At what point do you call it quits?

[Anonymous]

Prioritize. My DH has higher standards than I do. My house is neat and tidy, but not immaculately clean. I also let the laundry sit for a day before folding and wait until everyone’s on their last pair of underwear to do it. I’ll let a dirty pan sit in the sink until after dinner. DH can take care of these things immediately like he likes to, but 100% he cannot nag me about them because his standards are not normal. I prioritize spending time with my kids and being present for them. I also have stopped feeling guilty about sitting still. It’s abusive to live in a home where you feel you need to jump up and look busy when your spouse comes in the room.

All that said, you need to sit him down and tell him you’re at a breaking point. Lay out how you want the house to work and take his feedback and ideas and compromise. It’s not work effing up your kids if you leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are better at older children than younger children. Having young children is really really stressful and some people deal with it differently. If all is fine otherwise, hold out for two years and see if its still the same.

While this can absolutely be true, you have a guy here that DOESN'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING unless his wife wakes him up. That is not "I am not great with babies." That's just being a jerk.

I need 8 hours of sleep to ensure my depression doesn’t come back. I also run on a later schedule than DH who goes to bed at 9:30/10. I refuse to believe I’m lazy for sleeping until 7am when DH is up at 6 making breakfast and going on walks with the kids. I need sleep. I don’t get pissed at him for not staying up and cleaning or doing all the school stuff and making lunches for the next day. Sleeping is not being lazy. It’s SLEEPING. Pretty sure her DH isn’t going to bed at 10pm and waking at 8. If he is he should see a doctor. She can talk to him about shifting his schedule or see if he can do all the heavy lifting at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are better at older children than younger children. Having young children is really really stressful and some people deal with it differently. If all is fine otherwise, hold out for two years and see if its still the same.

While this can absolutely be true, you have a guy here that DOESN'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING unless his wife wakes him up. That is not "I am not great with babies." That's just being a jerk.

I need 8 hours of sleep to ensure my depression doesn’t come back. I also run on a later schedule than DH who goes to bed at 9:30/10. I refuse to believe I’m lazy for sleeping until 7am when DH is up at 6 making breakfast and going on walks with the kids. I need sleep. I don’t get pissed at him for not staying up and cleaning or doing all the school stuff and making lunches for the next day. Sleeping is not being lazy. It’s SLEEPING. Pretty sure her DH isn’t going to bed at 10pm and waking at 8. If he is he should see a doctor. She can talk to him about shifting his schedule or see if he can do all the heavy lifting at night.

It isn't the amount of sleep, it's that she has to wake him up, because he's too much of a man-baby to set his own alarm clock. He's taking responsibility for absolutely nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are better at older children than younger children. Having young children is really really stressful and some people deal with it differently. If all is fine otherwise, hold out for two years and see if its still the same.

While this can absolutely be true, you have a guy here that DOESN'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING unless his wife wakes him up. That is not "I am not great with babies." That's just being a jerk.

I need 8 hours of sleep to ensure my depression doesn’t come back. I also run on a later schedule than DH who goes to bed at 9:30/10. I refuse to believe I’m lazy for sleeping until 7am when DH is up at 6 making breakfast and going on walks with the kids. I need sleep. I don’t get pissed at him for not staying up and cleaning or doing all the school stuff and making lunches for the next day. Sleeping is not being lazy. It’s SLEEPING. Pretty sure her DH isn’t going to bed at 10pm and waking at 8. If he is he should see a doctor. She can talk to him about shifting his schedule or see if he can do all the heavy lifting at night.

It isn't the amount of sleep, it's that she has to wake him up, because he's too much of a man-baby to set his own alarm clock. He's taking responsibility for absolutely nothing.

Has she asked him to be up at a certain time to help with a certain task?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are better at older children than younger children. Having young children is really really stressful and some people deal with it differently. If all is fine otherwise, hold out for two years and see if its still the same.

While this can absolutely be true, you have a guy here that DOESN'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING unless his wife wakes him up. That is not "I am not great with babies." That's just being a jerk.

I need 8 hours of sleep to ensure my depression doesn’t come back. I also run on a later schedule than DH who goes to bed at 9:30/10. I refuse to believe I’m lazy for sleeping until 7am when DH is up at 6 making breakfast and going on walks with the kids. I need sleep. I don’t get pissed at him for not staying up and cleaning or doing all the school stuff and making lunches for the next day. Sleeping is not being lazy. It’s SLEEPING. Pretty sure her DH isn’t going to bed at 10pm and waking at 8. If he is he should see a doctor. She can talk to him about shifting his schedule or see if he can do all the heavy lifting at night.

