Accepting responsibility...ADHD or just ``bratty''
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Anonymous
| Don't let his disability excuse bad behavior but don't let him drag you into a power struggle either. Try to respond with humor, consequences and a minimum of words. |
Anonymous
My husband is 50, medicated for ADD. Same problem as OP's child  must be brain chemistry
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Anonymous
Did you even read that article? It doesn't support your argument and isn't even applicable in the situation I described. I am not blaming my DS for my feelings or anything else. He can choose to take out the trash or not. I have no feelings about the trash or his use of his cell phone. But the use of one is contingent upon the other. If you don't understand the need for him to learn to complete his work before he plays, I can't help you. I work to remove emotion from these encounters - which is key to interacting with crazy teenagers. That required a lot of change on my and my DH' part, Removing emotion and being calm during interactions was one of the the things our family counselor recommended - our counselor who is a big EFT proponent but also knows you have to have more than 1 tool in your tool box (she's also studied Gottman extensively). |
Anonymous
OP if it gives you ANY comfort, you are not alone. For my 8th grade DS time management isn't too much of an issue and he is really good about not losing his things. That said, he did start the blame-game last year and it is aggravating. Everything EVERYTHING is someone else's fault. If he talks out in class, he blames it on some random student  If he touches another student, its that student's fault etc. I remind him that blaming another student is going to make it difficult for him to make and keep friends.
Last Friday I had had enough of the BS of blaming others and took all electronics away from him. He spent the whole weekend without a phone or his laptop - which was very hard for him. We ended up spending good family time together. Watched a few educational programs, ran errands together etc. He earned his stuff back yesterday by proving to us that he could improve on those behaviors. He knows that if he/when he repeats those same behaviors again then I just take all his stuff away again. I don't know if my tactic will work in the long run, but when you have kids like ours you're left with throwing spaghetti at the wall, and seeing what sticks! |
Anonymous
I must have missed something. what is EFT? and who is Gottman? |
Anonymous
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Here is a link that actually works.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message |
Anonymous
12:44 here. Gottman is one of the people quoted in the "I Statement" poster's link to blog in Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cui-bono/201211/are-i-statements-better-you-statements . EFT = Emotionally Focused Therapy https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotionally_focused_therapy John Gottman is a psychologist/researcher who has studied marital relationships extensively. We found his discussion of The Four Horsemen insightful and helpful https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ . The gist is that communication style is a huge predictor of relationship failure (marital or other). "I" statements certainly play a huge part in relationship success and Gottman encourages them. But not everything needs (or should) be reduced to an "I" statement - as in my example with the trash. Now, if I were upset that my DS didn't take out the trash and I wanted to communicate to him what I was feeling or it's impact on me, an "I" statement is appropriate. But, I have no feelings about him taking out the trash. He just can't play on his phone until it's done. DS is making a choice by not taking out the trash. Choices have consequences. He can (and does) blame me but his blame does not engender any emotions on my part. That's one of the lessons in Yes, Your Teen IS Crazy. Also, one of the problems with "I" statements is that it can cause guilt in the listener. Although my teen seemingly doesn't care about my feelings, in quiet moments, he can feel extremely guilty and shameful. That can rebound in a horrible way. |
Anonymous
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Op,
Your attitude suggests you understand a bare minimum of adhd. It would help your family if you would learn a bit more about it. This article might help you understand your dc a bit more. https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/a-child-with-adhd-and-a-habit-of-lying-doesnt-need-to-be-punished-she-needs-compassion/2016/02/23/6554ea1e-d710-11e5-be55-2cc3c1e4b76b_story.html |
Anonymous
| I can't get the WP link to open because I've used my free articles for this month, but I generally don't think much of the WP "On parenting" blog. The advice is always really facile. I disagree with you that OP's post suggests a bare minimum knowledge of ADHD. I posted earlier, as a person with ADHD and a mom of children with ADHD. It's understandable that a disorder may make things more difficult for you than for others, but it's unacceptable to blame others. And taking that approach will only make you unpopular and unsuccessful. Like everything else with ADHD, the child needs appropriate guidance and scaffolding to learn the skill of accepting responsibility, and also to learn the skills necessary to avoid losing the phone or whatever else the problem is. |