Accepting responsibility...ADHD or just ``bratty''

[Anonymous]

Have you given him the tools to be successful? I've spent years working with my son on time management and on identifying a place for everything and always putting it there. IMO this is more important than the blaming.

I think blaming is somewhat typical of kids and I don't accept it. But if the same issues are coming up repeatedly then you have work to do on skills. I don't need my kids to admit they were wrong, but I certainly tell them when something is not my fault. In the heat of the moment I think it's tough to take responsibility. And if you haven't done it, get the find my phone app.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5th grader is always blaming everyone else for everything wrong, and resists doing homework until I almost forcefully have to make him. His grades are bad because of him doing the bare minimum, but he's one of the smartest in the class. Its a struggle, and this is with meds. We're starting therapy again, not sure it will help.

For middle school I asked my son to list his homework he had, how much time each would take, and what time each thing would start.... so it looked like this

English: 15 minutes - 5pm
Science: 30 minutes - 7pm
Math: 20 minutes - 8:30

I set a timer for the times.

I don't know why this helped but it has.

Also, my son CAN'T work in a quiet area/at a desk... the opposite of what we were told. So he listens to instrumental music.. his music/no words and sits on a couch.

[Anonymous]

NP and thank you PP. I'm going to try that!

[Anonymous]

Someone recommended the book "Yes, Your Teen IS Crazy". I've read it and suggest you read it as well. There's more touchy/feely/anecdotal stories than I like but it is grounded in research which I like. My DS (an 8th grader with ADHD/anxiety/LDs) sounds a lot like your DS. It can be very tough to distinguish between what's normal teenage behavior and what isn't. This book helped me re-think my approach and better recognize the differences.

My anecdote: Crazy teenaged DS was out walking the dog when I got home from work and I didn't realize it. When I came in, I locked the door behind me. Some time later, crazy teenage DS comes back from the walk and can't get in. He's pounding on the door, ringing the doorbell, etc. Younger DS jumps up, runs down the stairs and lets crazy teenage DS in. Instead of saying 'thanks' to younger DS, crazy teenage DS says "Next time go faster".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop thinking he can be different/(your definition of normal).

He is living with a different brain than you and you don't understand it. There is nothing you can do that can make him think like you do. Pointing out all his mistakes and making him admit it was his mistake is like pointing out to a person in a wheelchair that they can't walk up stairs and asking them to admit that it is their fault that they can't walk up stairs. It's mean and demoralizing.

If he loses his phone he lives with the consequences of not having his phone. Ignore his questions or insinuations that somebody moved it.

Turn on track my phone... that is a tool to find the phone. He will never remember where he put it.... NEVER, his brain does not store information like that. There should be 1 place in his room that the phone goes, 1 place on the 1st floor. If he has a system in place to replace the short term memory everybody else has he will learn, my phone is always by the couch or on the night stand. If it's not he gets frustrated and he learns. (YOU CAN'T TEACH HIM THAT.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201311/adhd-adults-what-it-feels-have-adhd

But the issue is that he's blaming her. If the person in the wheelchair turned to you and said it's YOUR FAULT I can't walk up stairs, that would be unacceptable as well. Accepting responsibility is a really important part of life, and doesn't always mean "blame" is assigned. In other words, the child needs to be able to acknowledge the fact that "I didn't do my homework this week." It's not a "who's to blame" issue, it's just a fact. Then you work on problem solving why homework wasn't done and what support he might need to help get homework done.
My son is a bit younger, with ADHD, and we struggle with the same thing. I say something very basic, like "It's getting late, and it's time for you to go upstairs and brush your teeth." And he will start screaming at me that it's my fault that he hasn't gone upstairs yet, because I didn't [insert nonsensical reason here]. This is something we're working on. I always try to stress that it's not about deciding whose fault something is, it's about figuring out how to solve a problem and move forward.

Also, I disagree with you that he will NEVER remember where he put the phone. That's just defeatist. I have pretty bad ADHD (un-medicated). It's true I often don't remember where I put my phone. But I establish routines that assist me in remembering where I put it. And I force myself to pay attention when I am out of the routine. (E.g., I am out and I do not have my purse. So I will focus on where I am putting my phone -- in my coat pocket -- so I don't flip out and panick when I can't find it. In my coat pocket, coat pocket, think like a pocket dial, it's in the pocket. Or whatever.) Just cause you're brain is wired differently, doesn't mean you can't figure out ways to do it -- it just means you need to put more work into it, figure out what works for you, and cut yourself some slack if you fail sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop thinking he can be different/(your definition of normal).

He is living with a different brain than you and you don't understand it. There is nothing you can do that can make him think like you do. Pointing out all his mistakes and making him admit it was his mistake is like pointing out to a person in a wheelchair that they can't walk up stairs and asking them to admit that it is their fault that they can't walk up stairs. It's mean and demoralizing.

