At what point do you call it quits?

[Anonymous]

I have two children that are not yet school age. Although my husband and I both work full time, he rarely helps out with household chores (dishes, laundry, trash, etc.), even when I ask. He doesn’t set his alarm in the mornings, so if I don't wake him up myself, which takes a good half an hour that we don't have time for, I’m always the one to wake the kids up and get them ready for daycare. I feed the kids at night, I put them to bed, I make sure they have everything they need. All these things together make me feel like I am pulling all the weight of keeping the household running, and I am just so, so tired. My husband is also always raising his voice and gets irritated at the drop of a hat, which stresses the kids and I out. I feel like I walk on eggshells around him most times. We have seen a counselor for these things, but nothing has changed. I have tried everything in the book and all of his suggestions on how to “get him to help,” but nothing works. It’s getting to the point where I feel just exhausted and everything is half done because I can’t accomplish everything alone. Household maintenance (yardwork, fixing things around the house) falls by the wayside, and I am constantly cleaning up after everyone…in short, I can’t do it anymore.

But is divorce the answer? My husband is emotionally available, very loyal, and I love my in-laws, but if I’m going to be doing all the work myself anyway, what is the point of staying with him? He’s just…well, lazy. And constantly cranky. If I divorce him now, we live in an area where his family is all nearby, whereas my own family is on the opposite side of the country. I would have no support whatsoever if I were here alone, which I know would end up being the case considering no divorce court is going to allow me to move my children an unreasonable distance away from their father, who will want to see them regularly. I would be isolated (I have no friends here; we live here because his job is here) and lonely, but I feel like it is getting to the point where I can’t take staying with him any longer. I'm so torn, even with everything I've said.

I know in all honesty that no one can figure this out for me, but I’m just so lost. Any thoughts, suggestions, or divorce lawyer recommendations welcome.

[Anonymous]

Se a financial pro as well.

[Anonymous]

You call it quits when you have thought through everything and made your plan for finances, work, and how you will do everything as a single parent.

It sounds like time for you to take a hard line with your DH. Offer him the opportunity to do online counseling and tell him you are no longer willing to carry everything. Then stop carrying it. Stop waking him up. Stop doing anything for him. Stop doing things that are important to him and not you. Cut things out of your life to make it simpler, and start hiring things out. Basically live like a single person with kids because that is your plan in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Find your own individual counselor. They can help you define and enforce your boundaries better than an anonymous chat board.

Can you outsource any of the work that you’re doing alone?

[Anonymous]

And definitely stop waking him up. Tell him you’re not doing it anymore and then don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And definitely stop waking him up. Tell him you’re not doing it anymore and then don’t do it.

This. You will get better results if you follow through on your boundaries. He probably perceives you as not serious and just fussing at him because you don't follow through.

How is it that he is emotionally available yet counseling has failed and he DGAF about being fair to you?

[Anonymous]

When I started looking at apartments and talking about how we were going to make school work, my husband finally started getting that I was serious. It was like everything I'd said before just hadn't registered. He was resentful about having kids (which he wanted) and thought of anything he did around the house or for childcare as something he was doing 'for me'.

[Anonymous]

The point of staying with him is that the children get time with their parents and no stepfamily issues, and your combined income supports one household instead of two. Whether that is better or worse from your perspective is up to you, but the reasons are very real.

You will have to do everything in your home if you divorce and he probably won't do any better with parenting admin tasks, btw, so it will be all on you either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And definitely stop waking him up. Tell him you’re not doing it anymore and then don’t do it.

This. You will get better results if you follow through on your boundaries. He probably perceives you as not serious and just fussing at him because you don't follow through.

How is it that he is emotionally available yet counseling has failed and he DGAF about being fair to you?

My question exactly.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try counseling with this guy.

https://mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. He may not have been taught how to pull his own weight as a kid, so in this case you need to start back from square one.


Make a chore chart, which clearly outlines your tasks, and his tasks. If your kids are old enough, maybe even have them help you with something. If he doesn't get his tasks done, then he has to pay to hire someone to do them. If he doesn't get one of his tasks done that could easily be done by you, he has to pay you for you to do it. That should get him to do the tasks.


As well as doing this, also withhold privledges that relate to the tasks. Ex.

DH: I wanna go play outside with the kids.

OP: Well, because you didn't mow, you can't play out there because you could get ticks. But, if you do it now, after you and the kids are done you can go outside.


Or:

DH: Time to go to our fancy dinner!
OP: Well, you didn't help me clean up the house today, so the house is a mess. We can't leave the house with it looking like this. But, if you help me do it now, then we can go tommorrow.


Hopefully this helps!

[Anonymous]

you are enabling him. set boundaries and things will change don't move your boundaries and don't enable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. He may not have been taught how to pull his own weight as a kid, so in this case you need to start back from square one.


Make a chore chart, which clearly outlines your tasks, and his tasks. If your kids are old enough, maybe even have them help you with something. If he doesn't get his tasks done, then he has to pay to hire someone to do them. If he doesn't get one of his tasks done that could easily be done by you, he has to pay you for you to do it. That should get him to do the tasks.


As well as doing this, also withhold privledges that relate to the tasks. Ex.

DH: I wanna go play outside with the kids.

OP: Well, because you didn't mow, you can't play out there because you could get ticks. But, if you do it now, after you and the kids are done you can go outside.


Or:

DH: Time to go to our fancy dinner!
OP: Well, you didn't help me clean up the house today, so the house is a mess. We can't leave the house with it looking like this. But, if you help me do it now, then we can go tommorrow.


Hopefully this helps!

There is no "he has to". He's a grown-up. He doesn't have to do anything she asks no matter how many charts she makes. The major leverage she has is leaving him. But for all we know, he wants that.

[Anonymous]

Agree with all above. Don't enable the man baby. Also, be prepared for backlash. This is not sustainable long term without burnout or one of the 4 horsemen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The point of staying with him is that the children get time with their parents and no stepfamily issues, and your combined income supports one household instead of two. Whether that is better or worse from your perspective is up to you, but the reasons are very real.

You will have to do everything in your home if you divorce and he probably won't do any better with parenting admin tasks, btw, so it will be all on you either way.

Just being realistic, I completely agree with this. Unless you have 50-50 custody and the kids split their time between your houses, the burden will still fall to you. From the way the message is written, it sounds like you still love him and are frustrated. Things get easier when the kids are older, so you might want to try waiting for a while (years) and reevaluating. But if I read you wrong, then it is time for an ultimatum. We got to a pretty bad point a couple of years ago where I was thinking of separating, and my husband knew it and said that he wanted to try to work things out. I literally had to develop a schedule in writing for who is responsible for dinner what night, who drives which kid to sporting events, etc. My husband really resisted but eventually agreed, and once he started doing more I think he realized how unfair the burden on me had been. It sounds like your husband is not a bad person, even if he is lazy and selfish in my experience many men are, so something like this might work for you if you are at the point where you will lay it down and not pick up any slack -- for example, if it is your husband's turn to take care of dinner, and he doesn't, don't step in -- if he has to order pizza or do fast food at 8 pm, stay out of it. Definitely stop waking him up. I would stop doing his laundry too . good luck, and remember that you are not the only one who has had to deal with something similar (at least, that helps me)!