Family drama over dog

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a serious allergy issue or one manageable on medication? Is your husband on board with no dog? What would the longer term issues be - ie, would the residue be gone with them or linger for days or weeks? What are the long term ramifications with your in laws.

I can see their point about fairness and I can totally get not wanting to be inconvenienced. It’s a balancing act.

In the era of COVID my son would present with COVID symptoms (sniffling, sneezing, watery eyes, etc). His allergies are manageable enough with medication.

Our concerns are beyond allergeries:
1) our blind dog can get aggressive now that he can't see anything. They have fought in the past and I'm assuming they will fight in the future.
2) we can't leave the dog alone, ever (according to them). So one of the inlaws will always stay behind and not come to dinner.
3) allergies and / or damage to the house. The dog is super wild. Needs a huge yard. We have a small, unfenced yard.
4) my MIL is part of the issue - she doesn't know how to handle the dog properly. Like she allows him to jump on people type of stuff.

Husband is on board with no dog and upset his parents are asking.

This is the first time the in laws threw a fit over the issue so no idea what the implications are. In the immediate term, they said they weren't coming to see us.

OP, this isn't about the dog at all. You see that, right? This is really about the fact that you don't like your MIL and your inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a serious allergy issue or one manageable on medication? Is your husband on board with no dog? What would the longer term issues be - ie, would the residue be gone with them or linger for days or weeks? What are the long term ramifications with your in laws.

I can see their point about fairness and I can totally get not wanting to be inconvenienced. It’s a balancing act.

In the era of COVID my son would present with COVID symptoms (sniffling, sneezing, watery eyes, etc). His allergies are manageable enough with medication.

Our concerns are beyond allergeries:
1) our blind dog can get aggressive now that he can't see anything. They have fought in the past and I'm assuming they will fight in the future.
2) we can't leave the dog alone, ever (according to them). So one of the inlaws will always stay behind and not come to dinner.
3) allergies and / or damage to the house. The dog is super wild. Needs a huge yard. We have a small, unfenced yard.
4) my MIL is part of the issue - she doesn't know how to handle the dog properly. Like she allows him to jump on people type of stuff.

Husband is on board with no dog and upset his parents are asking.

This is the first time the in laws threw a fit over the issue so no idea what the implications are. In the immediate term, they said they weren't coming to see us.

OP, this isn't about the dog at all. You see that, right? This is really about the fact that you don't like your MIL and your inlaws.

Well, first, you're probably wrong. All the points OP made above are perfectly viable ones. Second, if OP doesn't like her ILs because this is the whiny, entitled way they behave, who can blame her? I'm with you, OP. No dog. They are without question the rude freaks in this scenario. Glad your DH is on board with you, good for him (and sorry his family is being so ridiculous).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford to pay for a sitter or kennel?

This.

I'm the biggest baby when it comes to my dog. And hated the idea of boarding my dog. Ever. But I found such a fantastic place. I board him now 4-5 times a year and it's awesome. Find that for this dog. Pay for it if you have to.

I'm sorry but why does OP have to pay for the kennel? How is this dog her financial burden? The MIL should be a responsible dog owner and pay for her own pet. Ridiculous.

And OP, I would absolutely say no to that. We welcome guests into our home all the time. And no, they cannot bring their dogs. If they must travel with dogs, why don't they arrange for their own lodging?

Husband can pay out of his discretionary budget. If they do that. It's called compromise to keep the peace long-term with family.

[Anonymous]

I do not understand visiting anyone with your pets. Get a pet sitter.

[Anonymous]

NO WAY.

If you say yes this time that will be taken as a yes for all of time.

Your husband needs to handle this. The easy way is to stonewall with "hosting your dogs isn't something we can do" over and over. Or you go with "we have really limited circumstances under which we can have a dog. we can't have any more at the house."

A puppy/rescue that needs training is a commitment. It's why we don't have a dog even though we all wanted to - we can't make the commitment at this time and don't have family that would be open to hosting a dog if we traveled.

This is not your problem, OP. Stand firm.

