Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself

[Anonymous]

It's ok not to be totally at peace with your decision. Leaning in is hard, SAHMing is hard, and mommy tracking is hard too. With young kids it's all pretty hard.

I was jealous of my increasingly successful friends in big deal jobs but once they have kids they have their own stresses too.

[Anonymous]

I get out op, and I don't think it's about money, like some pps were assuming.

I think that the women on the other side, who leaned in career wise and had to make sacrifices on family time also sometimes wonder "what if..." It's totally natural. If you haven't already, read Anne Marie slaughter's piece on this in the Atlantic. Can women (or anyone) have it all, really?

[Anonymous]

I get out should have said I get it.
Sorry for that and the other typos!

[Anonymous]

Both my husband and I have experienced this to one degree or another. I was making a great salary, but had no work life balance. I gave that up and moved to a career in which I have less prestige, but more quality time with my child. My husband has had the opportunity to advance in his current employer (he has been there 20plus years) to a position that would significantly increase his pay, but would require a great deal of travel (2plus weeks per month). He has declined because he doesn't want to spend time away from home. We could easily swing it as I work from home and have lots of flexibility with my position. My child is in daycare/pre-school - but no additional childcare other than that. Spending quality time with our child is important to us and we place a premium on it.

It sounds like you coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career. She pays for extra childcare so it sounds like she has little quality time with her kid.

IMO, I think you got the better deal. Sure, you may not have gotten the promotion, but you have a manageable work/life balance in which you don't need a ton of extra childcare. Promotions will come and go - the quality time with your kids is way more special than any promotion.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP. Same situation. But, I know that if we had continued down the path of two strong careers, our family lives would've suffered. Very very few people manage to have it all. When I really started to feel the stress and saw that my marriage and family were suffering, I mommy-tracked myself.

I hope to get back into the full swing of it in a few years when my kids are older.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't last forever OP. I too mommy-tracked and my kids are in college or gearing up to go. I was just able to take a new position within organization that will require much more office time. Obviously don't know how it will go, but am excited to be focusing on my career again. And, my kids (teens) talk to me!! And I have great memories of the books we read together, the adventures we took, and the all those frustrating battles of wills.don't despair! Many chapters in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and I have experienced this to one degree or another. I was making a great salary, but had no work life balance. I gave that up and moved to a career in which I have less prestige, but more quality time with my child. My husband has had the opportunity to advance in his current employer (he has been there 20plus years) to a position that would significantly increase his pay, but would require a great deal of travel (2plus weeks per month). He has declined because he doesn't want to spend time away from home. We could easily swing it as I work from home and have lots of flexibility with my position. My child is in daycare/pre-school - but no additional childcare other than that. Spending quality time with our child is important to us and we place a premium on it.

It sounds like you coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career. She pays for extra childcare so it sounds like she has little quality time with her kid.

IMO, I think you got the better deal. Sure, you may not have gotten the promotion, but you have a manageable work/life balance in which you don't need a ton of extra childcare. Promotions will come and go - the quality time with your kids is way more special than any promotion.

Ugh. Why would you assume that the coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career? Maybe she has figured out a balance that OP hasn't. No need to criticize the coworker just to make the OP feel better or help her to justify her own career decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and I have experienced this to one degree or another. I was making a great salary, but had no work life balance. I gave that up and moved to a career in which I have less prestige, but more quality time with my child. My husband has had the opportunity to advance in his current employer (he has been there 20plus years) to a position that would significantly increase his pay, but would require a great deal of travel (2plus weeks per month). He has declined because he doesn't want to spend time away from home. We could easily swing it as I work from home and have lots of flexibility with my position. My child is in daycare/pre-school - but no additional childcare other than that. Spending quality time with our child is important to us and we place a premium on it.

It sounds like you coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career. She pays for extra childcare so it sounds like she has little quality time with her kid.

IMO, I think you got the better deal. Sure, you may not have gotten the promotion, but you have a manageable work/life balance in which you don't need a ton of extra childcare. Promotions will come and go - the quality time with your kids is way more special than any promotion.

Ugh. Why would you assume that the coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career? Maybe she has figured out a balance that OP hasn't. No need to criticize the coworker just to make the OP feel better or help her to justify her own career decisions.

I was actually pulling that from the OP's post -

My colleague definitely puts more into her work than I do (not raw hours, but is willing to travel several times per month and with little notice, needs fewer sick days for her child, pays for lots of extra childcare),

Willing to travel SEVERAL TIMES PER MONTH = (time away from child)
Pays for LOTS of extra childcare = additional time away from child

I am a working mom. I am not casting judgment. Some people have different priorities. It doesn't make them right or wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get out op, and I don't think it's about money, like some pps were assuming.

I think that the women on the other side, who leaned in career wise and had to make sacrifices on family time also sometimes wonder "what if..." It's totally natural. If you haven't already, read Anne Marie slaughter's piece on this in the Atlantic. Can women (or anyone) have it all, really?

NO, because those women still have the option to become SAH, get fertility treatments, adopt, foster, etc. Once you're out of the workforce for a while, you've missed your boat. But I'm sure it's aaaalll worth it, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and I have experienced this to one degree or another. I was making a great salary, but had no work life balance. I gave that up and moved to a career in which I have less prestige, but more quality time with my child. My husband has had the opportunity to advance in his current employer (he has been there 20plus years) to a position that would significantly increase his pay, but would require a great deal of travel (2plus weeks per month). He has declined because he doesn't want to spend time away from home. We could easily swing it as I work from home and have lots of flexibility with my position. My child is in daycare/pre-school - but no additional childcare other than that. Spending quality time with our child is important to us and we place a premium on it.

