Reply to Does your DH go "out" to bars? What does that look like?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. i appreciate the range of responses. I intentionally tried to frame the question neutrally just to see what is "normal."

I wrote the post at 3am. DH had left the house at 830pm to grab a drink with a bachelor friend. at 3am he was still not in bed. i called him and he said he was on his way home. obviously drunk. he thinks this behavior doesn't cost us anything b/c it happens when kids and i are asleep, but when your coparent is hungover and short on sleep, everyone loses.

He has big nights like this pretty regularly over the years (minus covid). i hate it and really try hard to just stifle it so as not to be that shrew wife who doesn't want her DH to have fun.

5 years ago i learned that he was meeting up with a young woman on some of these nights out. he maintains it was an emotional and not physical relationship. but who cares. it hurt so much. for awhile he didn't go out on these late nights without me. but slowly it resumed again. so there i was last night at 3am writing the original post.

This morning, as he lies in bed and i get up to walk the dogs, i see his phone in the bathroom, i turn it over to see the home screen and he has an alert that "Jill" has texted him. Jill is a woman he was having lunches (just lunch?) with in the spring and texting until i found out and he deleted all text history with her and we went back to counseling. Jill is attractive and unmarried of course. So this text from Jill this morning just said "sorry I went to bed early last night." there was no preceeding text from DH b/c he had taken the time to delete it. but clearly he must have invited her out, or tried to invite himself over?

Please dont rush in with all the "you must leave him now. what an ass. divorce!" stuff. this is all so much more complex and difficult when you're the one in it. i appreciate the validation that this is not "normal" behavior, that i do not need to accept this. I could use the affirmation that i am not a shrew or crazy (DH has not called me these things anyway) and it is not too much to want or expect a husband who does not get drunk til 3am or text other women and then delete it.[/quote]

I lived like this for YEARS. There were SO many nights I was up at 3:00 wondering what was “normal.”  I started asking friends and even acquaintances the same questions you are asking - does your husband go out/how late/how often etc. 
 I never knew for sure if he was cheating. But he was never home. And he refused to come home earlier or go out less often.  We had 3 little children. 
When I eventually told him I wanted to separate, he “couldn’t believe” that I wanted to “destroy our perfect relationship.”  
OP, I get that you want to keep your marriage and family intact - we all do. Can you accept that your husband’s behavior is unlikely to change? He is almost certainly cheating, he is seeking out other partners. He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t respect your marriage. Are you okay with this? Have you had any individual counseling?  It is most definitely NOT too much to want a husband who doesn’t get drunk until 3 a.m. or text other women! But that’s not what you have. I am so sorry OP. I feel your pain and it completely sucks. 
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