Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
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Anonymous
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Just found out that a colleague of mine got a big promotion, which I was competitive for until about a year ago, when my one of my DCs started getting sick regularly (chronic illness) and I started missing a lot of work and not being as reliable (lots of doctor's appointments, lots of sick days with little notice). I still get all my work done, and have good performance reviews, but supervisor makes jokes about my kids being healthy.
Both of us (me and my colleague) have a DH with a demanding career and long hours, both of us have young children (although I have 2 DCs and she only has 1), so it is not simply about having children vs. not having children or having a spouse with easy hours vs long hours. My colleague definitely puts more into her work than I do (not raw hours, but is willing to travel several times per month and with little notice, needs fewer sick days for her child, pays for lots of extra childcare), so I am not complaining about her getting a promotion, but still feeling sad. I am at peace with my daily decisions to put less in at work to be there more for my kids, but when I see others pulling ahead career-wise, I do feel some regret. I put so much into my education and career before I had kids, and while I don't feel like my education was a waste (education is never a waste), it does feel like there was no point to working really hard for a few years to get ahead in my career, only to mommy-track myself later. No questions, just venting and feeling sad. |
Anonymous
| Normal to feel sad. You can always refresh and recommit to work if you find yourself feeling resentful or wanting to untrack yourself- if you can't do it at your current place of employment a new job can give you a fresh start where you won't have the mommy-track history. Anyways, it's ok to feel sad but own your choices and try to look at the positive of what you GAINED- time with your kids that you can never get back. |
Anonymous
| Dh and I were talking about this the other night. He daddy tracked himself. His general career path would have brought him a mid 7 figure income and prestige, but a lot of time away from the family and a lot of stress. When the time came for him to make the choice, he chose family. Not something he's regretted, but he ran into an old friend from high school who was in the same career path as dh and chose the alternate path. Very different lives and DH couldn't help but reflect on how things would be different. |
Anonymous
What even qualifies as 'mid 7 figures' ? 5 million? v. what? At that point you are sounding a little greedy. |
Anonymous
"Mid seven figures" 
Was he "on track" to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? |
Anonymous
I think this is very much a normal thing to do sometimes, particularly at cross roads and certainly not limited to career tracking decisions. Its hard sometimes when you feel really "behind" or "less than" OP, I battle this feeling all the time honestly in more areas than 1, but I try to remember that living in a state of "what if" is really not living at all! |
Anonymous
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I understand your feelings. I mommy-tracked myself about a decade ago, and sometimes its hard when colleagues more heavily committed to their professional work are hitting big professional milestones that I am not.
I think I made the right choice for me, but sometimes I want an alternate reality where I put my all into work and see how far I can go professionally. |
Anonymous
Huh? I was just saying it because it was quite a leap in what he made at the time and the fact that taking that path was seen as "hitting the jackpot" if you were able to get to that point. So dh deciding not to take the opportunity was basically met with "is he nuts?" From everyone in that circle. |
Anonymous
| It will be so great when the workplace finally acknowledges the reality that workers have lives outside of work. |
Anonymous
Lol, yeah he had that third starter slot in the Nats rotation pretty much locked up until he decided to handle bath time a few years back. |
Anonymous
So what you're saying is this your husband in reverse. |
Anonymous
| Listen, you're working and you're doing your best. You can reassess in a year and see how you want to tackle the everyday. Doesn't sound like you mommy tracked yourself, sounds like you're weighing how to handle each day and it's been about a year of this. Maybe this promotion with your coworker will inspire you to re think the childcare thing, or maybe not. But you can "lean in" when your life becomes a little more even. We all have our seasons of life and sounds like you're doing a great job with yours. |
Anonymous
Well in OP's case they have. She's still doing her job - and doing it well - and she's getting good reviews for it. But her colleague is doing better. Of course the colleague is who should be promoted. |
Anonymous
With all kindness, it doesn't sound like you're actually at peace yet with your decision. If you were, you wouldn't be feeling regret. I suggest you spend some time fantasizing about how much more you'd enjoy the extra money your coworker is making over the additional time you have with your family if you found out you were going to die. Because that's going to happen someday, and I can guarantee you're not going to care about the money then. |
Anonymous
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I think a lot of moms feel this way OP. It's hard to come to terms with what feels like the loss of the years you put in. At times like this it helps me to look at what I've gained. In your case, you were there for a sick child while being able to continue doing a good job and getting good reviews. That's quite an accomplishment!
As others have said, this may be a slower time in your career but as you move past this time and your child's health stabilizes, you may be able to travel more. Even though it's hard to take the lack of advancement now, on your deathbed I'm sure you won't regret having spent the time with your child. |