How to feel okay that I may never get married
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Anonymous
A good marriage is a great thing. But a bad marriage is a horrific prison cell. Marriage is NOT worth it unless you can end up in that first category. And that's harder than you think. Focus on the being happy and empowered part. The relationship part will fall into place. Might not be marriage, but it will be a part of your happy life, the one you created. |
Anonymous
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I mean, I feel like it could still happen for you if that’s what you want.
My favorite quote on this is: “there ain’t no settling down without some settling for.” We all compromise when we choose a partner, house, job. I don’t know you but assuming you’re sane, employed, and not fat, I know there are met who would marry you. |
Anonymous
Wow, the “not fat” part is so offensive. Most American adults are overweight...yet they tend to marry. So you are wrong and extremely offensive. Picture inserting another adjective there (like race or ethnicity, or education level). Why is it okay to insult /discriminate based upon how much you weigh.?You sound like a smug jerk. |
Anonymous
NP. I agree, It isn’t okay and it is hurtful. I also don’t think being loyal for life is settling. It should be come thing good enough to make room for your future. Not an eventual submission to less than you want. My ex used to say things like that. “Stay skinny, don’t go over a size 4, tone up your stomach”. I’ve never been overweight and would just dismiss it. If I knew then what I know now. In hindsight he was projecting his own insecurity about his body and I was placing value on someone that had selfish conditions and saw my wounds from childhood as an in keep some influence or power over me. I remember being a bridesmaid for a friend and we were trying on dresses. Somehow I said something about his comment. One of the women looked at me, but said nothing. I wish she would have spoken up about the sign. She may have given me pause and prevented heartache. To relate it back to this thread. Anyone can get married. No one should settle. And it is easier to heal alone than it is to try to grow with a partner that is incapable of that growth. Don’t be so set on checking boxes that you don’t actually see the person in front of you for who they are. I was ignorant. You’re getting good advice her OP. An unhappy marriage is a lifetime sentence and you need an entire legal process to approve you leaving someone bad for you without destroying everything you’ve worked for. When marriage is right, neither of you are settling. This is also why you shouldn’t waste time dating people you feel lukewarm about. You can get caught up in being comfortable and not truly have joy. Eventually that turns to resentment or something worse. |
Anonymous
I’m the PP who wrote that. I don’t intend it to be unkind. I’m a fat woman myself. I say it because-and the data bear this out-it is hard for fat women in the dating game. It just is. It’s not impossible, but it is hard. Being fat really limits your options when dating. It’s just a fact and I’ve lived it. The settling thing comes from Dan Savage: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.upworthy.com/amp/a-chronically-single-person-asked-dan-savage-for-relationship-advice-heres-his-no-nonsense-reply-2637293053 and Lori Gottlieb: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/306651/ |
Anonymous
Not the PP, and I hear you. There are a lot of women in my family that are obese. Every single one of them have had just as many opportunities foe love and attraction as any other. The major difference I can say is the women who own their body image and have true self confidence have partners that love them. Seriously. 3 married, one is a player — it’s not a matter of attraction. I suspect the self-criticism is off putting to other people because it seems as if you are resigned to not liking who you are. It is no different than any other poster who says “I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m poor, I’m uneducated, I’m too tall, I’m abused, I’m a victim, I’m whatever.” We all have something. It’s not about perfection, it is owning who you are and loving your self journey. When you do that it is easier to attract a partner. I also know most men are not as harsh on women as we are on ourselves. I’m not attempting to invalidate your experience, I haven’t walked in your shoes. But I can say with confidence that the difference in attitude for the women I know who are obese is directly correlated with their self-image. You seem like you want to get ahead of the potential “insult” of being fat, so you put it out there before anyone else can — assuming they would. Without seeing your face I could identify a trait that is reflective of another person that projects insecurity even if you do t realize you’re feeling it. There are plenty of articles I can find around that but what really matters is how you feel, not one persons write up about it. I’m sending this post with as much love and respect as I can. Own everything about yourself without degrading yourself, even subtly. Everyone has something but it hard to share your sh*t if the other person can’t manage theirs. |
Anonymous
| Your life isn't over with yet. I had a child at 20 and married at 48. My DD is engaged and getting married at 49. You never know what life has in store for you. |
Anonymous
| My aunt never got married and she is wealthier, happier, and healthier than 99% of the people I ever met. It wasn’t for lack of suitors either, men were interested in her throughout her life. She just lived her life the way she wanted. Sometimes I think our perception of how our life is going matters the most. |
Anonymous
Why buy when you can rent? |
Anonymous
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None of my male friends in my life have married a fat woman. I know they would not date one.
This is like saying to a woman, who cares if the guy is poor and rents a shack with a couple of buddies? He is a confident, nice guy. Nu-uh. No woman i have ever known is going to date the guy. Men do not want to marry fat women, and women do not want to marry low SES men. |
Anonymous
And yet, most people married in the US fit exactly into that category. Most Americans are obese 90%ers. Sounds like you’ve got a snazzy circle! |
Anonymous
They more than likely got fat after having kids. This is probably about dating/marrying fat women in their 20s and early 30s who haven’t even given birth yet. Also, men have a different definition of fat than women do. DCUM women think anything over 130 lbs is fat. Men will find a 140 lb woman attractive and a 110 lb woman attractive, especially if the 140 lb woman carries it in her boobs. It’s the 200 lb women they won’t date. |
Anonymous
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I find this quote very helpful: "Everything in your life is right on schedule."
Being 39 and single, in no way means you will stay single. It is a numbers game, and you do have to put yourself out there, but you can mean a great guy. It is a pandemic so this is not exactly the best time to date, but you can then view this time as a practice round to work on conversation skills and getting dressed up for your Zoom dates. Then when this is hopefully better in the spring/summer you'll be confident and ready to date! |
Anonymous
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There are some advantages to being single. You always have the chance for a great sex life, where most people married a while are sexually miserable
Also, like others said, it's better than being in a bad marriage and half of marriages at least are bad |