I'm not sure why you think OP's issue has anything to do with your very specific situation, but it doesn't. You can show yourself out now. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are better at older children than younger children. Having young children is really really stressful and some people deal with it differently. If all is fine otherwise, hold out for two years and see if its still the same.

While this can absolutely be true, you have a guy here that DOESN'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING unless his wife wakes him up. That is not "I am not great with babies." That's just being a jerk.

I need 8 hours of sleep to ensure my depression doesn’t come back. I also run on a later schedule than DH who goes to bed at 9:30/10. I refuse to believe I’m lazy for sleeping until 7am when DH is up at 6 making breakfast and going on walks with the kids. I need sleep. I don’t get pissed at him for not staying up and cleaning or doing all the school stuff and making lunches for the next day. Sleeping is not being lazy. It’s SLEEPING. Pretty sure her DH isn’t going to bed at 10pm and waking at 8. If he is he should see a doctor. She can talk to him about shifting his schedule or see if he can do all the heavy lifting at night.

It isn't the amount of sleep, it's that she has to wake him up, because he's too much of a man-baby to set his own alarm clock. He's taking responsibility for absolutely nothing.

Has she asked him to be up at a certain time to help with a certain task?

This lady's issue is not *lack of asking her husband to help with things*.

[Anonymous]

OP - With children, the only reason to divorce are: Adultry, Abuse or Addiction

You can build a happy-enough life for yourself -- inside your marriage --- whether he helps or not.

You need to rise above your challenges and grow.

[Anonymous]

yardwork, fixing things around the house

You hire this out. And you drop your standards

Do you make as much money as he? I bet you don't. If you don't, you don't know the stress. His stress. His stress = not doing all you want. Because he needs to chill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are better at older children than younger children. Having young children is really really stressful and some people deal with it differently. If all is fine otherwise, hold out for two years and see if its still the same.

While this can absolutely be true, you have a guy here that DOESN'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING unless his wife wakes him up. That is not "I am not great with babies." That's just being a jerk.

I need 8 hours of sleep to ensure my depression doesn’t come back. I also run on a later schedule than DH who goes to bed at 9:30/10. I refuse to believe I’m lazy for sleeping until 7am when DH is up at 6 making breakfast and going on walks with the kids. I need sleep. I don’t get pissed at him for not staying up and cleaning or doing all the school stuff and making lunches for the next day. Sleeping is not being lazy. It’s SLEEPING. Pretty sure her DH isn’t going to bed at 10pm and waking at 8. If he is he should see a doctor. She can talk to him about shifting his schedule or see if he can do all the heavy lifting at night.

It isn't the amount of sleep, it's that she has to wake him up, because he's too much of a man-baby to set his own alarm clock. He's taking responsibility for absolutely nothing.

Has she asked him to be up at a certain time to help with a certain task?

Waiting around for someone else to tell you what needs to be done in your own house and for your own family is pretty damn pathetic. And not a solution for solving the ManBaby problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - With children, the only reason to divorce are: Adultry, Abuse or Addiction

You can build a happy-enough life for yourself -- inside your marriage --- whether he helps or not.

You need to rise above your challenges and grow.

Lots of divorces are due to deadweight spouses. Many people cannot rationalize that, day in and day out.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation OP. I do everything with two toddlers and I work full time. My DH is a JERK!

Here is what I started to do to make myself happier/healthier:

1--I do not do his laundry or pick up after him. If his laundry is laying around in piles unfolded...I put it in his closet and shut his door. He bi****s and complains and I do nothing. When it really gets beyond disgusting, I send pictures to his father and tell him to tell his son to get his sh*t together.
2--I PAY for the cleaners to come twice a month and get the house ready for cleaners. I also cut 4 acres of lawn every week or so in the summer using a zero turn mower.
3--I do not cook for him, I only cook for myself and the kids. I also do kids' laundry and my mom comes in once a week and helps me fold it. I put it away.
4--I take the kids to do fun stuff on weekends without asking his permission. I just tell him we're leaving to do so and so and off we go. I meet up with my parents or a friend at a park and we go and do something fun with the kids.
5--I take care of my own car and pay my own bills, since I separated our finances last year.
6--I DO NOT have sex with him since he is really not a husband/partner, but a crappy roommate.
7--I stopped getting the kids ready in the morning and just pack everything for them the night before, lay their clothes out, and pack snacks for the ride home from daycare. I get myself ready for work in the am and I leave. DH can get the kids dressed and put them in the car.
8--We split bedtime at times, but most of the time is on me....which is ok since I do not have to deal with DH moaning and groaning.

