Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?

[Anonymous]

How old/how long have you been married OP?

I never got tangled up with other women or anything like that, but it took me a few years to shake my bachelor habits. I had a lot of fun staying out drinking in my 20s. When I got married, I still felt like I should be able to do that. When we had kids, I knew we didn't have the flexibility for that kind of thing, but I still found myself having a bigger night than I should have every once in a blue moon. Now I'm 50, we've been married 20 years, the kids are teens, and I basically never stay out past midnight or have more than 6 beers. (Like once every two years when I hang out with one of my college roommates).

[Anonymous]

Yes. We are both 32 and have young kids. He goes out maybe once every couple of months with friends and comes home after bars close (usually around 2-3am). Doesn’t bother me at all. I put the kids to bed early and enjoy the time alone; usually get takeout, do a face mask, and watch Netflix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.

He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.

Omg this is the most depressing thing I’ve read in a while.

What is depressing about it?

Np. This sounds great. People hate this kind of thing because they think it is uncultured but, honestly, letting go of being ‘hip’ and enjoying sunset drinks at the pool with neighborhood friends sounds wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. i appreciate the range of responses. I intentionally tried to frame the question neutrally just to see what is "normal."

I wrote the post at 3am. DH had left the house at 830pm to grab a drink with a bachelor friend. at 3am he was still not in bed. i called him and he said he was on his way home. obviously drunk. he thinks this behavior doesn't cost us anything b/c it happens when kids and i are asleep, but when your coparent is hungover and short on sleep, everyone loses.

He has big nights like this pretty regularly over the years (minus covid). i hate it and really try hard to just stifle it so as not to be that shrew wife who doesn't want her DH to have fun.

5 years ago i learned that he was meeting up with a young woman on some of these nights out. he maintains it was an emotional and not physical relationship. but who cares. it hurt so much. for awhile he didn't go out on these late nights without me. but slowly it resumed again. so there i was last night at 3am writing the original post.

This morning, as he lies in bed and i get up to walk the dogs, i see his phone in the bathroom, i turn it over to see the home screen and he has an alert that "Jill" has texted him. Jill is a woman he was having lunches (just lunch?) with in the spring and texting until i found out and he deleted all text history with her and we went back to counseling. Jill is attractive and unmarried of course. So this text from Jill this morning just said "sorry I went to bed early last night." there was no preceeding text from DH b/c he had taken the time to delete it. but clearly he must have invited her out, or tried to invite himself over?

Please dont rush in with all the "you must leave him now. what an ass. divorce!" stuff. this is all so much more complex and difficult when you're the one in it. i appreciate the validation that this is not "normal" behavior, that i do not need to accept this. I could use the affirmation that i am not a shrew or crazy (DH has not called me these things anyway) and it is not too much to want or expect a husband who does not get drunk til 3am or text other women and then delete it.

So my DH does the same thing (goes out, stays out late, gets drunk) every few months and it’s kind of annoying but I like his friends and he rarely has time for social stuff so I’m glad he gets to spend the odd night out with them. I would feel completely differently if there was any indication that he was cheating or forming relationships with other women.

[Anonymous]

Pre-covid, he was in a Thursday night men's basketball league and every month or so they would go out and get drinks afterwards. Nothing too crazy though--most had to work the next day. He's goes to one or two UVA (where he went to college) basketball or football games every year with his college buddies and I'm sure they go to a bar afterwards. He traveled a few times a year for work and they probably went out after work. But that's about it. I honestly can't remember the last time I saw him drunk.

[Anonymous]

Pre-pandemic, DH would go out to business dinner 2-3 times per month and stay out late. With some clients who liked to drink, he came home tipsy. About once per month he would go to a bar with a guy friend or friends. He has definitely come home tipsy and much later than I expected from those nights (by several hours).

I usually went out with my girl friends, but not often to bars since my friends drink a lot so it was less expensive for someone to host and then everyone brings a bottle. I am not a big drinker, so usually just have 1 or 2 glasses, but have occasionally come home tipsy.

During normal times, DH and I both regularly travel for work. I trust him to travel, and I definitely trust him to go out with guy friends. My only pushback on his nights out is that he still has to get up and help with the kids the next day - if he has a hangover or didn’t get enough sleep, that’s his problem. Same for me.

[Anonymous]

Before we had children he might have done it once or twice a month when I was traveling on business otherwise his dinner might have been just about nothing. Post children he never did it unless it was business related. He use to turn down Super Bowl tickets because he did not want to be away from us on weekends. His priorities have always been exemplar.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I'm sorry. You are definitely not crazy or being a shrew. You've got yourself a serial cheater. For me, that would mean divorce, but it doesn't for everyone and I can understand that it's not black and white. I will admit that I cynically sometimes think that dealing with this behavior is the price of being married to someone who is actually sexy (to me, since I like macho hot muscular guys with swagger). I can't think of any men I have found sexy who don't cheat -- and I think that speaks to the truism that men are as faithful as their opportunities, rather than me having a bad picker. (Cue women saying their man is hot and doesn't cheat. Save it, since you can't prove either one on an anonymous forum!) But, yes, your DH is the type who will never consider others off limits, and he most definitely isn't stopping at an emotional affair. You are not crazy. And I'm sorry. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

wow, the range of responses here is quite illuminating.. my husband goes out 3/4 times a week (9:30 to midnight or so), mostly comes back tipsy or drunk but if I even raise an eyebrow he says I'm being controlling, he's bored (I go to bed early), etc.

By comparison, I go out to dinner with a friend or two about once every 3-4 months.

[Anonymous]

Never. That’s not who we are. Married 33 years.

[Anonymous]

I (DH) do it 1-2x a month. Sometimes we meet at someone's backyard and everyone brings drinks, or other times we'll hit a few bars. Usually get home between midnight and 2 (bars close at 2). It's fun to catch up with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.

He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.

Where is this gated community? I’ve never heard of one that has bars inside the community. Is it a very large community?

South Carolina. Not very big.

Is it an over 55 community? I’m kind of intrigued by this concept. Any links to similar communities?

[Anonymous]

Rarely! During the week he is all about work and family and both are pretty good at wearing him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a gated community and have a couple of bars in the community. Occasionally we will go to weekly happy hour. DH will go to bar after a round of golf, we will go to pool bar for an early afternoon or sunset cocktail with friends.

He goes to a lot of meeting at hotel or restaurant bars.

Where is this gated community? I’ve never heard of one that has bars inside the community. Is it a very large community?

South Carolina. Not very big.

Is it an over 55 community? I’m kind of intrigued by this concept. Any links to similar communities?

No we are late 30s.

There are several communities like this in Hilton Head, which is where we are.

[Anonymous]

Even pre kids he didn’t as he was very career focused and worked pretty long hours. After we had kids we were both working and he never did it unless it was business related and that was rare.