Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?

[Anonymous]

No. Early 40s.

If he did it would be to have a beer or two with a guy friend and he’d be home by 11. We just aren’t big partiers anymore with jobs and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. i appreciate the range of responses. I intentionally tried to frame the question neutrally just to see what is "normal."

I wrote the post at 3am. DH had left the house at 830pm to grab a drink with a bachelor friend. at 3am he was still not in bed. i called him and he said he was on his way home. obviously drunk. he thinks this behavior doesn't cost us anything b/c it happens when kids and i are asleep, but when your coparent is hungover and short on sleep, everyone loses.

He has big nights like this pretty regularly over the years (minus covid). i hate it and really try hard to just stifle it so as not to be that shrew wife who doesn't want her DH to have fun.

5 years ago i learned that he was meeting up with a young woman on some of these nights out. he maintains it was an emotional and not physical relationship. but who cares. it hurt so much. for awhile he didn't go out on these late nights without me. but slowly it resumed again. so there i was last night at 3am writing the original post.

This morning, as he lies in bed and i get up to walk the dogs, i see his phone in the bathroom, i turn it over to see the home screen and he has an alert that "Jill" has texted him. Jill is a woman he was having lunches (just lunch?) with in the spring and texting until i found out and he deleted all text history with her and we went back to counseling. Jill is attractive and unmarried of course. So this text from Jill this morning just said "sorry I went to bed early last night." there was no preceeding text from DH b/c he had taken the time to delete it. but clearly he must have invited her out, or tried to invite himself over?

Please dont rush in with all the "you must leave him now. what an ass. divorce!" stuff. this is all so much more complex and difficult when you're the one in it. i appreciate the validation that this is not "normal" behavior, that i do not need to accept this. I could use the affirmation that i am not a shrew or crazy (DH has not called me these things anyway) and it is not too much to want or expect a husband who does not get drunk til 3am or text other women and then delete it.

So my DH does the same thing (goes out, stays out late, gets drunk) every few months and it’s kind of annoying but I like his friends and he rarely has time for social stuff so I’m glad he gets to spend the odd night out with them. I would feel completely differently if there was any indication that he was cheating or forming relationships with other women.

Pp here who has no problem with DH going out. If there were a hint of meeting women, he would definitely not be going out anymore.

[Anonymous]

Many years ago he staggered or was carried back to our home after his bachelor party reeking of tequila and cigar smoke. I had to help him take a shower. Since then his bar nights have been very limited and I’m fine with it. He’s never been a frat boy type and guys nights are not his thing nor are girl nights for me. With two careers and three kids neither of us have time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. i appreciate the range of responses. I intentionally tried to frame the question neutrally just to see what is "normal."

I wrote the post at 3am. DH had left the house at 830pm to grab a drink with a bachelor friend. at 3am he was still not in bed. i called him and he said he was on his way home. obviously drunk. he thinks this behavior doesn't cost us anything b/c it happens when kids and i are asleep, but when your coparent is hungover and short on sleep, everyone loses.

He has big nights like this pretty regularly over the years (minus covid). i hate it and really try hard to just stifle it so as not to be that shrew wife who doesn't want her DH to have fun.

5 years ago i learned that he was meeting up with a young woman on some of these nights out. he maintains it was an emotional and not physical relationship. but who cares. it hurt so much. for awhile he didn't go out on these late nights without me. but slowly it resumed again. so there i was last night at 3am writing the original post.

This morning, as he lies in bed and i get up to walk the dogs, i see his phone in the bathroom, i turn it over to see the home screen and he has an alert that "Jill" has texted him. Jill is a woman he was having lunches (just lunch?) with in the spring and texting until i found out and he deleted all text history with her and we went back to counseling. Jill is attractive and unmarried of course. So this text from Jill this morning just said "sorry I went to bed early last night." there was no preceeding text from DH b/c he had taken the time to delete it. but clearly he must have invited her out, or tried to invite himself over?

Please dont rush in with all the "you must leave him now. what an ass. divorce!" stuff. this is all so much more complex and difficult when you're the one in it. i appreciate the validation that this is not "normal" behavior, that i do not need to accept this. I could use the affirmation that i am not a shrew or crazy (DH has not called me these things anyway) and it is not too much to want or expect a husband who does not get drunk til 3am or text other women and then delete it.