It sounds like you coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career. She pays for extra childcare so it sounds like she has little quality time with her kid.

IMO, I think you got the better deal. Sure, you may not have gotten the promotion, but you have a manageable work/life balance in which you don't need a ton of extra childcare. Promotions will come and go - the quality time with your kids is way more special than any promotion.

Ugh. Why would you assume that the coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career? Maybe she has figured out a balance that OP hasn't. No need to criticize the coworker just to make the OP feel better or help her to justify her own career decisions.

Seriously. Do you know the coworker? Stop bashing other women's career choices because they decide to do something other than aspire to be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get out op, and I don't think it's about money, like some pps were assuming.

I think that the women on the other side, who leaned in career wise and had to make sacrifices on family time also sometimes wonder "what if..." It's totally natural. If you haven't already, read Anne Marie slaughter's piece on this in the Atlantic. Can women (or anyone) have it all, really?

NO, because those women still have the option to become SAH, get fertility treatments, adopt, foster, etc. Once you're out of the workforce for a while, you've missed your boat. But I'm sure it's aaaalll worth it, right?

What boat?

You make it sound like fertility treatments, adoption, fostering etc are a walk in the park.

For many people, its hard to find the right balance. Everyone does the best they can.

We don't have to keep arguing back and forth about who has it better. Because it's pretty impossible to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and I have experienced this to one degree or another. I was making a great salary, but had no work life balance. I gave that up and moved to a career in which I have less prestige, but more quality time with my child. My husband has had the opportunity to advance in his current employer (he has been there 20plus years) to a position that would significantly increase his pay, but would require a great deal of travel (2plus weeks per month). He has declined because he doesn't want to spend time away from home. We could easily swing it as I work from home and have lots of flexibility with my position. My child is in daycare/pre-school - but no additional childcare other than that. Spending quality time with our child is important to us and we place a premium on it.

It sounds like you coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career. She pays for extra childcare so it sounds like she has little quality time with her kid.

IMO, I think you got the better deal. Sure, you may not have gotten the promotion, but you have a manageable work/life balance in which you don't need a ton of extra childcare. Promotions will come and go - the quality time with your kids is way more special than any promotion.

Ugh. Why would you assume that the coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career? Maybe she has figured out a balance that OP hasn't. No need to criticize the coworker just to make the OP feel better or help her to justify her own career decisions.

Seriously. Do you know the coworker? Stop bashing other women's career choices because they decide to do something other than aspire to be a SAHM.

You 2 crazies take your shit elsewhere there are tons of threads for the fight you are spoiling to have. Time is not infinite, you will sacrifice something at some point. Its fine to admit that.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks to all for taking the time to read/reply and for all your kind words and different approaches.

To be clear, I think my coworker is a great mother, and I don't begrudge her the promotion.

Also, I'm not sad about the money (although I wouldn't mind a salary increase ), it's the sense of falling behind, and seeing the consequences of my choices play out.

I appreciate the reminder that balancing is hard for everyone with young kids, and we all have different ways in which we feel like we struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my husband and I have experienced this to one degree or another. I was making a great salary, but had no work life balance. I gave that up and moved to a career in which I have less prestige, but more quality time with my child. My husband has had the opportunity to advance in his current employer (he has been there 20plus years) to a position that would significantly increase his pay, but would require a great deal of travel (2plus weeks per month). He has declined because he doesn't want to spend time away from home. We could easily swing it as I work from home and have lots of flexibility with my position. My child is in daycare/pre-school - but no additional childcare other than that. Spending quality time with our child is important to us and we place a premium on it.

It sounds like you coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career. She pays for extra childcare so it sounds like she has little quality time with her kid.

IMO, I think you got the better deal. Sure, you may not have gotten the promotion, but you have a manageable work/life balance in which you don't need a ton of extra childcare. Promotions will come and go - the quality time with your kids is way more special than any promotion.

I made these choices and hit all the milestones; until my mid 50s. Then you're either in the executive suite or out. I got laid off, like most
Ugh. Why would you assume that the coworker is sacrificing time with her child for her career? Maybe she has figured out a balance that OP hasn't. No need to criticize the coworker just to make the OP feel better or help her to justify her own career decisions.

I was actually pulling that from the OP's post -

My colleague definitely puts more into her work than I do (not raw hours, but is willing to travel several times per month and with little notice, needs fewer sick days for her child, pays for lots of extra childcare),

Willing to travel SEVERAL TIMES PER MONTH = (time away from child)
Pays for LOTS of extra childcare = additional time away from child

I am a working mom. I am not casting judgment. Some people have different priorities. It doesn't make them right or wrong.

Lots of women make the sacrifices and still get sidelined or laid off in their 50s.

[Anonymous]

OP- I was in a similar situation 5 years ago. I mommy tracked my career when my oldest was born. He ended up having health issues, which required me to scale back even more. He got older and healthier and I got a new job and fully leaned in. While I may not catch up to where I would have been, I've already progressed from where I was and am on track to keep progressing. The mommy-track thing doesn't have to be forever!