If he loses his phone he lives with the consequences of not having his phone. Ignore his questions or insinuations that somebody moved it.

Turn on track my phone... that is a tool to find the phone. He will never remember where he put it.... NEVER, his brain does not store information like that. There should be 1 place in his room that the phone goes, 1 place on the 1st floor. If he has a system in place to replace the short term memory everybody else has he will learn, my phone is always by the couch or on the night stand. If it's not he gets frustrated and he learns. (YOU CAN'T TEACH HIM THAT.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201311/adhd-adults-what-it-feels-have-adhd

But the issue is that he's blaming her. If the person in the wheelchair turned to you and said it's YOUR FAULT I can't walk up stairs, that would be unacceptable as well. Accepting responsibility is a really important part of life, and doesn't always mean "blame" is assigned. In other words, the child needs to be able to acknowledge the fact that "I didn't do my homework this week." It's not a "who's to blame" issue, it's just a fact. Then you work on problem solving why homework wasn't done and what support he might need to help get homework done.
My son is a bit younger, with ADHD, and we struggle with the same thing. I say something very basic, like "It's getting late, and it's time for you to go upstairs and brush your teeth." And he will start screaming at me that it's my fault that he hasn't gone upstairs yet, because I didn't [insert nonsensical reason here]. This is something we're working on. I always try to stress that it's not about deciding whose fault something is, it's about figuring out how to solve a problem and move forward.

Also, I disagree with you that he will NEVER remember where he put the phone. That's just defeatist. I have pretty bad ADHD (un-medicated). It's true I often don't remember where I put my phone. But I establish routines that assist me in remembering where I put it. And I force myself to pay attention when I am out of the routine. (E.g., I am out and I do not have my purse. So I will focus on where I am putting my phone -- in my coat pocket -- so I don't flip out and panick when I can't find it. In my coat pocket, coat pocket, think like a pocket dial, it's in the pocket. Or whatever.) Just cause you're brain is wired differently, doesn't mean you can't figure out ways to do it -- it just means you need to put more work into it, figure out what works for you, and cut yourself some slack if you fail sometimes.

I think that you can expect a child to stop blaming his parents, but the notion that a child (with or without ADHD) should "learn from his mistakes" is just a non-starter. Children do not have the maturity to learn life lessons all the time. And it's pedantic and kind of creepy to expect a child to constantly focus on "life lessons" in addition to their schoolwork.

[Anonymous]

Isn't all life learning from one's mistakes? No one is born perfect, and if people weren't willing to learn from mistakes, we'd certainly have no science, engineering, literature, or music.

I think there's a big difference between learning from mistakes (which is an iterative process and make take time) and beating someone up over mistakes they have made.
The latter is pointless, the former is essential.

I hope I have learned (maybe slowly) from mistakes I've made, and I hope my children learn from theirs. If I only teach them one thing as a parent, is that mistakes happen, and you learn from them and move forward. That's life.

And PS -- is anyone else REALLY aggravated by the Yoda "Try Not. Do." thing? I love Star Wars but everytime I hear someone say that, or see it on a Tshirt, I want to scream, "Yes, try!" That's all any of us can do. I don't really care what you DO, at the end of the day, but please TRY. Anything you were able to do without trying, I'm not really impressed. If you try your best, but still fail, I am impressed. Take that, Yoda.

[Anonymous]

Blaming is learned form of communication. You need to stop using that form of communication. It is passive aggressive.

Stop using blaming in your house.

Do you say to your H, "we don't have eggs" or do you say "you forgot to get the eggs"

You need to learn to communicate in your house without blaming. You son has learned that somebody has to be blamed.

The phone is lost... why to do you have to blame somebody for it being lost.

[Anonymous]

<<And it's pedantic and kind of creepy to expect a child to constantly focus on "life lessons" in addition to their schoolwork.>>

Not really. If the teen messes up bc of bad choices and has a really unpleasant experience bc of it, you'd hope they'd want to avoid that again.

[Anonymous]

Blaming is learned form of communication. You need to stop using that form of communication. It is passive aggressive.

Stop using blaming in your house.

Do you say to your H, "we don't have eggs" or do you say "you forgot to get the eggs"

You need to learn to communicate in your house without blaming. You son has learned that somebody has to be blamed.

The phone is lost... why to do you have to blame somebody for it being lost.>>

I think this is kind of pyschobabble. I teen gets angry about his phone missing and lashes out. For him it's a big deal -- why did this happen, someone has to be responsible. It may not be a mature response, but you can't assume it's learned communication from our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blaming is learned form of communication. You need to stop using that form of communication. It is passive aggressive.

Stop using blaming in your house.

Do you say to your H, "we don't have eggs" or do you say "you forgot to get the eggs"

You need to learn to communicate in your house without blaming. You son has learned that somebody has to be blamed.

