Should I call it off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiance and I are supposed to get married in May. Originally we were going to get married next month, but we rescheduled the date because my fiance wanted to do it when it's warmer so the reception can be outdoors. Well now he's asking if we can put the wedding off until sometime next year. I asked him why and he told me because his family doesn't want him to marry me and some have threatened not to come to the wedding. They feel that we're rushing into it (we've been dating for three years) and because I have a child. I'm concerned that if he's letting his family control his actions over the wedding who know what else they'll try to control in his life. I'm wondering if I should call the whole thing off and let him grow up a bit. I've been down this road before and I don't want to set myself up for another failed marriage.

I'm really sorry. I think your concerns are quite valid. How will waiting another year make things better for his family - and this wedding isn't about them, it's about the two of you. That he's willing to let his family dictate his marriage choices doesn't bode well for you. And, I'd be suspect of his reason to postpone it the first time.

I believe you should break things off. You and your DC deserve better. Hugs.

I believe the initial part of this response is solid advice and close to the words you use when you talk to him next. I would talk to him first but I would not change the date. Only you can know if the family issues will be too much to overcome.

I know this isn't fair, but family issues caused problems in my first marriage and I've always feared that it could happen again. I know I shouldn't make him pay for something that happened to me in the past, but it's a genuine concern.

There's a difference between learning from past mistakes (ignoring red flags about family) and making a future partner pay for past mistakes (inventing red flags that don't exist). He TOLD you his family doesn't like you and wants to postpone the wedding because of that. What did he propose to DO ABOUT THAT? Nothing? Just wait for them to come around? Those are all giant red flags waving, that you past experience is telling you to pay attention to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiance and I are supposed to get married in May. Originally we were going to get married next month, but we rescheduled the date because my fiance wanted to do it when it's warmer so the reception can be outdoors. Well now he's asking if we can put the wedding off until sometime next year. I asked him why and he told me because his family doesn't want him to marry me and some have threatened not to come to the wedding. They feel that we're rushing into it (we've been dating for three years) and because I have a child. I'm concerned that if he's letting his family control his actions over the wedding who know what else they'll try to control in his life. I'm wondering if I should call the whole thing off and let him grow up a bit. I've been down this road before and I don't want to set myself up for another failed marriage.

I'm really sorry. I think your concerns are quite valid. How will waiting another year make things better for his family - and this wedding isn't about them, it's about the two of you. That he's willing to let his family dictate his marriage choices doesn't bode well for you. And, I'd be suspect of his reason to postpone it the first time.

I believe you should break things off. You and your DC deserve better. Hugs.

I believe the initial part of this response is solid advice and close to the words you use when you talk to him next. I would talk to him first but I would not change the date. Only you can know if the family issues will be too much to overcome.

I know this isn't fair, but family issues caused problems in my first marriage and I've always feared that it could happen again. I know I shouldn't make him pay for something that happened to me in the past, but it's a genuine concern.

There's a difference between learning from past mistakes (ignoring red flags about family) and making a future partner pay for past mistakes (inventing red flags that don't exist). He TOLD you his family doesn't like you and wants to postpone the wedding because of that. What did he propose to DO ABOUT THAT? Nothing? Just wait for them to come around? Those are all giant red flags waving, that you past experience is telling you to pay attention to.

+1 He's not responsible for his family's feelings or actions, but he is responsible for his own reaction to them. He showed you that he will let his family come between you two and he won't be a good partner.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there's anything wrong with the fiance wanting more time because of his family. Even if you have been dating for three years, you clearly have a more complicated situation than most as there's a kid and prior marriage involved. His family feeling like more time is warranted isn't unreasonable.

That said, I think you know that you should be calling it off. If you're getting cold feet now, something in your gut is telling you that this relationship is a mistake. When a relationship is right, you don't get the urge to call it quits months before the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there's anything wrong with the fiance wanting more time because of his family. Even if you have been dating for three years, you clearly have a more complicated situation than most as there's a kid and prior marriage involved. His family feeling like more time is warranted isn't unreasonable.

That said, I think you know that you should be calling it off. If you're getting cold feet now, something in your gut is telling you that this relationship is a mistake. When a relationship is right, you don't get the urge to call it quits months before the wedding.

Yes it is unreasonable! Because he is a grownup and make his own descisions. Barring substance abuse, emotional abuse or violence you don't get to butt into grown people's relationship. Please learn some boundaries.

OP- wait to marry again until you find a man who can't live without you and would move heaven and earth to marry you. You deserve that.

[Anonymous]

Unless there's something extreme, family has to be 100% supportive of everyone's actions all the time?

[Anonymous]

I have healthy boundaries with my family. I express my concerns like an adult, and they do to me. People can have opinions that differ from you and be leading healthy lives....

[Anonymous]

I would never marry someone whose family doesn't like me. And then the fact that he can't stand up to them speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

He agrees with his family, so he too has some doubts about you.
After 3 years?

Call it off.

