GF letting other people speak ill of me

[Anonymous]

Hope everyone had a good holiday...

I (25M) have been with my GF (26F) for ~3 years, we're both gainfully-employed, debt-free, etc. and she is talking about engagement. Every single person I've brought into the relationship (friends, family, close coworkers, etc) seems to like my GF and is friendly with her. Every person my girlfriend has brought into the relationship likes me with two exceptions:

1. One of my girlfriend's childhood friends who graduated and has lived with her parents in NJ for a few years. My GF really only sees this girl when she goes back to NJ, and at this point this was the first time I had met this person in my life. I hosted a NYE party in my apartment (we both live in the city) and this friend came down to DC. Everybody was having fun, I had consumed 3-4 drinks over a few hours (so nowhere near "embarrassing drunk") and started offering people shots. My GF saw this and instructed me to stop because she thought people would get too drunk. The childhood friend also saw this interaction and told my GF in private she thought I was very immature and my GF could do much better. During this conversation my GF apparently did not defend me at all, and the next morning she told me all about it and actually blamed me for the opinion this female friend had formed of me. My GF was unable to articulate what I did that was immature beyond parroting what this childhood friend had said.

2. One of my girlfriend's female friends (G) has a boyfriend (Z). At this time Z had been let go from his nonprofit job that he apparently hated and was having difficulty finding a new position. My girlfriend and I were at a bar with two work friends and their SOs. My girlfriend invited G and Z (bear in mind this is only the second or third time I had met Z), and apparently Z told G he thought I was an arrogant jerk and did not like me at all. This got back to my girlfriend and subsequently to me, for which my girlfriend did not defend me at all to G or Z and again got mad at me that this guy did not like me. My girlfriend is mainly friends with G, and G likes me alot (I almost get the sense she has a crush on me as she gets a little handsy with me whenever we're out drinking). I asked my girlfriend what I had done that night that made me arrogant or a douche in Z's opinion and again she couldn't say.

I am friendly with both the childhood friend and Z, but I don't really go out of my way to run into them or spend time with them. Am I right to think how both of these situations were handled by m GF is a huge red flag? If somebody unfairly formed a negative opinion of my GF and started trash-talking her to my face I would absolutely defend her. There's always going to be the 0.1% of people in her life who are not fans of me for one reason or another, and it seems really unfair to blame me unless I've clearly done something to deserve it.

In regards to my question- we have a group iMessage thread with me, my GF, G, and Z. My girlfriend was at her parents house in NJ and I was with my parents in Mclean. My girlfriend was being really chatty over text with Z (they were sending each other animal pictures and stuff like that). I just texted my girlfriend individually "why are you being so buddy buddy with Z?". I told her it felt like kind of a slap in the face after how this guy had talked about me, and she got really mad and told me I was being controlling and that these incidents were in the past and I should let it go. So not only did my GF not defend me to this guy, but she think it's fine to be carrying on like they're best buds.

I just want to get an objective viewpoint on this, let me know if any further details are needed.

[Anonymous]

So in three years two people have said something to your girlfriend about not liking you - that you know of - and you want to know if that's a red flag?

You did not need to write a novel. The issue of whether or not she feels like your behavior reflects on her is unclear and the only potential issue. She doesn't have to change someone's mind if they don't like you, that would be embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

You both sound immature.

[Anonymous]

You do sound very controlling. And your need to have everyone like you is actually the red flag.

Chill, man. You sound very rigid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do sound very controlling. And your need to have everyone like you is actually the red flag.

Chill, man. You sound very rigid.

+1

[Anonymous]

The appropriate reaction to to this would be to sign up for Reputation Defender or a PR firm and target the 2 people with tailored Larlo is the best dude on earth ads

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So in three years two people have said something to your girlfriend about not liking you - that you know of - and you want to know if that's a red flag?

You did not need to write a novel. The issue of whether or not she feels like your behavior reflects on her is unclear and the only potential issue. She doesn't have to change someone's mind if they don't like you, that would be embarrassing.

Honestly I would've appreciated her standing up for me even a little bit ("no he's not like that..." or something similar) and not just implicitly agreeing. Normally I wouldn't care but she started arguing with me because she said it was my fault that this guy didn't like me and I must have done something to cause that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do sound very controlling. And your need to have everyone like you is actually the red flag.

Chill, man. You sound very rigid.

I don't really care whether these people like me, I *do* feel like your SO other should stand up for you if someone is talking badly about you behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So in three years two people have said something to your girlfriend about not liking you - that you know of - and you want to know if that's a red flag?