The phone is lost... why to do you have to blame somebody for it being lost.>>

I think this is kind of pyschobabble. I teen gets angry about his phone missing and lashes out. For him it's a big deal -- why did this happen, someone has to be responsible. It may not be a mature response, but you can't assume it's learned communication from our house.

communication methods are learned.

For example, "YOU" statements are learned, if your family uses the word "you" a lot, it is learned to talk that way. Count how many times you use you. if it is often, you may want to read bout you statements.

You didn't take out the trash. vs Please take out the trash

It's not psycho-babble ... communication is learned in business school, journalism, public relations, consulting... not in psychology class . Communication methodology is very important part of dealing with people and getting buy in.

[Anonymous]

I have an ADHD DS too, and agree it's a challenge. (Now in HS at TJ-- which just adds to the challenge). We try hard to deal in logical consequences. If you lost your iPhone, you lost your iPhone. ADHD is irrelevant. Excuses are irrelevant. It's gone, and now you have no phone until you save the money to buy a new one. You forget to turn in homework, you now have to work it out with your teacher. Your grades drop too much, and we assume your electronics are too much of distraction, and you lose them until your grades come up.

Now, we do not just assume he can manage his ADHD. without help. We put a lot of time, money and energy into supporting him. He is medicated, has a 504, works with a psychologist on mindfulness and has an executive functioning coach to help him organize and manage a large schoolwork load. But, he is headed to college in a few years and eventually the work world. We realize that we are hurting him in the long run by letting him think that screwing up has no consequences because he has ADHD. That's not the way the world works. He needs to learn to take responsibility, and develop strategies to cope now, while we are here to help.

Good luck. It's tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blaming is learned form of communication. You need to stop using that form of communication. It is passive aggressive.

Stop using blaming in your house.

Do you say to your H, "we don't have eggs" or do you say "you forgot to get the eggs"

You need to learn to communicate in your house without blaming. You son has learned that somebody has to be blamed.

The phone is lost... why to do you have to blame somebody for it being lost.>>

I think this is kind of pyschobabble. I teen gets angry about his phone missing and lashes out. For him it's a big deal -- why did this happen, someone has to be responsible. It may not be a mature response, but you can't assume it's learned communication from our house.

communication methods are learned.

For example, "YOU" statements are learned, if your family uses the word "you" a lot, it is learned to talk that way. Count how many times you use you. if it is often, you may want to read bout you statements.

You didn't take out the trash. vs Please take out the trash

It's not psycho-babble ... communication is learned in business school, journalism, public relations, consulting... not in psychology class . Communication methodology is very important part of dealing with people and getting buy in.

12:44 here. I can assure you that we do not assign blame in our house. Yet, like the OP's DS, my DS blames everyone else for whatever he's lost, what he's annoyed by, what he's frustrated by....pretty much every one but himself.

And, saying 'you didn't take out the trash' isn't a blame statement. In our house, it's a fact, a statement. As in, 'You were to take out the trash before playing on your phone. You didn't take out the trash. You cannot play on your phone until you take out the trash.'

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can address the blaming problem until he has better supports in place for ADHD. That's a response to him feeling out of control when things go bad. I also think that when he has better control over his stuff and time, he will be much more able to understand the blame/cause/effect relationship. Deal with the big problem first and see how much of the little problem resolves as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blaming is learned form of communication. You need to stop using that form of communication. It is passive aggressive.

Stop using blaming in your house.

Do you say to your H, "we don't have eggs" or do you say "you forgot to get the eggs"

You need to learn to communicate in your house without blaming. You son has learned that somebody has to be blamed.

The phone is lost... why to do you have to blame somebody for it being lost.>>

I think this is kind of pyschobabble. I teen gets angry about his phone missing and lashes out. For him it's a big deal -- why did this happen, someone has to be responsible. It may not be a mature response, but you can't assume it's learned communication from our house.

communication methods are learned.

For example, "YOU" statements are learned, if your family uses the word "you" a lot, it is learned to talk that way. Count how many times you use you. if it is often, you may want to read bout you statements.

You didn't take out the trash. vs Please take out the trash

It's not psycho-babble ... communication is learned in business school, journalism, public relations, consulting... not in psychology class . Communication methodology is very important part of dealing with people and getting buy in.

12:44 here. I can assure you that we do not assign blame in our house. Yet, like the OP's DS, my DS blames everyone else for whatever he's lost, what he's annoyed by, what he's frustrated by....pretty much every one but himself.

And, saying 'you didn't take out the trash' isn't a blame statement. In our house, it's a fact, a statement. As in, 'You were to take out the trash before playing on your phone. You didn't take out the trash. You cannot play on your phone until you take out the trash.'

Funny... I want my child to change but I am not willing to change... ADHD is not the only issue in your family.

Read this... Either accept you are part of the problem or accept the issues won't change until you do.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cui-bono/201211/are-i-statements-better-you-statements