Is it rude to ask if friend plans to have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the friendship and situation, I think. If it's someone you're really close with and are having a one-on-one fairly deep conversation over coffee about your lives, then I think it could be normal, if you ask it in a way that makes it clear you're just curious about the other person's life. Like, you asked your friend, "So, are you happy in your job right now? I remember you were thinking about looking for something new a few months ago," and then she talks for a while about how she doesn't feel fulfilled there, she hates her boss, etc. Then you talk about your job a bit and move on to something about your husband. Then you say in the same way as you asked about her job, "Do you guys want to have kids someday?" Then let her answer however she wants, and if it's fairly short or evasive, let it go. If not, then listen with genuine interest and don't try to talk her out of it or act judgmental if she says no. And leave your kids and how fulfilled you are by them out of it. It's not about you -- it's about her.

BUT, I would only ask if it's someone who you would feel comfortable discussing a medical situation or infertility or marital problem you were having and feel she would feel comfortable sharing with you. If not, then it's none of your business.

Good advice. And on the flip side, close friends asked me what it was really like to have kids, what I thought the best timing was, stuff like that. They're a couple years younger and at 32 were debating whether to go for it. I'd just had 2 miscarriages (secondary infertility at 34!) and I thought you know, I'm going to be honest. So I told them that obviously I couldn't tell them whether to have kids, but if they wanted them, to stop putting it off and go for it ASAP. Used the miscarriages as an example of why it's risky to wait. I wouldn't have mentioned them otherwise since I'm usually pretty private and I don't want to invite a pity party, but I felt like they had no clue about fertility declines (nor did I at their age). 10 months later they had a baby and seem very happy!

[Anonymous]

It's fine to ask in if the conversation lends itself and you ask in an conversational way such as "How about you, thinking of having kids some day?" Accept whatever answer they provide and move on.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's rude whatsoever, but I would only ask it of close friends. And I've generally already talked to them about it, so I know

[Anonymous]

What could possibly be gained by having this conversation OP? Will your friendships change because your childless friends who you rarely see may or may not continue to be childless? I'm really struggling here to see why you think this is remotely relevant information to have if you do not have it already.

[Anonymous]

How about if your friend has one child, should you ask if she plans to have a second? I have one child, and the minority of my friends also have one (most have 2), so part of me wonders about the few who are like me, will they have another. And then, if someone asked me, I don't think I would want that question. It is private matter, and everyone has her own story.

[Anonymous]

It is rude

[Anonymous]

It's rude but I have about 5 really good friends that I could ask or tell anything including this.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you ask them about their preferred sex positions while you're at it?

[Anonymous]

It's rude no matter how many kids you have (0, 1, 5...). I have one and will not have more than one for reasons that I probably wouldn't share with anyone except for one dear friend. I have other friends who have 1, 2 or 3 kids and not only can they not stop telling me "when we have next kid..." (not if), they constantly press me for how many kids I'm having and when the next will be. Stop asking people when or if they're going to have unprotected sex and mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

Child-free here. I don't if it's rude so much as it's a dead-end conversation in my experience. If you ask me why I'm not having kids, pretty much any response I give is going to potentially sound judge-y of the choice to have kids ("I wasn't interested in being mom," "It's not for me") or put you in the awkward spot of asking potentially judge-y sounding questions or making judge-y sounding comments in response to my response ("It's worth it though" "I felt the same till I had kids") This is more or less true depending on the level of friendship of course but in general it's just uncomfortable all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's rude.

In my experience people will share with you their family plans if they want you to know.

Exactly. How is this even a question? Of course you don't ask. If they want to talk to you about it and you are that close with them they will tell you.

[Anonymous]

The real question is: why do you feel compelled to ask this question? What is it about being pregnant with your 3rd in your late 30s and/or what is going on in your life that you think this question is an important one? This is about you, OP. It is not about your friends.

[Anonymous]

Weird. I find with my childless friends I want to do adult things. I figure if they are trying, I'd know. And if they are not - awesome, they are people to hang out with child free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child-free here. I don't if it's rude so much as it's a dead-end conversation in my experience. If you ask me why I'm not having kids, pretty much any response I give is going to potentially sound judge-y of the choice to have kids ("I wasn't interested in being mom," "It's not for me") or put you in the awkward spot of asking potentially judge-y sounding questions or making judge-y sounding comments in response to my response ("It's worth it though" "I felt the same till I had kids") This is more or less true depending on the level of friendship of course but in general it's just uncomfortable all around.

Yes! I am an infertile parent and totally agree with this. If you don't already know the answer, you aren't close enough to ask!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real question is: why do you feel compelled to ask this question? What is it about being pregnant with your 3rd in your late 30s and/or what is going on in your life that you think this question is an important one? This is about you, OP. It is not about your friends.

This.

It's an extremely rude question to ask, simply because you don't know the answer, and really, the answer doesn't impact anything in your life.

I'm 40, and DH and I are a few days away from our LO, despite being together for 12 years. People assumed a lot of things about us, and I can't tell you how many times I've been asked about the state of my uterus. It was a really painful question, because for us, it came down to a lot about timing and circumstance that was deeper than most people knew was going on in our lives. So, for years I just sidestepped the question while seething inside at the invasion of my privacy. Strangely, the people who really cared for us, and are now the happiest for us, never even asked once about it once in alll those years.