At what point do you call it quits?

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in similar shoes when our kids were little, with a messy, impulsively angry husband. He does have adhd and when stressed (which little ones will do) he snapped a lot. I also considered divorce but I just thought it would make my life harder. Id still have almost all the same responsibilities, less money.

We saw a therapist for the anger (for 'how we communicate') and i made it clear that I would leave him over what verged on verbal abuse. We practiced listening better to each other. I tabled--as much as possible--my resentment in order to deal with communication.

As for the rest, it was hard and slow to change, but i stopped doing a lot of things (no laundry for him, made meals for the kids only, etc) until he took some notice. I also simply HIRED help and even spent $ we really didn't have on premade food, etc, anything to make those years easier. I didn't make it about him not doing enough I made it about me needing more support one way or another.

Our kids are now in 3rd and 5th and things are a lot better. Why? They are less work, we are less tired, and DH has picked up a lot more. I also figured out the stuff he didn't mind which was shopping, driving and errands, I still do much more cooking and cleaning but he pulls his weight in other areas. It took us a long time to get here though. I'm glad I didnt' divorce when the kids were little, but I understand how you feel and felt that way myself.

My advice is to address one thing at a time and i would start with the way he talks to you and treat you. That is key.


Just throw money if you can at the other stuff, but work on how you communicate (non verbally as well) first. When DH sensed less criticism and disappointment from me, he was a lot nicer and did a lot more too.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are better at older children than younger children. Having young children is really really stressful and some people deal with it differently. If all is fine otherwise, hold out for two years and see if its still the same.

While this can absolutely be true, you have a guy here that DOESN'T WAKE UP IN THE MORNING unless his wife wakes him up. That is not "I am not great with babies." That's just being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. My ex was similar (on top of anger issues and alcohol misuse). I'd literally look him in his eyes, point-blank tell him I need help, or that I was drowning with the kid/housework/etc., and he'd look right back at me and literally say "no." Of course I did all the things like stopped doing his laundry, etc. but it didn't do a thing to make him do more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of staying with him is that the children get time with their parents and no stepfamily issues, and your combined income supports one household instead of two. Whether that is better or worse from your perspective is up to you, but the reasons are very real.

You will have to do everything in your home if you divorce and he probably won't do any better with parenting admin tasks, btw, so it will be all on you either way.

Just being realistic, I completely agree with this. Unless you have 50-50 custody and the kids split their time between your houses, the burden will still fall to you. From the way the message is written, it sounds like you still love him and are frustrated. Things get easier when the kids are older, so you might want to try waiting for a while (years) and reevaluating. But if I read you wrong, then it is time for an ultimatum. We got to a pretty bad point a couple of years ago where I was thinking of separating, and my husband knew it and said that he wanted to try to work things out. I literally had to develop a schedule in writing for who is responsible for dinner what night, who drives which kid to sporting events, etc. My husband really resisted but eventually agreed, and once he started doing more I think he realized how unfair the burden on me had been. It sounds like your husband is not a bad person, even if he is lazy and selfish in my experience many men are, so something like this might work for you if you are at the point where you will lay it down and not pick up any slack -- for example, if it is your husband's turn to take care of dinner, and he doesn't, don't step in -- if he has to order pizza or do fast food at 8 pm, stay out of it. Definitely stop waking him up. I would stop doing his laundry too . good luck, and remember that you are not the only one who has had to deal with something similar (at least, that helps me)!

My kid lives with me full time, so of course all the burden falls on me- but it is SO MUCH BETTER AND EASIER than taking care of a grown man...and no resentment! And just like OP, I too had to wake up my ex.

[Anonymous]

Give him choices - I need you to be in charge of the kids of either morning or evening. I can't do both.

Makes plans to go out with friends (non-pandemic/safely) and just inform him. Do a fun outing with just the kids.

Similarly, take a daily walk/run sans kids.

Definitely don't do his laundry.

Don't cook every day - get takeout or prepared meals. If he complains about the cost, then...

Generally, I'm saying to set boundaries.

At the same time, it will be easier if you can find it in your heart to try to stay connected to him (sex, sharing about your day, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him choices - I need you to be in charge of the kids of either morning or evening. I can't do both.

Makes plans to go out with friends (non-pandemic/safely) and just inform him. Do a fun outing with just the kids.

Similarly, take a daily walk/run sans kids.

Definitely don't do his laundry.

Don't cook every day - get takeout or prepared meals. If he complains about the cost, then...

Generally, I'm saying to set boundaries.

At the same time, it will be easier if you can find it in your heart to try to stay connected to him (sex, sharing about your day, etc.).

Who would want to have sex with such a jackass

[Anonymous]

on the topic of having to do everything: I am recently divorced from someone who didn’t pull his weight (one of many reasons for divorce). kids were at ex-DHs this weekend, and I noticed the dryer was not properly attached to the vent. in the old days I would have asked DH to do something... about 85 times over 6 weeks, while getting nervous we would cause a fire using the dryer, and eventually getting it fixed myself. Since I no longer have a DH, this weekend I pulled out the dryer, took a picture, decided it didnt look like rocket science (it just needed a little extension to the vent). Went to hardware store, asked for help, got the extension piece and tape, and fixed it myself - probably 1.5 hours total (I live close to a hardware store . and it was SO satisfying, and so much less stressful and annoying, because I just know I have to do everything and in fact it works better that way than trying to parse things out to exDH that I thought he might be willing to do, then nagging, etc. This wouldn’t work if he didn’t have regular (40%) time with the kids, but honestly it isnt so bad to do it all myself now that I have time.

