Working women are getting the shaft

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 21 years, working full-time for 18 of them (took off 3 1/2 years when kids were very young). My husband has not worked in over 7 years, yet has never booked a single doctor's appointment, orthodontist, teacher conference, playdate (okay, well we don't do those anymore), or outing. He doesn't know what classes our kids take, when their practice times are--or possibly even what sports they play. Doesn't know who their friends are. He doesn't grocery shop, cook, or do laundry. He thinks he cleans the house by running the vaccuum once a week, but refuses to clean bathrooms--and won't allow us to hire a house cleaner. The only time he leaves the house is to walk the dog and every now and then to pick up our daughter from somewhere if I ask nicely. Last night, he canceled Hulu--he canceled our cable years ago--because he says it's gotten too expensive. He yells at me about our credit card bill every single month, even though I pay 100% of it. I pay for 75% of everything. He contributes the rest from his very large trust fund. You all don't even know uneven or the depths of resentment that a wife treated so unfairly can feel. If you see your future starting to look like this, start saving money now and get out!

Why are you still married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Women's relationship satisfaction depends on equal household duties, while men's depends on partner's communication

Interesting. Was married 10 years with 3 kids, both phds, made what I thought was an equal contribution with kids etc - she never complained. I contributed 100% house down payment and bought cars etc. She had an affair with co- worker and we’re divorced. So I don’t think I agree with this statement or the OP !

Did you schedule doctor's appointments, get the medical forms filled out and sent to schools, camps? Schedule camps, classes, playdates? Drive them to all their practices and playdates? Schedule and keep parent/teacher conferences? Cook, clean, grocery shop? Clean, fold, and put laundry away? Make sure they had clothes and shoes that fit each year? Order their text books every fall? I could go on and on. You had no idea of the extent of jobs that mothers do that fathers are completely oblivious to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 21 years, working full-time for 18 of them (took off 3 1/2 years when kids were very young). My husband has not worked in over 7 years, yet has never booked a single doctor's appointment, orthodontist, teacher conference, playdate (okay, well we don't do those anymore), or outing. He doesn't know what classes our kids take, when their practice times are--or possibly even what sports they play. Doesn't know who their friends are. He doesn't grocery shop, cook, or do laundry. He thinks he cleans the house by running the vaccuum once a week, but refuses to clean bathrooms--and won't allow us to hire a house cleaner. The only time he leaves the house is to walk the dog and every now and then to pick up our daughter from somewhere if I ask nicely. Last night, he canceled Hulu--he canceled our cable years ago--because he says it's gotten too expensive. He yells at me about our credit card bill every single month, even though I pay 100% of it. I pay for 75% of everything. He contributes the rest from his very large trust fund. You all don't even know uneven or the depths of resentment that a wife treated so unfairly can feel. If you see your future starting to look like this, start saving money now and get out!

So why haven’t you left?

[Anonymous]

I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been this way for generations.

No, it has not. Maybe for working class women, yes. But for middle to upper middle to upper class women, no. My mother's generation was not expected to hold a professional full-time job outside the home and be a mother. Now it is expected that women do both. It completely sucks. Men do not do their share of domestic work and in many families both men and women work outside the home. The result is that the mom has two full-time jobs. This did not happen in previous generations. Women were not expected to be equal or close to equal providers and raise children at the same time.

I come from many generations of working class people and no, women were not expected to be equal providers. Did they work, sure, but not 40+ hours a week. Both my grandmothers were day-shift waitresses while their kids were in class. My aunts cleaned houses, or babysat, or other kinds of family-friendly, flexible part time work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Accurate. There are actual studies on this.

The solution is for men to step up.

RBG’s and Kamala’s husbands stepped up.

Pretty sure RBG had hired help at home..

And what did Kamala's DH step up to? They married late in life and don't have kids. Either way, he isn't home scrubbing toilets

RBG spoke about having to tell the school that her son had two parents and to alternate calls.

Yes. And her husband was the one going to her office at 9pm and trying to drag her home. She was a workaholic. But she took off to care for him during his cancer when they were young. They were very supportive of one another. She was a notoriously bad cook as her kids and husband state so he cooked dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

This is key. A lot of women want their husbands to do it their way - the perfect way. No, shut up and let him do it the same way he would if you were dead. Then you get an involved partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

