GF letting other people speak ill of me

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't believe more than one poster here has called you out for offering shots. Who cares. It was a party. Lighten up. Everyone has such a stick up their ass.

I'd be upset if my partner didn't defend me at least a little.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are at different stages in life. She's ready to settle down and get engaged/married, you aren't, which is why you appear immature to her friends. Nothing wrong with not being ready- I wasn't my in mid 20s- but since she is, every "immature" thing you do is going to make her resent you more and more, and she's not going to defend it.

Also, it is possible that you are immature and arrogant. If you are, your GF isn't going to defend you.

What is your GF's side in this? What would she say? I suggest trying to see things from her perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't believe more than one poster here has called you out for offering shots. Who cares. It was a party. Lighten up. Everyone has such a stick up their ass.

I'd be upset if my partner didn't defend me at least a little.

I think it depends on the context. When I was 25, getting drunk and being like " WHO WANTS TO DO SHOTS?!" would've been embarrassing and immature. I would've thought my friend's boyfriend was lame as well. I'm less clear on the other situation but OP definitely went out of his way to note that the guy got fired, which seems pretty douchy to me. It sounds like OP thinks pretty highly of himself, and maybe these people are picking up on that. The nonsense about the texts is also immature. OP's issue is that he's not ready to be in a relationship with an adult,which is fine. He should go back to doing shots with the guys.

[Anonymous]

Weird that you called her out for friendly texts with Z.

[Anonymous]

Your OP was tldr but a couple of things:

1) It is a little immature and gauche to be all, "let's do shots!!!" when you're past college-age. This is the time of life when people try to be a little more sophisticated. I would have been embarrassed by that behavior too, if I were dating you.

2) the fact that your girlfriend told you about the shots conversation w/ her friend meant that she, too, found your behavior immature and socially awkward. She's not obligated to defend you no matter what. You're just a boyfriend, not a spouse or family member.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am surprised how much flak you are taking on this topic and much of it is completely beside the point of your situation and question. Ignore.

You are fundamentally right to doubt. The issue is not what some other 3rd party says about you, it is that your GF is taking their side against you and criticizing you like she is their messenger.

Not okay. And, probably not worth discussing. This is something to know about her and do your own calculations. This is how she is. And I agree with the PP who said it is manipulative. It is not okay. She does not have your back. Her behavior is leading you to experience distrust when she is especially friendly to a person you are both aware dislikes you and has said completely rude impolite things about you.

Moreover, anybody would feel some hurt at the criticism you received. That old friend was your guest and what a rude guest, complaining and carping to your GF. So rude! I don't even know her and I dislike her already.

And this guy, Z, okay so he has been having some rough times recently but it sounds like he is part of the problem in his own life if he says completely rude things about perfectly friendly acquaintances. Who knows, if he actually befriended you like an adult you might have networked for him or helped him out in some other way. So - it is him, not you.

I recall my 20s being intensely social, met and interacted with so many people, and some of them are there mainly as life lessons of what you don't want to be around.

2017 goals:
- have polite, appreciative, positive attitude guests at your next party
- don't include a-holes in your social circle
- get free and find a woman who demonstrates positively that she values you and that you can trust, and who has empathy for your feelings when some rude jerk throws shade on you.

[Anonymous]

You are reading into this too much. My DH is kind of an elitist although he doesn't try to be. He is a bit of a school snob and would totally look down at a guy he thought did not have a real job. Most of our friends are high income but I could see a guy who wasn't thinking DH is a dick. I wouldn't tell DH and even if I did, he would just think the other person was insecure and not care.

I lost one of my closest friends due to our husbands not getting along. My friend never told me that her DH doesn't care for my husband but it is obvious. I actually did get mad at DH for probably being a dick. DH got defensive and said it was the other guy who was the insecure jerk. This was after we were married though.

I had a girlfriend who I think had a crush on my DH when we were dating. She would say negative things about DH at times, especially when he didn't really talk to her when we were out. Think she said he thought he was too good to talk to her. Was not even worth mentioning to my boyfriend, now husband. Would DH have been offended? Highly doubt it.

Not everyone is going to like you, OP. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm only a few years older than you but married with two kids. I think the problem here is that you and your girlfriend are not a team, not a "united front." Plus she doesn't seem good at articulating herself.