[Anonymous]

I divorced over that life. It is so much better not having an extra adult child.

[Anonymous]

I am up reading these threads in the middle of the night weighing the very same decision and could have written the original post. The only thing holding me back is two kids in daycare and a job with a fair amount of work travel post covid (if that ever happens) that I cant imagine handling as a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him choices - I need you to be in charge of the kids of either morning or evening. I can't do both.

Makes plans to go out with friends (non-pandemic/safely) and just inform him. Do a fun outing with just the kids.

Similarly, take a daily walk/run sans kids.

Definitely don't do his laundry.

Don't cook every day - get takeout or prepared meals. If he complains about the cost, then...

Generally, I'm saying to set boundaries.

At the same time, it will be easier if you can find it in your heart to try to stay connected to him (sex, sharing about your day, etc.).

Who would want to have sex with such a jackass

This is exactly why DADT is an unavoidable part of stay-together-for-the-kids marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here we have (yet another) stay together for the kids platonic room mate marriage. Standard rule applies as always: this can work perfectly fine OP ,,,, only IF you open the marriage on his side.

Go AWAY. He doesn’t need an open marriage he needs a divorce. He sucks. No comments on his sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. He may not have been taught how to pull his own weight as a kid, so in this case you need to start back from square one.


Make a chore chart, which clearly outlines your tasks, and his tasks. If your kids are old enough, maybe even have them help you with something. If he doesn't get his tasks done, then he has to pay to hire someone to do them. If he doesn't get one of his tasks done that could easily be done by you, he has to pay you for you to do it. That should get him to do the tasks.


As well as doing this, also withhold privledges that relate to the tasks. Ex.

DH: I wanna go play outside with the kids.

OP: Well, because you didn't mow, you can't play out there because you could get ticks. But, if you do it now, after you and the kids are done you can go outside.


Or:

DH: Time to go to our fancy dinner!
OP: Well, you didn't help me clean up the house today, so the house is a mess. We can't leave the house with it looking like this. But, if you help me do it now, then we can go tommorrow.


Hopefully this helps!

Ummm. A chore chart? Oh hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two children that are not yet school age. Although my husband and I both work full time, he rarely helps out with household chores (dishes, laundry, trash, etc.), even when I ask. He doesn’t set his alarm in the mornings, so if I don't wake him up myself, which takes a good half an hour that we don't have time for, I’m always the one to wake the kids up and get them ready for daycare. I feed the kids at night, I put them to bed, I make sure they have everything they need. All these things together make me feel like I am pulling all the weight of keeping the household running, and I am just so, so tired. My husband is also always raising his voice and gets irritated at the drop of a hat, which stresses the kids and I out. I feel like I walk on eggshells around him most times. We have seen a counselor for these things, but nothing has changed. I have tried everything in the book and all of his suggestions on how to “get him to help,” but nothing works. It’s getting to the point where I feel just exhausted and everything is half done because I can’t accomplish everything alone. Household maintenance (yardwork, fixing things around the house) falls by the wayside, and I am constantly cleaning up after everyone…in short, I can’t do it anymore.

But is divorce the answer? My husband is emotionally available, very loyal, and I love my in-laws, but if I’m going to be doing all the work myself anyway, what is the point of staying with him? He’s just…well, lazy. And constantly cranky. If I divorce him now, we live in an area where his family is all nearby, whereas my own family is on the opposite side of the country. I would have no support whatsoever if I were here alone, which I know would end up being the case considering no divorce court is going to allow me to move my children an unreasonable distance away from their father, who will want to see them regularly. I would be isolated (I have no friends here; we live here because his job is here) and lonely, but I feel like it is getting to the point where I can’t take staying with him any longer. I'm so torn, even with everything I've said.

I know in all honesty that no one can figure this out for me, but I’m just so lost. Any thoughts, suggestions, or divorce lawyer recommendations welcome.

He is NOT emotionally available if he knows this is an issue stressing you out and eroding your marriage, but refuses to change his behavior.

[Anonymous]

I agree, definitely don't be waking him up. He is too grown for that. Even my 9 year old can set an alarm. What about an au pair or a housekeeper so you have an extra set of hands to help? Some people (men in particular) were raised with their mothers doing everything for them as children and beyond and they just will not start doing housework later in life. It's a shame they can't buck up and take on more responsibility but sometimes the energy put into arguing about just isn't even worth it. If you have the money, I'd outsource these jobs- hire a high schooler to mow your lawn, a mother's helper to fold your clothes or a part-time housekeeper/sitter to help with the kids and other household chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced over that life. It is so much better not having an extra adult child.

Isn’t it though?! I wish more women realized divorce sucks for all at first, but life gets so much better!