No, you wouldn't. You would not break up your family, halve time with your kid, give up your otherwise-happy marriage with a man who loves you, over emotional labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 21 years, working full-time for 18 of them (took off 3 1/2 years when kids were very young). My husband has not worked in over 7 years, yet has never booked a single doctor's appointment, orthodontist, teacher conference, playdate (okay, well we don't do those anymore), or outing. He doesn't know what classes our kids take, when their practice times are--or possibly even what sports they play. Doesn't know who their friends are. He doesn't grocery shop, cook, or do laundry. He thinks he cleans the house by running the vaccuum once a week, but refuses to clean bathrooms--and won't allow us to hire a house cleaner. The only time he leaves the house is to walk the dog and every now and then to pick up our daughter from somewhere if I ask nicely. Last night, he canceled Hulu--he canceled our cable years ago--because he says it's gotten too expensive. He yells at me about our credit card bill every single month, even though I pay 100% of it. I pay for 75% of everything. He contributes the rest from his very large trust fund. You all don't even know uneven or the depths of resentment that a wife treated so unfairly can feel. If you see your future starting to look like this, start saving money now and get out!

Why are you still married?

Can't afford a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

No, you wouldn't. You would not break up your family, halve time with your kid, give up your otherwise-happy marriage with a man who loves you, over emotional labor.

It's not emotional labor. Its physical labor. Cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, meal prep, child-minding, etc is literal back-breaking labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 21 years, working full-time for 18 of them (took off 3 1/2 years when kids were very young). My husband has not worked in over 7 years, yet has never booked a single doctor's appointment, orthodontist, teacher conference, playdate (okay, well we don't do those anymore), or outing. He doesn't know what classes our kids take, when their practice times are--or possibly even what sports they play. Doesn't know who their friends are. He doesn't grocery shop, cook, or do laundry. He thinks he cleans the house by running the vaccuum once a week, but refuses to clean bathrooms--and won't allow us to hire a house cleaner. The only time he leaves the house is to walk the dog and every now and then to pick up our daughter from somewhere if I ask nicely. Last night, he canceled Hulu--he canceled our cable years ago--because he says it's gotten too expensive. He yells at me about our credit card bill every single month, even though I pay 100% of it. I pay for 75% of everything. He contributes the rest from his very large trust fund. You all don't even know uneven or the depths of resentment that a wife treated so unfairly can feel. If you see your future starting to look like this, start saving money now and get out!

Why are you still married?

Can't afford a divorce.

I'm seriously curious. He has a trust and a continuous income from that. You wouldn't owe him spousal support would you? Obviously he can buy his own house and he would get whatever equity portion he contributed to the marital home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

A lot of women just don't realize the extent that they have to think about this before getting into a marriage. A lot had parents in more traditional marriages and don't realize how things have changed with more women working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

This is key. A lot of women want their husbands to do it their way - the perfect way. No, shut up and let him do it the same way he would if you were dead. Then you get an involved partner.

Maybe some men would eventually figure it out, by my husband just never learns. After YEARS of being primarily responsible for laundry, our laundry is still a constant crisis. Like, kids going to school in dirty clothes, daughter this morning leaving with a lightweight tee shirt under a winter coat because she has no long sleeved shirts and toddler wearing shoes without socks level DH never actually "engaging."

[Anonymous]

Its also expectations in the labor market. Its a cultural issue.

My DH is actually helpful but he is consistently expected to work normal hours and beyond even knowing that we had a toddler without childcare. There is no flexibility and he works in the fed government. When I brought up applying for COVID leave, he stated 2 issues:

1. He is new as of January and no one else has taken it in his department
2. Even if he takes the leave, he is still expected to complete tasks by supervisor deadlines

His particular office has issues with too many chefs and awful management styles. One supervisor will make a meeting at 11:30 for 1pm. So say you take leave from 11-2 to perform your childcare part- well youve just missed an important meeting and aren't going to get a good review.

Many managers and supervisors are either the only working spouse OR they make enough to have nannies and extra help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got one of those rare marriages where my husband actually does half, it's amazing, and I feel awful for everyone else. You truly have my sympathies. Especially those who had husbands who seemed to be doing their half before marriage/kids and then it all fell apart. Totally sucks.

That said:

1) I would not put up with it. Do your half or I'm out. It's not something I would learn to live with.

2) I also knew when dating that this is a big issue, so I was looking for someone who would do this, and we had LOTS of conversations about it while dating, engaged, newlywed, and pregnant.

3) There is an element of giving up control that you need to accept to have this marriage. My husband is in charge of all baby food. He does NOT do it the way I would - not as many veggies. Everything is store bought Gerber. He's introduced foods a bit willy-nilly, without following a plan or anything. But I don't say a damn word. Because it's done, it's great, and I literally just feed my kid what my husband puts on the counter for me. I never even think about it. That's a win.

This is key. A lot of women want their husbands to do it their way - the perfect way. No, shut up and let him do it the same way he would if you were dead. Then you get an involved partner.

Omg, this is hilarious.