I lived like this for YEARS. There were SO many nights I was up at 3:00 wondering what was “normal.” I started asking friends and even acquaintances the same questions you are asking - does your husband go out/how late/how often etc.
I never knew for sure if he was cheating. But he was never home. And he refused to come home earlier or go out less often. We had 3 little children.
When I eventually told him I wanted to separate, he “couldn’t believe” that I wanted to “destroy our perfect relationship.”
OP, I get that you want to keep your marriage and family intact - we all do. Can you accept that your husband’s behavior is unlikely to change? He is almost certainly cheating, he is seeking out other partners. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t respect your marriage. Are you okay with this? Have you had any individual counseling? It is most definitely NOT too much to want a husband who doesn’t get drunk until 3 a.m. or text other women! But that’s not what you have. I am so sorry OP. I feel your pain and it completely sucks.

[Anonymous]

You are not a shrew or a nag for wanting to have your spouse with you and not wanting your spouse to be a cheater as your husband was and will be.

I know you said dcum divorce advice is not realistic and that may be for a DH that parties a bunch or goes out to drinks a lot. But…3 years from now can I ask where you think you’ll be? 1 year? 8 years? I think you know. He’s cheated once and is talking to single women while out. He will do it again. He’s not out partying he’s out cheating and flirting be real with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Think of your health, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.

He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.

Where is this gated community? I’ve never heard of one that has bars inside the community. Is it a very large community?

South Carolina. Not very big.

So many things are more sinister in South Carolina but especially a gated community. And yes I was born there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.

He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.

Where is this gated community? I’ve never heard of one that has bars inside the community. Is it a very large community?

South Carolina. Not very big.

So many things are more sinister in South Carolina but especially a gated community. And yes I was born there.

They are all a little different. What is sinister about ours that I am no aware of?

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the PPs whose husband goes out regularly. On the one hand, there are often single women from work or a hobby group there. On the other hand, I would ask about a text like that. It doesn’t sound like anything happened, and it could be just like they were texting her to come out and she didn’t? Some people are like the “cruise director” of a group like that.
I dunno, we all need to relax and flirting can be fun and healing. I like to do it too! And just platonic social interaction not about kids - I get this from art class but I can see how a bar would work too. But I know where the line is and I feel like my husband does too. I think you probably just need to trust your gut about whether he is cheating because trying to control it via what time he gets home or whatever is not what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.

He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.

Where is this gated community? I’ve never heard of one that has bars inside the community. Is it a very large community?

South Carolina. Not very big.

So many things are more sinister in South Carolina but especially a gated community. And yes I was born there.

They are all a little different. What is sinister about ours that I am no aware of?

Just the vibe and the need to keep people out.

[Anonymous]

How did you see the message if the phone was locked? Mine doesn’t show the message. It just shows the alert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you see the message if the phone was locked? Mine doesn’t show the message. It just shows the alert.

To say, if you could unlock the phone and he had deleted the previous messages, it’s probably not good.

[Anonymous]

It’s been said before, and we can say it again here. If you want to know if your SO is cheating, observe his phone use. Ask to use his phone to look something up or to make a call. Look at what apps he has on the phone. Also, observe any changes in hygiene - new clothes or haircut? Any other changes in his schedule or how he spends his time? (The bar is a red flag on this point.) Emotionally, how is he interacting with you. Still warm and loving, or being more distant? Look at credit card statements and see if there are any unusual purchases, including large unexplained purchases at stores that sell gift cards. Because we’ve learned from these DCUM threads that cheaters love to pay for affair expenses using prepaid gift cards. Aren’t they a clever bunch. But you can be just as clever and figure this out by being objective and looking at whatever facts are in front of you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for some validating messages above.

I saw the alert on the home screen so I unlocked the phone. It was just a message from Jill saying she had gone to bed early. He had deleted his own message to her, presumably inviting her out (at best).

I checked the visa bill. He went to a "gentleman's club" . (He confirmed when I asked by text.) I have never ever known him to go to such places. Dont understand why he is being so destructive to our marriage.

He is contrite but I am appalled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for some validating messages above.

I saw the alert on the home screen so I unlocked the phone. It was just a message from Jill saying she had gone to bed early. He had deleted his own message to her, presumably inviting her out (at best).

I checked the visa bill. He went to a "gentleman's club" . (He confirmed when I asked by text.) I have never ever known him to go to such places. Dont understand why he is being so destructive to our marriage.

He is contrite but I am appalled.

I actually feel like a strip club is not a good place to meet your affair partner so maybe he was just blowing off steam. But maybe I am more permissive because I wouldn’t have a problem with my husband going to see strippers if he was reasonably confident they were in an okay employment situation.