Not complaining, just feeling sad about having mommy-tracked myself
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Anonymous
Ah, OP. I know exactly what you mean. I absolutely feel this way. I've got friends who are fabulously successful and I'm thrilled for them, I really am. But I also look at them and wistfully think that I could be where they are if I had made different choices. On the flip side, they envy my short work hours, flexible schedule and lack of job-related stress. We're all doing what we think is best for our families and ourselves. |
), it's the sense of falling behind, and seeing the consequences of my choices play out.
Anonymous
Thanks for your post, OP. I often feel similarly to you as well--but then I think about the flip side of it too, and how stressed and anxious I might be in a different job. There's no maximizing all variables at once. |
Anonymous
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Wow OP, I had almost the exact same thing happen to me just yesterday.
A peer of mine at work just got a very plum assignment that will give her a lot of opportunities moving forward. Last year, I was offered something similar and turned it down because I knew that it would be very, very hard on my kids and my family. (My DH has an inflexible job situation.) I got the email announcing the peer's assignment and I just felt bad. I wouldn't really do anything any differently, but I still felt crappy. I know I am capable of so much more professionally, but I also know in my case that if I fulfill my potential professionally I will be stretched very thin and my kids will suffer some. I know myself pretty well and I'm not of these superhero moms that can put in a 50 hour week at a stressful job and come home and be my best self or parent. |
Anonymous
| OP, it sounds like you're regretting a choice that wasn't much of a choice, so try not to worry about what you should have done. You did what you should have done. You can't really outsource taking a sick kid to the doctor--either you do it, or your husband would have to do it. One or both of you would have to make a trade off in terms of your careers to do what you had to do for your kid. |
Anonymous
Yep, same here. When I see colleagues go to where I could have been, I feel bad. But in the end my kids take priority, otherwise why have them? |
Anonymous
Not the OP but this is nice to hear. It helps to know folks who have "leaned back" in one stage of life and shifted gears later. |
Anonymous
| I hear you. I feel the same way. But the way I look it, mommy track is still a track. I hope that I will be in a position to ramp up again when my kids are no longer so young. It won't be the same as having gone straight through, but it's not like I'm totally out of the workforce either. |
Anonymous
| Women's lives go in sequences, like arcs of years. You are in a time with little kids in an arc. It will end (don't have any more kids or it won't). Plan for the end, gear up, and start another arc. |
Anonymous
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Haven't read all the responses, but glad it seems like a supportive thread. A lot of us have been in your shoes OP. I turned down 4 jobs in the past 8 years that would have fast tracked my career, raised my profile, and probably resulted in a higher salary today and onward. But I knew in each case it wasn't going to be my dream job, and that it would have lousy consequences for the rest of my life.
There are plenty of times where I feel some regret. But I also have seen that opportunities come and go; it's not a single promotion or you're left behind forever. Two years ago I did accept a bigger job. It may not take me to the same heights as some of the other opportunities might have, but I boosted my salary by about 25%, while keeping my work-life balance where I need it to be. Just keep being good at what you do - you'll have plenty of other opportunities for advancement. |
Anonymous
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I hear you, OP. I mommy-tracked for a few years when my kids were babies - only took assignments that required no or minimal travel, for example, which in my field really limited my options.
They are older now and I've started "leaning in" a little more, although not to the degree that I could if I didn't have kids. One of my coworkers (started within a year of when I did) has definitely surpassed me in career. I watch her sometimes and can't help but think what I could have done .... But the bottom line is that I made my choice, she made hers. I am actually happy with my choices and wouldn't do it differently, but it's ok to feel a little sad for what we gave up, even if we got something else in return. The good news is that I am starting to see more opportunities open up as I make myself available for them. So I agree with a pp, mommy tracking can be a phase and not necessarily forever. |
Anonymous
| Your life is ruined like tens of millions of others who have forfeited intellectual stimulation to drive children to piano lessons and karate. The most you can do now is to make sure that any daughters you have do not follow in your footsteps and instead are 100% independent women with interesting, thought stimulating careers. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
| I did the same thing and found myself at 50 regretting not going for the bigger paycheck and promotions. I loved being the parent to care for my kids, but now I am facing a divorce and a smaller career to support us. |
Anonymous
do you even have kids and feel the pull of a soft cheek to snuggle and a tiny hand to hold. Money can't replace that |
Anonymous
I feel like many sahm are convinced they'll never be in this situation and don't prepare at all for this outcome. Pp did you assume the same when you made your decision early on? |