Accepting responsibility...ADHD or just ``bratty''

[Anonymous]

My ADHD middle schooler does not seem to accept responsibility, at all, for his mistakes. It ranges from making bad choices with time management (not conceding that these choices are the reason he isn't getting his work done) to the farcical, like misplacing his phone for a week and somehow contriving that it is his parents fault. Help! Any ideas here?

[Anonymous]

Some of it is just the age, but damn, you cannot let it go. He has to learn that he is responsible for his actions or you will be raising a jackass.

Stay strong. If he is disrespectful and/or continues in his denial of responsibility ("You guys are such jerks for not reminding me to check my backpack for my phone!"), respond with a swift consequence. ("You can be mad at yourself for misplacing your phone, but you don't get to be disrespectful about it. That includes blaming us for your choices. If you choose to say another word along this line of disrespect, you've lost the Xbox remote for a week [or insert other painful consequence.])

And then follow through. If he says another peep about blaming you, take the remote, or the phone or the wi-fi...

--Mom of a 15 year old

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm with you, but does taking away the xbox remote or any other unrelated and random consequence for disrespect really change behavior or teach or a lesson, or does it just cause them to dig in their heels even more? Because I have yet to see my child, when faced with a consequence like this, turn to self-reflection and understand and accept his mistakes.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to differ that you "can't let it go."

What difference does it make that you get him to admit that his choices are the reason that he isn't getting work done? The point is to get the work done. Getting him to admit he's wrong sounds like you want to be right and you want him to do the work. Get him to do the work. Worry about his mindset a little less.

[Anonymous]

PP..the reason i care about the work thing is because I'd like him to learn from his mistakes. More disturbing though his not accepting that he is the one that misplaced his phone, not his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I'm with you, but does taking away the xbox remote or any other unrelated and random consequence for disrespect really change behavior or teach or a lesson, or does it just cause them to dig in their heels even more? Because I have yet to see my child, when faced with a consequence like this, turn to self-reflection and understand and accept his mistakes.

5:55 here: I see, you're expecting some revelation and maturity. That's not what I was promising. The key here is that you consistently send the message that this denial of responsibility is not okay. I do not expect the middle school brain to "reflect and understand." That may not come for a few years. And that's okay. I can't control what my kid is thinking or feeling. But what I can control is my message about what is appropriate in our family and in our house. If you are concerned about digging in heels, it's perfectly fine to follow up when things have quieted down and have a serious conversation. You still maintain the consequence and you talk about steps that he can take in the future to get the work done on his own or remember where his phone is. Keep it calm and short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP..the reason i care about the work thing is because I'd like him to learn from his mistakes. More disturbing though his not accepting that he is the one that misplaced his phone, not his parents.

Learning from your mistakes is a life-long lesson that even adults are in-process for.

[Anonymous]

Is he medicated?

[Anonymous]

My DS is the same. Problem is he doesn't learn from his mistakes, at least not how most people do. They are not good at predicting the consequences of their actions. Consequences, if given, need to be swift and in my opinion ought to be smaller than what PP suggested. Maybe no xbox that night. But it may not teach him the skill. That probably will take years to develop. He will be more likely to take responsibility if fear of punishment isn't there to distract him.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop thinking he can be different/(your definition of normal).

He is living with a different brain than you and you don't understand it. There is nothing you can do that can make him think like you do. Pointing out all his mistakes and making him admit it was his mistake is like pointing out to a person in a wheelchair that they can't walk up stairs and asking them to admit that it is their fault that they can't walk up stairs. It's mean and demoralizing.

If he loses his phone he lives with the consequences of not having his phone. Ignore his questions or insinuations that somebody moved it.

Turn on track my phone... that is a tool to find the phone. He will never remember where he put it.... NEVER, his brain does not store information like that. There should be 1 place in his room that the phone goes, 1 place on the 1st floor. If he has a system in place to replace the short term memory everybody else has he will learn, my phone is always by the couch or on the night stand. If it's not he gets frustrated and he learns. (YOU CAN'T TEACH HIM THAT.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201311/adhd-adults-what-it-feels-have-adhd

[Anonymous]

You are asking way too much from even an NT child of his age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop thinking he can be different/(your definition of normal).

He is living with a different brain than you and you don't understand it. There is nothing you can do that can make him think like you do. Pointing out all his mistakes and making him admit it was his mistake is like pointing out to a person in a wheelchair that they can't walk up stairs and asking them to admit that it is their fault that they can't walk up stairs. It's mean and demoralizing.

If he loses his phone he lives with the consequences of not having his phone. Ignore his questions or insinuations that somebody moved it.

Turn on track my phone... that is a tool to find the phone. He will never remember where he put it.... NEVER, his brain does not store information like that. There should be 1 place in his room that the phone goes, 1 place on the 1st floor. If he has a system in place to replace the short term memory everybody else has he will learn, my phone is always by the couch or on the night stand. If it's not he gets frustrated and he learns. (YOU CAN'T TEACH HIM THAT.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201311/adhd-adults-what-it-feels-have-adhd

Agree with all this. He needs you to help him set up systems where he can be successful. A certain place for the phone - at home, in his backpack, when he goes out. You can't just say "manage your time" to a kid with ADHD. You need to set up visual cues for him to learn this - a day planner with each hour broken out and accounted for, planning out homework every afternoon and designating the time to do it on the planner, a time timer to see how much or little time is left in a designated chunk of time. It's a huge project for you but it is the best path to independence for him. There are some great podcasts and articles from CHADD and ADDitude magazine to help.

[Anonymous]

My 5th grader is always blaming everyone else for everything wrong, and resists doing homework until I almost forcefully have to make him. His grades are bad because of him doing the bare minimum, but he's one of the smartest in the class. Its a struggle, and this is with meds. We're starting therapy again, not sure it will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5th grader is always blaming everyone else for everything wrong, and resists doing homework until I almost forcefully have to make him. His grades are bad because of him doing the bare minimum, but he's one of the smartest in the class. Its a struggle, and this is with meds. We're starting therapy again, not sure it will help.

How do you know he is one of the smartest in the class?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop thinking he can be different/(your definition of normal).

He is living with a different brain than you and you don't understand it. There is nothing you can do that can make him think like you do. Pointing out all his mistakes and making him admit it was his mistake is like pointing out to a person in a wheelchair that they can't walk up stairs and asking them to admit that it is their fault that they can't walk up stairs. It's mean and demoralizing.

If he loses his phone he lives with the consequences of not having his phone. Ignore his questions or insinuations that somebody moved it.

Turn on track my phone... that is a tool to find the phone. He will never remember where he put it.... NEVER, his brain does not store information like that. There should be 1 place in his room that the phone goes, 1 place on the 1st floor. If he has a system in place to replace the short term memory everybody else has he will learn, my phone is always by the couch or on the night stand. If it's not he gets frustrated and he learns. (YOU CAN'T TEACH HIM THAT.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201311/adhd-adults-what-it-feels-have-adhd

Agree with all this. He needs you to help him set up systems where he can be successful. A certain place for the phone - at home, in his backpack, when he goes out. You can't just say "manage your time" to a kid with ADHD. You need to set up visual cues for him to learn this - a day planner with each hour broken out and accounted for, planning out homework every afternoon and designating the time to do it on the planner, a time timer to see how much or little time is left in a designated chunk of time. It's a huge project for you but it is the best path to independence for him. There are some great podcasts and articles from CHADD and ADDitude magazine to help.

So much this. I wish my parents had helped teach me skills instead of giving vague proclamations.

Look into the Pomodoro Technique ... while he's probably not working longer stretches at this point, you can still use the technique for shorter stretches.