Working women are getting the shaft

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

This is key. A lot of women want their husbands to do it their way - the perfect way. No, shut up and let him do it the same way he would if you were dead. Then you get an involved partner.

Omg, this is hilarious.

Yet, its true. A man will let laundry pile up for a week or two then get around to it. He'll mix colors. He'll just use a basic detergent. Its fine.

A woman wants laundry done on a schedule 3x a week with the clothes separated and then sorted into their respective owners rooms and storage.

Both are ways of getting it done. You want it perfect - do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

This is key. A lot of women want their husbands to do it their way - the perfect way. No, shut up and let him do it the same way he would if you were dead. Then you get an involved partner.

Omg, this is hilarious.

Yet, its true. A man will let laundry pile up for a week or two then get around to it. He'll mix colors. He'll just use a basic detergent. Its fine.

A woman wants laundry done on a schedule 3x a week with the clothes separated and then sorted into their respective owners rooms and storage.

Both are ways of getting it done. You want it perfect - do it yourself.

TIL I'm a man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

This is key. A lot of women want their husbands to do it their way - the perfect way. No, shut up and let him do it the same way he would if you were dead. Then you get an involved partner.

Omg, this is hilarious.

Yet, its true. A man will let laundry pile up for a week or two then get around to it. He'll mix colors. He'll just use a basic detergent. Its fine.

A woman wants laundry done on a schedule 3x a week with the clothes separated and then sorted into their respective owners rooms and storage.

Both are ways of getting it done. You want it perfect - do it yourself.

TIL I'm a man

So are you living up to your wife’s standards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

This is key. A lot of women want their husbands to do it their way - the perfect way. No, shut up and let him do it the same way he would if you were dead. Then you get an involved partner.

Omg, this is hilarious.

Yet, its true. A man will let laundry pile up for a week or two then get around to it. He'll mix colors. He'll just use a basic detergent. Its fine.

A woman wants laundry done on a schedule 3x a week with the clothes separated and then sorted into their respective owners rooms and storage.

Both are ways of getting it done. You want it perfect - do it yourself.

TIL I'm a man

So are you living up to your wife’s standards?

My fiance is a man. Not sure what his thoughts are regarding my refusal to separate my laundry by color and my use of basic detergent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

This is key. A lot of women want their husbands to do it their way - the perfect way. No, shut up and let him do it the same way he would if you were dead. Then you get an involved partner.

Omg, this is hilarious.

Yet, its true. A man will let laundry pile up for a week or two then get around to it. He'll mix colors. He'll just use a basic detergent. Its fine.

A woman wants laundry done on a schedule 3x a week with the clothes separated and then sorted into their respective owners rooms and storage.

Both are ways of getting it done. You want it perfect - do it yourself.

TIL I'm a man

So are you living up to your wife’s standards?

My fiance is a man. Not sure what his thoughts are regarding my refusal to separate my laundry by color and my use of basic detergent

And this is why DH and I do our own laundry.

I agree with the statement to let DH do it as if I were dead (aka not around). He is a grown man, he can figure some stuff out himself, and he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

This is key. A lot of women want their husbands to do it their way - the perfect way. No, shut up and let him do it the same way he would if you were dead. Then you get an involved partner.

Omg, this is hilarious.

Yet, its true. A man will let laundry pile up for a week or two then get around to it. He'll mix colors. He'll just use a basic detergent. Its fine.

A woman wants laundry done on a schedule 3x a week with the clothes separated and then sorted into their respective owners rooms and storage.

Both are ways of getting it done. You want it perfect - do it yourself.

I do. In fact I beg my DH not to touch the laundry.

[Anonymous]

^ my husband does all laundry. I’m not up to his standards.

[Anonymous]

This thread illustrates why things are hard for women, and women are making it harder on other women: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/927520.page

[Anonymous]

Yes true but I think it's more complicated than simply saying "men need to step up more." That is true and I try to get my husband to do more. For example, today he is supposed to do a math lesson with our 5th grader during his lunch. Could I do it? Sure, but I want DH to participate in their schooling too.