[Anonymous]

sorry op. I dated a woman like you for years and would have stopped talking to my family if they said something like this

[Anonymous]

Let's look at this from another angle....what issue does his family have with you other than just the previous marriage and a child? That isn't a big deal now a days, every other person has been divorced or has a child. Are these really religious folks that don't believe in divorce? Do they not like your child, are they unruly? I have a brother and he is a goof and if he was marrying someone with a child I would be more concerned about her than him. More often than not families are supportive of your decisions unless you are truly making some bad decisions. Have a friend about to get married, met girl on web dated for a year but have only been in the same room with her for 100 days and they are getting married. She has a kid, who is great by the way, and she was married before. He is like a brother to me, I finally met her and all the issues I had had disappeared. She is a nice girl, my friend on the other hand is a handfull and she may not know what she is getting into.

Have you met these people who so vehemently oppose you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's look at this from another angle....what issue does his family have with you other than just the previous marriage and a child? That isn't a big deal now a days, every other person has been divorced or has a child. Are these really religious folks that don't believe in divorce? Do they not like your child, are they unruly? I have a brother and he is a goof and if he was marrying someone with a child I would be more concerned about her than him. More often than not families are supportive of your decisions unless you are truly making some bad decisions. Have a friend about to get married, met girl on web dated for a year but have only been in the same room with her for 100 days and they are getting married. She has a kid, who is great by the way, and she was married before. He is like a brother to me, I finally met her and all the issues I had had disappeared. She is a nice girl, my friend on the other hand is a handfull and she may not know what she is getting into.

Have you met these people who so vehemently oppose you?

I've met them and they've always been really nice to my face. I'm guessing the issue is my child and that I'm divorced. I can't think of any other reason why they would have a problem with him marrying me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's look at this from another angle....what issue does his family have with you other than just the previous marriage and a child? That isn't a big deal now a days, every other person has been divorced or has a child. Are these really religious folks that don't believe in divorce? Do they not like your child, are they unruly? I have a brother and he is a goof and if he was marrying someone with a child I would be more concerned about her than him. More often than not families are supportive of your decisions unless you are truly making some bad decisions. Have a friend about to get married, met girl on web dated for a year but have only been in the same room with her for 100 days and they are getting married. She has a kid, who is great by the way, and she was married before. He is like a brother to me, I finally met her and all the issues I had had disappeared. She is a nice girl, my friend on the other hand is a handfull and she may not know what she is getting into.

Have you met these people who so vehemently oppose you?

I've met them and they've always been really nice to my face. I'm guessing the issue is my child and that I'm divorced. I can't think of any other reason why they would have a problem with him marrying me.

Are they super religious? This doesn't make sense unless they have a personal issue with you. That seems more reasonable than just divorced and a kid. Is your fiance greatly younger than you? How old are you and how old is he?

[ZachF]

If you marry him now, you marry a man that you know are marrying a weak man who will always put his family first, over you. Get married knowing that will always be the case, or don't. Just don't think it will ever change or that family will ever like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's look at this from another angle....what issue does his family have with you other than just the previous marriage and a child? That isn't a big deal now a days, every other person has been divorced or has a child. Are these really religious folks that don't believe in divorce? Do they not like your child, are they unruly? I have a brother and he is a goof and if he was marrying someone with a child I would be more concerned about her than him. More often than not families are supportive of your decisions unless you are truly making some bad decisions. Have a friend about to get married, met girl on web dated for a year but have only been in the same room with her for 100 days and they are getting married. She has a kid, who is great by the way, and she was married before. He is like a brother to me, I finally met her and all the issues I had had disappeared. She is a nice girl, my friend on the other hand is a handfull and she may not know what she is getting into.

Have you met these people who so vehemently oppose you?

I've met them and they've always been really nice to my face. I'm guessing the issue is my child and that I'm divorced. I can't think of any other reason why they would have a problem with him marrying me.

The problem isn't you, it's that your fiance is under his family's thumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's look at this from another angle....what issue does his family have with you other than just the previous marriage and a child? That isn't a big deal now a days, every other person has been divorced or has a child. Are these really religious folks that don't believe in divorce? Do they not like your child, are they unruly? I have a brother and he is a goof and if he was marrying someone with a child I would be more concerned about her than him. More often than not families are supportive of your decisions unless you are truly making some bad decisions. Have a friend about to get married, met girl on web dated for a year but have only been in the same room with her for 100 days and they are getting married. She has a kid, who is great by the way, and she was married before. He is like a brother to me, I finally met her and all the issues I had had disappeared. She is a nice girl, my friend on the other hand is a handfull and she may not know what she is getting into.

Have you met these people who so vehemently oppose you?

I've met them and they've always been really nice to my face. I'm guessing the issue is my child and that I'm divorced. I can't think of any other reason why they would have a problem with him marrying me.

Are they super religious? This doesn't make sense unless they have a personal issue with you. That seems more reasonable than just divorced and a kid. Is your fiance greatly younger than you? How old are you and how old is he?

They're Catholic, but not super religious. He's older than me, I'm 38 and he's 40.