. I asked him why and he told me because his family doesn't want him to marry me and some have threatened not to come to the wedding. They feel that we're rushing into it (we've been dating for three years) and because I have a child. I'm concerned that if he's letting his family control his actions over the wedding who know what else they'll try to control in his life. I'm wondering if I should call the whole thing off and let him grow up a bit. I've been down this road before and I don't want to set myself up for another failed marriage.

I'm really sorry. I think your concerns are quite valid. How will waiting another year make things better for his family - and this wedding isn't about them, it's about the two of you. That he's willing to let his family dictate his marriage choices doesn't bode well for you. And, I'd be suspect of his reason to postpone it the first time.

I believe you should break things off. You and your DC deserve better. Hugs.

I believe the initial part of this response is solid advice and close to the words you use when you talk to him next. I would talk to him first but I would not change the date. Only you can know if the family issues will be too much to overcome.

I know this isn't fair, but family issues caused problems in my first marriage and I've always feared that it could happen again. I know I shouldn't make him pay for something that happened to me in the past, but it's a genuine concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiance and I are supposed to get married in May. Originally we were going to get married next month, but we rescheduled the date because my fiance wanted to do it when it's warmer so the reception can be outdoors. Well now he's asking if we can put the wedding off until sometime next year. I asked him why and he told me because his family doesn't want him to marry me and some have threatened not to come to the wedding. They feel that we're rushing into it (we've been dating for three years) and because I have a child. I'm concerned that if he's letting his family control his actions over the wedding who know what else they'll try to control in his life. I'm wondering if I should call the whole thing off and let him grow up a bit. I've been down this road before and I don't want to set myself up for another failed marriage.

I'm really sorry. I think your concerns are quite valid. How will waiting another year make things better for his family - and this wedding isn't about them, it's about the two of you. That he's willing to let his family dictate his marriage choices doesn't bode well for you. And, I'd be suspect of his reason to postpone it the first time.

I believe you should break things off. You and your DC deserve better. Hugs.

I believe the initial part of this response is solid advice and close to the words you use when you talk to him next. I would talk to him first but I would not change the date. Only you can know if the family issues will be too much to overcome.

I know this isn't fair, but family issues caused problems in my first marriage and I've always feared that it could happen again. I know I shouldn't make him pay for something that happened to me in the past, but it's a genuine concern.

I think there is a difference between making someone pay for someone else's past mistakes and learning from your past experiences. In this instance, I think that you are merely learning from past experiences. This man, instead of standing up to his family and saying and standing up for you, has decided to let his family dictate who he should marry and when. They don't like the fact that you have a child, that isn't going to change in a year.

Do you really want to be marry into a family that looks at you as not good enough because you have a child?

What type of grandparents would they be to your child if they resent you and your DC?

What type of relationship can you have with your fiance if he won't stand up to his family?

Also, what type of relationship will you have if he resents you one day for creating problems between him and his family (even though it is clearly not your fault)?

[Anonymous]

Call.it.off.

[Anonymous]

You already know the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call.it.off.

This

[Anonymous]

Another vote for call it off. You deserve way better.

[Anonymous]

"I'm concerned that if he's letting his family control his actions over the wedding who know what else they'll try to control in his life. I'm wondering if I should call the whole thing off and let him grow up a bit. I've been down this road before and I don't want to set myself up for another failed marriage." -- OP

OP, you sound mature and thoughtful--more mature than your fiance. You realize he's not really mature enough to marry and needs to "grow up a bit."

If you had been together a shorter time I might say, talk with him and work on this while also postponing the wedding, BUT because you've been a couple for three years, I think you need to call it off, break up and move on, focusing on your child only. If he is doing this three years into your serious relationship, then he sounds unlikely to grow up in another year between now and a postponed wedding.

Sit down and think hard; list all the times and ways he has chosen family over you, or just indicated that he's going to cave to family pressures, small or large. That will tell you a lot about whether giving him time to grow up would really make any difference. I doubt it will. And a PP has excellent questions to ask yourself--how will these people treat your child if you marry? Will your child be second-best to the grandparents if you and your husband have kids of your own? What will your own relationship with your in-laws be like? And so on. I can't see any good answers coming out of this.

OP, if your current fiance is an immature mama's boy type, and your ex-husband had similar family and maturity issues, after you break up, consider seeing a therapist for a while to figure out why you repeated the pattern with this fiance. You sound smart and careful, and deserve to have a life where a partner puts you and your child first.

[Anonymous]

I think you know the answer. A year from now they will still not like you for whatever reason. If you were to marry him tomorrow do you want to put up with his family forever? If they live nearby you don't have a chance.