Is it ever "too soon" to date once you are a window/widower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend in middle school’s mom died of cancer, and her dad began dating within a few months. It really messed her up, she used to come over to our house in the middle of the night hysterical and sobbing because her dad was having sex with women in their home so soon after her mom died.

I don’t think she ever recovered from it. She was severely depressed all throughout high school and cut herself badly. She had horrible self-esteem and never really dated or got married. I can’t blame her, after seeing how quickly her dad moved on and basically forgot her and her mom.

I personally wouldn’t date a widower until it had been at least 3 years. I know they need to move on, but it’s not my responsibility to help them by dating them. I would want to see them grieve and process the death long before we dated.

I’m so sorry for your friend, she should have gotten grief counselling early on, and I hope she has now.

It’s not about her dad dating, it was about her grieving her mom and the change in life as a whole.

Here’s the thing… her dad had probably done a lot of his grieving while he had a wife with cancer. His error was not dating “too soon” but rather seeking out the appropriate help for his children.

His error was specifically "dating too soon". If he wasnt' having sex in his kids' house, they would not probably need that much therapy, and would not be so deeply traumatized. It's outright disgusting

I don't think there is any age when it wouldn't be horrifying to hear your parent having sex with someone in your house. I think the error wasn't dating too soon but having egregiously poor judgment as to his sex life. Get a hotel, go to her place, be QUIET at least - but don't force your children to participate in your sex life like that, no matter the circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who restarted this thread. The widower has no children, nor do I. I think the fact that we had a previous serious relationship is why things are escalating quickly with him. I just want to be respectful of his need to grieve and I am not sure he even realizes what he needs with regards to that. He has not gone into details about what happened but I get the impression it was very sudden.

My SIL started dating about a year after my BIL died suddenly (no kids). She thought she was ready, and was emotionally needed a relationship. The relationship didn't last because she really hadn't processed everything and wasn't over BIL. Her relationship ended after her fiancé felt he was second fiddle to BIL's memory, and always would be. I'm sure he was, but it took her a few years to see that. They never married, but do have a daughter together.

The grief process is full of ups and downs. So just be mindful of that.

Yes, he has good days and then very bad ones. I roll with it for now but I do see that he is getting involved with the wife's family and friends more as this goes on. It seems that they are all grieving together.

Don't you think you deserve better than that?

Yes, but this is still very recent and that's why I asked the question. I have never dated a widower and probably wouldn't if it was anyone else. The issue I see emerging is that he is financially supporting some of the family members, so I don't see how he will ever be moved on from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm open to dating after only 4 weeks. I don't care what others think. For a lot of us, we had to say goodbye to the life we had with our dying spouse a long time before they actually passed. No one has any right to decide for another what is appropriate.

You had time to say goodbye, but you are not the sole loved one of your deceased spouse. Yes, it’s true they don’t have the right to make decisions for you, but yes a parent or sibling or best friend of the deceased is entitled to their feelings if you have leftovers in your fridge that have been around longer than your spouse has been in the ground. Not saying they would be justified in sharing those feelings with you or trying to stop you from living your life, but yeah. You aren’t the only one who lost someone.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t judge someone for dating “too soon” but I would not date someone who had lost a spouse recently. If they’ve had time to process their grief and move on in a way that is healthy for them and their family they will still be around to date in a year or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t judge someone for dating “too soon” but I would not date someone who had lost a spouse recently. If they’ve had time to process their grief and move on in a way that is healthy for them and their family they will still be around to date in a year or two.

+1 Even if the deceased spouse had been ill and the surviving spouse had time to process the impending death, I believe they still need to adjust to the actual reality of their life after the death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who restarted this thread. The widower has no children, nor do I. I think the fact that we had a previous serious relationship is why things are escalating quickly with him. I just want to be respectful of his need to grieve and I am not sure he even realizes what he needs with regards to that. He has not gone into details about what happened but I get the impression it was very sudden.

My SIL started dating about a year after my BIL died suddenly (no kids). She thought she was ready, and was emotionally needed a relationship. The relationship didn't last because she really hadn't processed everything and wasn't over BIL. Her relationship ended after her fiancé felt he was second fiddle to BIL's memory, and always would be. I'm sure he was, but it took her a few years to see that. They never married, but do have a daughter together.

The grief process is full of ups and downs. So just be mindful of that.

Yes, he has good days and then very bad ones. I roll with it for now but I do see that he is getting involved with the wife's family and friends more as this goes on. It seems that they are all grieving together.

Don't you think you deserve better than that?

Yes, but this is still very recent and that's why I asked the question. I have never dated a widower and probably wouldn't if it was anyone else. The issue I see emerging is that he is financially supporting some of the family members, so I don't see how he will ever be moved on from them.

I don’t think they absolutely need to move on from their former in-laws. If you marry this man, you may need to accept his relationship with his former in-laws. I still have a relationship with my former SIL. My kids will always call her aunt for example. We pulled back to respect her new relationship, but then she immediately came back into our lives. It’s a long history not easily forgotten.

The financial support is a separate issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who restarted this thread. The widower has no children, nor do I. I think the fact that we had a previous serious relationship is why things are escalating quickly with him. I just want to be respectful of his need to grieve and I am not sure he even realizes what he needs with regards to that. He has not gone into details about what happened but I get the impression it was very sudden.

My SIL started dating about a year after my BIL died suddenly (no kids). She thought she was ready, and was emotionally needed a relationship. The relationship didn't last because she really hadn't processed everything and wasn't over BIL. Her relationship ended after her fiancé felt he was second fiddle to BIL's memory, and always would be. I'm sure he was, but it took her a few years to see that. They never married, but do have a daughter together.

The grief process is full of ups and downs. So just be mindful of that.

Yes, he has good days and then very bad ones. I roll with it for now but I do see that he is getting involved with the wife's family and friends more as this goes on. It seems that they are all grieving together.

Don't you think you deserve better than that?

Yes, but this is still very recent and that's why I asked the question. I have never dated a widower and probably wouldn't if it was anyone else. The issue I see emerging is that he is financially supporting some of the family members, so I don't see how he will ever be moved on from them.

I don’t think they absolutely need to move on from their former in-laws. If you marry this man, you may need to accept his relationship with his former in-laws. I still have a relationship with my former SIL. My kids will always call her aunt for example. We pulled back to respect her new relationship, but then she immediately came back into our lives. It’s a long history not easily forgotten.

The financial support is a separate issue.

PP, I do accept that he will always have those family ties. My concern is that the financial assistance is creating a dependency that shouldn't be there. He is in a unique position to help financially and I am fine with that but it's that it is ongoing that gives me pause. Also, the remaining family is needy and comes to him a lot just for support in general. He is naturally very good listener and counselor and gives a lot of his time to them too. In many ways I admire how he is honoring his wife by these actions but am concerned that he will stay enmeshed unnecessarily.

Since it's still very new situation, I am just observing and giving him space but trying to support him as best I can.

[Anonymous]

I am a widow 2 years in with young kids. I am a woman and am in various widow groups and have discussed this at length with many other widows/widowers. Just an observation, no judgement, but some people feel like they need a partner, and that’s natural I think. They get into new relationships ASAP. I’ve seen it work and I’ve seen it fail miserably. To each their own. For me, I am focusing on working on myself and not actively seeking out a relationship. I think it’s healthier to build a really solid foundation by myself with my kids and then add in someone only if it makes sense and it works within that really solid foundation I’ve made. I think some people add that person in without figuring out the rest first and it can get messy. But no judgments, there is no such thing as too soon let people try whatever they want.