I do not nag or ask about his business ever. I just ignore him.....the ship is finally TURNING slowly.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:on the topic of having to do everything: I am recently divorced from someone who didn’t pull his weight (one of many reasons for divorce). kids were at ex-DHs this weekend, and I noticed the dryer was not properly attached to the vent. in the old days I would have asked DH to do something... about 85 times over 6 weeks, while getting nervous we would cause a fire using the dryer, and eventually getting it fixed myself. Since I no longer have a DH, this weekend I pulled out the dryer, took a picture, decided it didnt look like rocket science (it just needed a little extension to the vent). Went to hardware store, asked for help, got the extension piece and tape, and fixed it myself - probably 1.5 hours total (I live close to a hardware store . and it was SO satisfying, and so much less stressful and annoying, because I just know I have to do everything and in fact it works better that way than trying to parse things out to exDH that I thought he might be willing to do, then nagging, etc. This wouldn’t work if he didn’t have regular (40%) time with the kids, but honestly it isnt so bad to do it all myself now that I have time.

This is what I tell people when they say "you'll be doing it all anyway".

It's not even remotely the same, and I love my peaceful life.

- Single mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. He may not have been taught how to pull his own weight as a kid, so in this case you need to start back from square one.


Make a chore chart, which clearly outlines your tasks, and his tasks. If your kids are old enough, maybe even have them help you with something. If he doesn't get his tasks done, then he has to pay to hire someone to do them. If he doesn't get one of his tasks done that could easily be done by you, he has to pay you for you to do it. That should get him to do the tasks.


As well as doing this, also withhold privledges that relate to the tasks. Ex.

DH: I wanna go play outside with the kids.

OP: Well, because you didn't mow, you can't play out there because you could get ticks. But, if you do it now, after you and the kids are done you can go outside.


Or:

DH: Time to go to our fancy dinner!
OP: Well, you didn't help me clean up the house today, so the house is a mess. We can't leave the house with it looking like this. But, if you help me do it now, then we can go tommorrow.


Hopefully this helps!

Why would you recommend OP treat her husband like a child? This is how she got in to this situation in the first place.

OP please do not make your husband a chore chart. He’s an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation OP. I do everything with two toddlers and I work full time. My DH is a JERK!

Here is what I started to do to make myself happier/healthier:

1--I do not do his laundry or pick up after him. If his laundry is laying around in piles unfolded...I put it in his closet and shut his door. He bi****s and complains and I do nothing. When it really gets beyond disgusting, I send pictures to his father and tell him to tell his son to get his sh*t together.
2--I PAY for the cleaners to come twice a month and get the house ready for cleaners. I also cut 4 acres of lawn every week or so in the summer using a zero turn mower.
3--I do not cook for him, I only cook for myself and the kids. I also do kids' laundry and my mom comes in once a week and helps me fold it. I put it away.
4--I take the kids to do fun stuff on weekends without asking his permission. I just tell him we're leaving to do so and so and off we go. I meet up with my parents or a friend at a park and we go and do something fun with the kids.
5--I take care of my own car and pay my own bills, since I separated our finances last year.
6--I DO NOT have sex with him since he is really not a husband/partner, but a crappy roommate.
7--I stopped getting the kids ready in the morning and just pack everything for them the night before, lay their clothes out, and pack snacks for the ride home from daycare. I get myself ready for work in the am and I leave. DH can get the kids dressed and put them in the car.
8--We split bedtime at times, but most of the time is on me....which is ok since I do not have to deal with DH moaning and groaning.

I do not nag or ask about his business ever. I just ignore him.....the ship is finally TURNING slowly.....

Omg this sounds awful. Why not just get divorced? You’re already basically separated.

[Anonymous]

^horribly awful. My spouse had an affair but the marriage was great otherwise and we had sex and he contributed to the household and did laundry (was a neat freak). I’d divorce someone rather than live that hell described in that post.