You did not need to write a novel. The issue of whether or not she feels like your behavior reflects on her is unclear and the only potential issue. She doesn't have to change someone's mind if they don't like you, that would be embarrassing.

Honestly I would've appreciated her standing up for me even a little bit ("no he's not like that..." or something similar) and not just implicitly agreeing. Normally I wouldn't care but she started arguing with me because she said it was my fault that this guy didn't like me and I must have done something to cause that.

Honestly, I think being nonresponsive when someone says something negative about someone else is a pretty common reaction. The childhood friend has known her much longer than you have, for example -- her opinion carries a lot of weight. Your need to be defended is really weird, though. In the first case, you definitely sound like you gave good reason to leave a poor impression. And, based on your posting here, I can easily see how someone might find you arrogant.

Let it go, dude. Not everyone has to like you. Demanding she defend your virtue is a little weird. And controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do sound very controlling. And your need to have everyone like you is actually the red flag.

Chill, man. You sound very rigid.

I don't really care whether these people like me, I *do* feel like your SO other should stand up for you if someone is talking badly about you behind your back.

Just so long as you understand this feeling is invalid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do sound very controlling. And your need to have everyone like you is actually the red flag.

Chill, man. You sound very rigid.

I don't really care whether these people like me, I *do* feel like your SO other should stand up for you if someone is talking badly about you behind your back.

It sounds like your SO agrees with some of the observations these people are making and is too afraid to tell you. I don't entirely blame her, you seem like you'd be difficult to have that type of discussion with.

[Anonymous]

I would ditch this girlfriend of yours. It will only get worst. She seems very controlling and easily influenced by whatever loser she is hanging around. Find another girl who is mature enough to believe in herself and her choices in life.

[Anonymous]

Yep she needs to go. Don't listen to these other post. They are just bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So in three years two people have said something to your girlfriend about not liking you - that you know of - and you want to know if that's a red flag?

You did not need to write a novel. The issue of whether or not she feels like your behavior reflects on her is unclear and the only potential issue. She doesn't have to change someone's mind if they don't like you, that would be embarrassing.

Honestly I would've appreciated her standing up for me even a little bit ("no he's not like that..." or something similar) and not just implicitly agreeing. Normally I wouldn't care but she started arguing with me because she said it was my fault that this guy didn't like me and I must have done something to cause that.

Honestly, I think being nonresponsive when someone says something negative about someone else is a pretty common reaction. The childhood friend has known her much longer than you have, for example -- her opinion carries a lot of weight. Your need to be defended is really weird, though. In the first case, you definitely sound like you gave good reason to leave a poor impression. And, based on your posting here, I can easily see how someone might find you arrogant.

Let it go, dude. Not everyone has to like you. Demanding she defend your virtue is a little weird. And controlling.

I think you might be misunderstanding my post, in both instances it was an issue for my GF and not for me. What I would say in that situation when she's arguing with me? "Sorry Johnny Appleseed doesn't like me, neither of us knows what I did to leave a bad impression but I'll take fault for it"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So in three years two people have said something to your girlfriend about not liking you - that you know of - and you want to know if that's a red flag?

You did not need to write a novel. The issue of whether or not she feels like your behavior reflects on her is unclear and the only potential issue. She doesn't have to change someone's mind if they don't like you, that would be embarrassing.

Honestly I would've appreciated her standing up for me even a little bit ("no he's not like that..." or something similar) and not just implicitly agreeing. Normally I wouldn't care but she started arguing with me because she said it was my fault that this guy didn't like me and I must have done something to cause that.

Honestly, I think being nonresponsive when someone says something negative about someone else is a pretty common reaction. The childhood friend has known her much longer than you have, for example -- her opinion carries a lot of weight. Your need to be defended is really weird, though. In the first case, you definitely sound like you gave good reason to leave a poor impression. And, based on your posting here, I can easily see how someone might find you arrogant.

Let it go, dude. Not everyone has to like you. Demanding she defend your virtue is a little weird. And controlling.

I think you might be misunderstanding my post, in both instances it was an issue for my GF and not for me. What I would say in that situation when she's arguing with me? "Sorry Johnny Appleseed doesn't like me, neither of us knows what I did to leave a bad impression but I'll take fault for it"?

Yeah, pretty much. That's what you say. "Oh well." Instead, you berated her for not defending your virtue. It's weird.