The complication is - men typically earn more than women. In our case, my husband earns over 10x what I do. So our economic incentive is for us to do whatever we can to protect his job vs mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Women's relationship satisfaction depends on equal household duties, while men's depends on partner's communication

Interesting. Was married 10 years with 3 kids, both phds, made what I thought was an equal contribution with kids etc - she never complained. I contributed 100% house down payment and bought cars etc. She had an affair with co- worker and we’re divorced. So I don’t think I agree with this statement or the OP !

Did you schedule doctor's appointments, get the medical forms filled out and sent to schools, camps? Schedule camps, classes, playdates? Drive them to all their practices and playdates? Schedule and keep parent/teacher conferences? Cook, clean, grocery shop? Clean, fold, and put laundry away? Make sure they had clothes and shoes that fit each year? Order their text books every fall? I could go on and on. You had no idea of the extent of jobs that mothers do that fathers are completely oblivious to.

I do all of the above as a single dad, and it's easy. Much easier than my job.

I did most of the above while married to an angry, controlling harpy. That wasn't easy, and the worse part was having my kids watch me work hard at home, doing laundry, cleaning, or cooking, then having their mother come home and yell at me, in front of them, about what a terrible job I did.

[Anonymous]

Of my 7 best friends (mid 30s, working moms, kids 0-6yo), every marriage is about 55% mom, 45% dad and no one complains. We all have attentive, involved, capable partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Accurate. There are actual studies on this.

The solution is for men to step up.

RBG’s and Kamala’s husbands stepped up.

Pretty sure RBG had hired help at home..

And what did Kamala's DH step up to? They married late in life and don't have kids. Either way, he isn't home scrubbing toilets

Exactly. Kamala doesn’t have biological children. When she married her husband, her step kids weren’t kids. So she hasn’t gone any child rearing or taken on those kind of responsibilities or stress. And she has only been married a few years.

So? Let's please not tear down the first female VP because she is not a biological mother. She is a step mother and that counts as extra work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Accurate. There are actual studies on this.

The solution is for men to step up.

RBG’s and Kamala’s husbands stepped up.

Pretty sure RBG had hired help at home..

And what did Kamala's DH step up to? They married late in life and don't have kids. Either way, he isn't home scrubbing toilets

RBG spoke about having to tell the school that her son had two parents and to alternate calls.

My BFF is a surgeon and her kids' schools know not to call her for any reason whatsoever. They don't even have her private cell number.

That's the way to go. Just say no to others' expectations of you. She has a nanny and a husband. Those two can figure it out between them.

She is such the stereotypical "husband" in her marriage, it delights me to see it play out. She is truly a badass. Me, not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been this way for generations.

No, it has not. Maybe for working class women, yes. But for middle to upper middle to upper class women, no. My mother's generation was not expected to hold a professional full-time job outside the home and be a mother. Now it is expected that women do both. It completely sucks. Men do not do their share of domestic work and in many families both men and women work outside the home. The result is that the mom has two full-time jobs. This did not happen in previous generations. Women were not expected to be equal or close to equal providers and raise children at the same time.

I mean...you can still be a stay-at-home wife if you want. There’s no law that you have to work.

Oh - you can’t afford three annual vacations to Greece and Thailand and the Alps without working + two cars + college for three kids. Oh well.

We can but I still work because I'm not a totally useless slacker leech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

You have zero idea of the bolded is true. Zero. Divorce with children is a big, big deal, and it’s so much easier to say what you’d do when you’ve never faced this situation. I’m not even in a position where I’m considering it, but I have enough friends who have to see up close that it’s nowhere near as simple as you make it out to be.

Point two: plenty of people discuss this stuff during dating, and then things change once they have kids. People get sick, or have a kid who activates certain tendencies, or just find it a hell of a lot more stressful than they anticipated. You can talk beforehand until you’re blue in the face; if you haven’t had to deal with things changing in the moment, have some empathy for those who have.

Point three, sure.