It is SO important to be able to be a united front. To the extended families, to random strangers, to community, to doctors, to your kids. And I'm just not sure you have that with this person.

OP here- thank you for this.

[Anonymous]

If your GF doesn't have your back she isn't marriage material. It doesn't matter if her friends are right, she should still back you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, as a host, passing out shots is a really dumb thing to do. If an accident occurs later, you could be held liable. If I was meeting you for the first time I would have questioned your intelligence. If your GF didn't defend you for that behavior she has a good reason.
Second, are you so insecure that everyone has to love you? So what if two of her friends don't think your a gift to womankind! Show some maturity and you might gain some traction.

OP again- I'm not sure why people are getting so fixated on me offering shots as a host (the poster who said it was "gauche"...are you serious?). It was a gathering of 20-somethings (few own cars and none drove). I live in the city and really like driving my car, but if I know drinking is involved I will just take an Uber. The same goes for my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My burning question is why your GF chose to share this with you. The only reason I can think of is that she has reservations about you/your relationship but is unable/unwilling to voice her own concerns. Therefore, she is voicing the alleged concerns her friends have and using them as a proxy for her opinions. Whether their opinions are her opinions, I find it problematic for her to share the negative opinions and not facts with you.

+1
Bingo

Yes, this poster has it absolutely right. And are you sure she didn't defend you? Just because she is bringing it up to you now / agrees with them does not mean she didn't defend you to her friends in the moment.

Yes- in both instances I asked her something to the effect of "Did you say anything to them to defend me? You know I'm not an arrogant douche" and she said no. The absurd thing is that she couldn't actually say what I had done wrong either time, she was angry and convinced that it was my fault both these people didn't like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you've been going out with her for 3 years and in mid-20s she's been long since ready for you to make the next move which is at least getting engaged. You didn't do that so she's very unhappy with you. She's now looking for a rationale to dump you other than that "He wouldn't ask me to marry him!" because that would hurt her ego too much. So she's looking for excuses to dump you in your behavior, in reinforcing that you're not marriage material from her friends' criticisms (which is why she even told you about it).

Do you want a future with her or not? If so, you need to have a very serious talk about what "the future" means. I guarantee it isn't another year or two or three of a relationship that's all about partying and doing shots.

What all her friends and she is implying is, "Would a man who is serious about settling down, getting married, and having children be acting like the life of the party clown?" No he would not.

We've talked about it a few times and she's said she'd like to date at least as long as her parents did before getting married (5 years). Not sure how you reach the conclusion of "she's been long since ready for you to make the next move which is at least getting engaged".

[Anonymous]

Oh just end it. You aren't right for each other. It doesn't matter why or whose fault it is, just chalk this up to experience and focus on finding someone better suited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you've been going out with her for 3 years and in mid-20s she's been long since ready for you to make the next move which is at least getting engaged. You didn't do that so she's very unhappy with you. She's now looking for a rationale to dump you other than that "He wouldn't ask me to marry him!" because that would hurt her ego too much. So she's looking for excuses to dump you in your behavior, in reinforcing that you're not marriage material from her friends' criticisms (which is why she even told you about it).

Do you want a future with her or not? If so, you need to have a very serious talk about what "the future" means. I guarantee it isn't another year or two or three of a relationship that's all about partying and doing shots.

What all her friends and she is implying is, "Would a man who is serious about settling down, getting married, and having children be acting like the life of the party clown?" No he would not.

We've talked about it a few times and she's said she'd like to date at least as long as her parents did before getting married (5 years). Not sure how you reach the conclusion of "she's been long since ready for you to make the next move which is at least getting engaged".

You said in your original post that she is talking engagement. That means she is ready.

And shots really aren't that big of a deal unless there are a bunch of other immaturity problems going on.

Always assume positive intentions. Unless your gf is a sociopath, she's not purposely doing this just to hurt you. Try to figure out from her perspective why she does it. It helps if you can ask her nicely without getting defensive and angry.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, men stick up for women a lot more than women stick up for men. My college GF did not stick up for me. Later, another GF, now my DW, never sticks up for me when her family criticizes me. I, however, always stick up for her. Once a colleague of mine told me that as a lawyer I would have to associate with important people and my GF would not be appropriate in that situation. I asked why he thought so and he said his friend down the hall was not impressed with GF at a lunch outing. This friend was VERY southern and I said of course he didn't like her because she is not White.