Is it ever "too soon" to date once you are a window/widower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The day they die or the day of the funeral is probably too soon. To me 6 months to a year seems reasonable.

And also dependent on other factors such as if they have minor children and their own mental health.

I'm a bit biased though because I lost my dad a year ago and my mom started dating 4 months after his death. She also doesn't seem to get how uncomfortable her gushing over her " boyfriend" made us all. In her mind it's exactly how but was when my siblings and I started dating our now spouses. I use quotes because she doesn't want to call him her boyfriend that ad.its she's only dating him because she doesn't want to be alone. It's a mess.

As for the woman and question I would have kept it private until I was serious likely going to marry the guy.

Isn't dating in general the desire to connect with someone and not be alone?

Not in healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend in middle school’s mom died of cancer, and her dad began dating within a few months. It really messed her up, she used to come over to our house in the middle of the night hysterical and sobbing because her dad was having sex with women in their home so soon after her mom died.

I don’t think she ever recovered from it. She was severely depressed all throughout high school and cut herself badly. She had horrible self-esteem and never really dated or got married. I can’t blame her, after seeing how quickly her dad moved on and basically forgot her and her mom.

I personally wouldn’t date a widower until it had been at least 3 years. I know they need to move on, but it’s not my responsibility to help them by dating them. I would want to see them grieve and process the death long before we dated.

I don't see how any decent woman could be comfortable with this. Your poor friend!

[Anonymous]

If she wants more children, I don’t think she has much time to wait. I can’t imagine being a young widow and wish her luck.

[Anonymous]

I started dating almost immediately after the death of my spouse. I don't care what anyone thought about that, or maybe still thinks. It's my life and I was ready.

[Anonymous]

Depends. If the spouse that passed was sick and they had a discussion about wanting the other to find someone and move on and be happy that's one thing. If the spouse that passed died in a car accident or something and the widow(er) then starts dating within a month or so....totally different scenario.

[Anonymous]

Widow here. First- crushed by the loss of my husband - Next, crushed by the judgment of others (my parents, some friends, his teenage kids, my mother in law, my kids, his in-laws) when started dating “too soon” and Now, years later, crushed that I caved and walked away from that relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have minor children - you can definitely date too soon. Dating too soon means you're putting time, energy, and money into another person, when you should really be focusing on the family.

Dating always means this. But it also means you’re looking for a someone who will eventually join your family, and also that you may find companionship, love and attention that fill your bucket so you have more to give your family. It’s hard to live on memories alone.

[Anonymous]

I personally would not be openly dating around teenagers. I don't think 1 year would be enough time for me to heal. When I did date I would have the same policy as when I was a single Mom. I would not be introducing people to my family unless it was very serious. That person would have to measure up to my husband in term of how he treats me. If not, it isn't going to work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started dating almost immediately after the death of my spouse. I don't care what anyone thought about that, or maybe still thinks. It's my life and I was ready.

Same here. After my wife died, I started dating almost right away and got into a serious relationship. I did wait about 4 months before I told a few family members. I don't care what anyone thinks. It's my life and my children are grown. They can be happy for me, or not. I'm glad they are but I don't live by their expectations or those of anyone else.

[Anonymous]

I was recently contacted by an ex who just lost his wife. We dated seriously in our 20s and were engaged but did not get married. He reached out as needing a friend and then it started to escalate. Things progressed very quickly but it's only been a few months since he lost his wife. I am not sure how to handle this b/c he is very into me/us but still actively grieving wife.

Any insights from anyone that btdt?

[Anonymous]

I would not judge anyone unless it was like one day or one week, which would feel disrespectful to their deceased spouse.

I think one factor is how the people you might date would feel about it. If I went on a date with someone and it turned out their spouse died a week or two ago, I’d feel sad for them but also confused and a little annoyed because that date is probably a waste of time for me— it’s just two soon. But if it was three months, and they seemed in a good headspace, I’d be fine with it.

Also depends on age and if they have minor children. If there are kids, I’d expect someone to prioritize how their kids are coping, which would probably mean postponing dating a bit longer because I don’t feel a child can process the death of a parent in a few months. But over the age of 55, I think it makes sense to date sooner.

But again, not judging. They lost their life partner. They are entitled to make choices that make sense to them and my opinion is really not that relevant.

[Anonymous]

People, in general, have way too many opinions about the way others grieve - too much, not enough, etc. Don’t judge. Just be kind. If you were ever in a similar situation, you’d want others to support you when/if you felt ready to date again.

[Anonymous]

My mother died suddenly last September. At a family event in April people were encouraging my dad to date. When I talked with him this month he said he’s not sure he’s ready to date, but he’s ready to think about it. I don’t think he was super in love with my mom, but his loyalty as a husband ran very deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend in middle school’s mom died of cancer, and her dad began dating within a few months. It really messed her up, she used to come over to our house in the middle of the night hysterical and sobbing because her dad was having sex with women in their home so soon after her mom died.

I don’t think she ever recovered from it. She was severely depressed all throughout high school and cut herself badly. She had horrible self-esteem and never really dated or got married. I can’t blame her, after seeing how quickly her dad moved on and basically forgot her and her mom.

I personally wouldn’t date a widower until it had been at least 3 years. I know they need to move on, but it’s not my responsibility to help them by dating them. I would want to see them grieve and process the death long before we dated.

I’m so sorry for your friend, she should have gotten grief counselling early on, and I hope she has now.

It’s not about her dad dating, it was about her grieving her mom and the change in life as a whole.

Here’s the thing… her dad had probably done a lot of his grieving while he had a wife with cancer. His error was not dating “too soon” but rather seeking out the appropriate help for his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend in middle school’s mom died of cancer, and her dad began dating within a few months. It really messed her up, she used to come over to our house in the middle of the night hysterical and sobbing because her dad was having sex with women in their home so soon after her mom died.

I don’t think she ever recovered from it. She was severely depressed all throughout high school and cut herself badly. She had horrible self-esteem and never really dated or got married. I can’t blame her, after seeing how quickly her dad moved on and basically forgot her and her mom.

I personally wouldn’t date a widower until it had been at least 3 years. I know they need to move on, but it’s not my responsibility to help them by dating them. I would want to see them grieve and process the death long before we dated.

This is awful. Is your friend doing well now?