Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?
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Anonymous
| I'm 38yo and currently pregnant with my 3rd child. I have a bunch of old friends who have all been married for 5-10 years who don't have kids. It feels like it should be a natural no big deal question to ask but I've become paranoid by being on parenting forums. It seems like a lot of people on these forums are trying to have children but dealing with infertility. When people ask me about myself, I usually say a few things and always mention at least one thing about my children. Right now it would be that I am pregnant again. |
Anonymous
| It's rude. But you knew that already. |
Anonymous
| I'm a guy and I'd do this with male friends, but I also think guys are less sensitive about it. When DD does something or we're talking about some topic, I'll say, "I don't know if you plan to have kids, but... (childcare is expesnive, etc).. ".. So basically something I'd say anyway, but with that clause in front. They can take the bait or not. |
Anonymous
| I think it's rude. And of their good friends you'd know already I know about all my friends plans/wishes to have kids or not. And not from asking them. |
Anonymous
The friends I am thinking of are way more children people than DH and me. DH and I didn't especially like kids before we had them. Of course we love our kids now. They were all people I hung out with before I was married. We moved to DC from NYC so I plan on seeing them when we go visit next week. |
Anonymous
| I would not because you do not know if infertility is an issue, the relationship is rocky, one person wants children and the other doesn't, etc... Basically, if you do not already know the situation, it is none of your business and you should not bring it up. Let them tell you. |
Anonymous
|
It depends on the friendship and situation, I think. If it's someone you're really close with and are having a one-on-one fairly deep conversation over coffee about your lives, then I think it could be normal, if you ask it in a way that makes it clear you're just curious about the other person's life. Like, you asked your friend, "So, are you happy in your job right now? I remember you were thinking about looking for something new a few months ago," and then she talks for a while about how she doesn't feel fulfilled there, she hates her boss, etc. Then you talk about your job a bit and move on to something about your husband. Then you say in the same way as you asked about her job, "Do you guys want to have kids someday?" Then let her answer however she wants, and if it's fairly short or evasive, let it go. If not, then listen with genuine interest and don't try to talk her out of it or act judgmental if she says no. And leave your kids and how fulfilled you are by them out of it. It's not about you -- it's about her.
BUT, I would only ask if it's someone who you would feel comfortable discussing a medical situation or infertility or marital problem you were having and feel she would feel comfortable sharing with you. If not, then it's none of your business. |
Anonymous
| If it's a good friend it's fine. If you aren't sure if you are close enough for it to be okay for you to ask then you probably shouldn't. |
Anonymous
|
The first time I went out to dinner after a miscarriage, we ran into my husband's former coworker who immeadiately exclaimed "when are you going to have babies?" I was literally still in physical pain, not to mention trying to recover emotionally. I almost started crying right there.
So long story short, no, don't ask. |
Anonymous
| No, it's rude. Also in my mid 30's, and friends bring it up in conversation if they're planning on them in the future. If they don't bring it up, it's because they don't want to talk about it. |
Anonymous
|
Please don't. Like others have said, you don't know if infertility or marital discord are at play.
As someone who is childless by choice, whenever I've told people I don't want kids, it's almost immediately followed by "you'll change your mind!" Or "you're young!" Or "who is going to take care of you when you're old?" I can honestly say that not one time have I received a positive response or enthusiasm that I know what I want and what's best for me. I understand that if you're a person who just loves babies and kids it is hard to grasp this but it's really rude when it manifests as "you're wrong" or "you don't really know what you want." |
Anonymous
| Childless poster again, I should note, I like to browse these boards to remind myself why I'm happy without kids...lol |
Anonymous
That sucks. When I have friends say their childless by choice I say "That's cool" or "I get it - kids are hard." I'm sorry your friends are rude about it!! |
Anonymous
WTF OP. How is it any of your business? Someone who is excitedly trying and doesn't have fertility issues may in fact say to you -- yeah we're trying so hopefully by next Christmas, there'll be a baby at the table. If they don't bring it up - you don't bring it up. And if you lived in NYC you realize it's MUCH more common to NOT have kids there, right? People work a lot harder and play a lot harder and often don't want to take the steps back that you need to take to bring kids in . . . . |
Anonymous
|
Yes it's rude.
In my experience people will share with you their family plans if they want you to know. |