Is it ever "too soon" to date once you are a window/widower?

[Anonymous]

I’m bringing a date to the wake.

[Anonymous]

I would try hard not to judge anyone, but I think it totally depends on the circumstances. One of my friends had to watch her spouse waste away over years -- he was not even able to communicate for months in the end. By the time he died, she'd been mourning his loss as though he were dead for a long time. That is a totally different scenario then someone whose spouse dies truly out of the blue.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who restarted this thread. The widower has no children, nor do I. I think the fact that we had a previous serious relationship is why things are escalating quickly with him. I just want to be respectful of his need to grieve and I am not sure he even realizes what he needs with regards to that. He has not gone into details about what happened but I get the impression it was very sudden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who restarted this thread. The widower has no children, nor do I. I think the fact that we had a previous serious relationship is why things are escalating quickly with him. I just want to be respectful of his need to grieve and I am not sure he even realizes what he needs with regards to that. He has not gone into details about what happened but I get the impression it was very sudden.

My SIL started dating about a year after my BIL died suddenly (no kids). She thought she was ready, and was emotionally needed a relationship. The relationship didn't last because she really hadn't processed everything and wasn't over BIL. Her relationship ended after her fiancé felt he was second fiddle to BIL's memory, and always would be. I'm sure he was, but it took her a few years to see that. They never married, but do have a daughter together.

The grief process is full of ups and downs. So just be mindful of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was recently contacted by an ex who just lost his wife. We dated seriously in our 20s and were engaged but did not get married. He reached out as needing a friend and then it started to escalate. Things progressed very quickly but it's only been a few months since he lost his wife. I am not sure how to handle this b/c he is very into me/us but still actively grieving wife.

Any insights from anyone that btdt?

I am a widow in several groups for widows/widowers and it seems to be a very common scenario. Many of them are dating HS sweethearts, college boyfriends, etc. SOme date right away, some wait years. There is no right way to do it.

Just be sure to keep communicating, and don't make him get rid of his wife's stuff.

[Anonymous]

The "too soon" is when the new relationship impacts others in the family who also need to grieve. I try not to judge generally but it was really hard for me and my kids when "new grandpa" had already moved in on our first visit after the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marjorie Brimley also addresses this when she started dating 2 years after her husband's horrible death. http://dcwidow.com/i-know-youre-ready/

Whatever makes them happy!

Yes she got remarried and her new husband adopted the kids!

[Anonymous]

I was widowed quite suddenly (car accident) in my early 30s with young children. It would have been disastrous for me, not to mention any potential partner, to get into any sort of relationship when I was in shock, mourning, and coming to terms with being he sole parent that first year or two. After a couple of years I was ready to be with someone romantically and socially. Some other widows I knew, both men and women, got into relationships not too long after their losses with very mixed results. A few are married to those partners, some are divorced or broken up. Their deal. A lingering death is also very different from a sudden loss.

As for the two women mentioned early in the thread who are now married to others, it can be a challenge to live publicly via a blog or just in the news. People will judge one way or another. Unless you walk in their shoes, you just don't know. Wishing someone well is usually the best policy, but agreed, bringing the pregnant nanny to your wife's funeral is a pretty bad look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I think a week would be too quick. A month would feel fast. Beyond that I wouldn’t feel comfortable judging someone at all.

You never know what their marriage was like. If it was a train wreck I could see dating the next week. Though most people would think that type of relationship would predate the death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend in middle school’s mom died of cancer, and her dad began dating within a few months. It really messed her up, she used to come over to our house in the middle of the night hysterical and sobbing because her dad was having sex with women in their home so soon after her mom died.

I don’t think she ever recovered from it. She was severely depressed all throughout high school and cut herself badly. She had horrible self-esteem and never really dated or got married. I can’t blame her, after seeing how quickly her dad moved on and basically forgot her and her mom.

I personally wouldn’t date a widower until it had been at least 3 years. I know they need to move on, but it’s not my responsibility to help them by dating them. I would want to see them grieve and process the death long before we dated.

I’m so sorry for your friend, she should have gotten grief counselling early on, and I hope she has now.

It’s not about her dad dating, it was about her grieving her mom and the change in life as a whole.

Here’s the thing… her dad had probably done a lot of his grieving while he had a wife with cancer. His error was not dating “too soon” but rather seeking out the appropriate help for his children.

His error was specifically "dating too soon". If he wasnt' having sex in his kids' house, they would not probably need that much therapy, and would not be so deeply traumatized. It's outright disgusting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who restarted this thread. The widower has no children, nor do I. I think the fact that we had a previous serious relationship is why things are escalating quickly with him. I just want to be respectful of his need to grieve and I am not sure he even realizes what he needs with regards to that. He has not gone into details about what happened but I get the impression it was very sudden.

My SIL started dating about a year after my BIL died suddenly (no kids). She thought she was ready, and was emotionally needed a relationship. The relationship didn't last because she really hadn't processed everything and wasn't over BIL. Her relationship ended after her fiancé felt he was second fiddle to BIL's memory, and always would be. I'm sure he was, but it took her a few years to see that. They never married, but do have a daughter together.

The grief process is full of ups and downs. So just be mindful of that.

Yes, he has good days and then very bad ones. I roll with it for now but I do see that he is getting involved with the wife's family and friends more as this goes on. It seems that they are all grieving together.

[Anonymous]

I'm open to dating after only 4 weeks. I don't care what others think. For a lot of us, we had to say goodbye to the life we had with our dying spouse a long time before they actually passed. No one has any right to decide for another what is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

My dad called me up the day after my mom's funeral (so 6 days after her unexpected death) to tell me he had met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. I was 20. So, that was fun. As far as I could determine, there was nothing going on prior to my mom's death. Oh, and he strung this woman along for years until he died. She never moved in with him or anything, but she'd cook and clean for him. Pretty sad.

So yes, there is such a thing as too soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who restarted this thread. The widower has no children, nor do I. I think the fact that we had a previous serious relationship is why things are escalating quickly with him. I just want to be respectful of his need to grieve and I am not sure he even realizes what he needs with regards to that. He has not gone into details about what happened but I get the impression it was very sudden.

My SIL started dating about a year after my BIL died suddenly (no kids). She thought she was ready, and was emotionally needed a relationship. The relationship didn't last because she really hadn't processed everything and wasn't over BIL. Her relationship ended after her fiancé felt he was second fiddle to BIL's memory, and always would be. I'm sure he was, but it took her a few years to see that. They never married, but do have a daughter together.

The grief process is full of ups and downs. So just be mindful of that.

Yes, he has good days and then very bad ones. I roll with it for now but I do see that he is getting involved with the wife's family and friends more as this goes on. It seems that they are all grieving together.

Don't you think you deserve better than that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad called me up the day after my mom's funeral (so 6 days after her unexpected death) to tell me he had met someone new and didn't care if he ever saw me or my brother again. I was 20. So, that was fun. As far as I could determine, there was nothing going on prior to my mom's death. Oh, and he strung this woman along for years until he died. She never moved in with him or anything, but she'd cook and clean for him. Pretty sad.

So yes, there is such a thing as too soon.

Wow, I bet you have some more stories to tell!