[Anonymous]

No, no no. I understand not wanting to leave a high strung puppy at home but I would never impose my dog on anyone else. It’s very hard to get dander and dog hair out of a house. It takes cleaning on your hands and knees. Double coated dogs shed a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was allergic to animals growing up and there is no way my parents would allow something I’m allergic to in the house. The dander gets everywhere so the affects are lingering.

Same here - asthmatic allergic to everything - and yet my parents insisted on having pets. I spent my entire childhood allergic. They now let my siblings bring their dogs for Christmas, etc.

It's really upsetting to me that pets were and are prioritized over my allergies and asthma.

And you are right - pet dander lingers. It just does. It can take months to clear out and clean. It's not a matter of your kid being miserable for a few days.

Say no.

[Anonymous]

How is this a fairness issue? Do you take your dog to their house?

Regardless, NO to their dog coming.

[Anonymous]

The only thing you can do is say no to the dog. You can’t dictate what the ILs do. It’s their choice to stay home to be with their dog, stay in a hotel, etc. All you have to do is say no to have the dog at their house. Let them figure out the rest. Maybe if they see how much they miss out on by insisting on bringing the dog, they will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you can do is say no to the dog. You can’t dictate what the ILs do. It’s their choice to stay home to be with their dog, stay in a hotel, etc. All you have to do is say no to have the dog at their house. Let them figure out the rest. Maybe if they see how much they miss out on by insisting on bringing the dog, they will change.

I meant say no to having the dog at your house.

[Anonymous]

Not in your house but you aren’t even willing to literally meet them half way. At that point you are being difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a serious allergy issue or one manageable on medication? Is your husband on board with no dog? What would the longer term issues be - ie, would the residue be gone with them or linger for days or weeks? What are the long term ramifications with your in laws.

I can see their point about fairness and I can totally get not wanting to be inconvenienced. It’s a balancing act.

This is batsh!t crazy. OP's son has to take two medications when he visits his grandparents house, for the duration of the visit, but then he goes home. Here, the grandparents want to introduce the allergens into his house. That's absurd.

OP, stick to your guns, and no dogs. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's up is that your older in-laws, whose children are all out of the nest, have invested everything into dogs and will not leave the dog alone or board the dog.

My in-laws are exactly the same. The dog is everything to them. It's infuriating, but it's what they have.

They are never going to board the dog, and even if the dog is perfectly behaved (it never will be) they will never leave it alone. this is your life now.

I hate it SO MUCH.

THIS. The dog is their new project. Just have one come see you at a time. You have to accept that to them it’s their new family member. I wouldn’t let that dog in the house under any circumstance though.

[Anonymous]

My parents are kind of like this with their dog, except that it would be basically impossible for them to bring it to visit us due to the distance, but instead, they usually use it as a reason why they cannot visit us.

I think you just need to be firm but compassionate and also offer some possible alternatives. They could come visit with the dog but stay somewhere else. Or they could come without the dog. Your reasons for not wanting the dog to be in your house are good and consistent, and I think you can make those clear without being unreasonable at all.

I do think you are somewhat irritated with your in-laws and some of this is creeping into that territory. The issue of the dog shedding and causing long-term allergy issues even after they leave makes sense and is about your family (which you can control and should have a say over). Same with the issue of your kid presenting with COVID symptoms, and the dog potentially breaking things (although you might want to leave that out because it might upset them). The issue about them not wanting to go out to dinner because someone needs to stay with the dog is just on them and really not something for you to bother with because if they want to stay home, fine.

[Anonymous]

I'm allergic to dogs and have a hypoallergenic dog that is 95% fine - I still need allergy meds, but I think it's more b/c she brings in pollen and maybe other dander from the dog park on her fur. Do not let the other dog in your house. I can go to someone's house where they have had the dog away from that room or don't let the dog in the room or whatever and I get really sick. Somehow dog dander really seems to linger, so unless you can keep the dog in a garage or something don't allow it. My mom was allergic enough that if someone had been around a cat and had their dander on their clothes, she would get really, really sick. Don't bring allergans into your house like this