Any happy sexless marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster, man here. Almost sexless marriage early 40s. Would not break up our marriage over sex, but I miss the flirting and romance. I try to be a good husband, make good money, still in okay shape, listen to her but she seems content to just be roommates with kids. My self worth has definitely taken a dive, but I know deep down it’s probably some hormonal shift with her body. Any advice?

No, but just know you are not alone. This is my story too, word for word. Hang in man, hopefully it will pass.

I am surprised no one in this thread has mentioned resentment over household tasks. As a NP, female, I'd suggest considering if this is an issue in your relationship. Pandemic/work at home /virtual schooling has hit many very hard. It's tough to see one parent (man) do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt it, op.
I think people think they can be happy and may be happy for a time, but then they realize that they want to be with a person who is interested in them as a romantic/sexual person and they can’t just “go and find a girl” like that song from the 1960’s says. This applies to women too, there is another song that says “grab a guy”.

You can’t do that when you are married at least not unless you want to be called a horn dog, a dirty old man, a wh**re. If you are single, you are “going out with a nice ladyy” “spending time with a gentleman” same behaviors, same goal, very different language.

I think it isn’t so much about the type of sex. If you are feeling down and a friend or coworker says “well, it’s Friday, go home and spend time with your spouse” and you think “My spouse is more interested in reading a book then spending time with me” or “my spouse won’t even kiss me when I walk in the door”, you realize that not everybody lives that way and start to wonder why you should.

Add to this the nasty comments on this board “your spouse won’t even go to bed with you, what’s wrong with you!” or “up your game” or “try harder” or “go to counseling” while also thinking “my spouse is someone who wanted to marry and stay married, they aren’t a person I’ve had a couple dates with, why can’t they treat me like a romantic and sexual being or end the marriage”

I say all this with a broad definition of sex. I don’t care what people do and don’t do. I do care that they feel cherished in a marital relationship. That can be done in all kinds of ways. Generally though when someone describes their marriage as sexless, it means no romantic or sexual feelings are expressed or allowed to be expressed. If people are happy in their marriage, they don’t describe it as sexless.

FFS, it's different language when one is single because there is NO DECEIT and you aren't exposing a spouse to STIs or risking your kids and family being stalked or humiliated if and when AP becomes psycho and decides to tell them what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.

Is it criticism or is she trying to guide you? She comes first and come as you are are both really good books. You might look at communication too. It sounds like you’re both really frustrated.

I'm okay with guidance and in fact want it. If she said go right, i would be fine with that or guided me with her hands, that is fine. She instead criticizes, is impatient and says she is not my teacher. Thus, no sex for us.

What is normal communication like? Outside of this. Do you normally need everything explained with specificity?

Guess what, that guy isn’t telepathic. If you want something, use your words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a sexless marriage. I have ED. When we had sex DW would criticize me and shame me in bed, as I am less experienced. Criticism does not help with ED. VIagra doesn't help when I feel self-conscious and criticized. I would do oral but again I get criticized. Getting tips and requests are fine but being told to google it and that I should know and am pretending to be ignorant to get out of it is not helpful.

Is it criticism or is she trying to guide you? She comes first and come as you are are both really good books. You might look at communication too. It sounds like you’re both really frustrated.

I'm okay with guidance and in fact want it. If she said go right, i would be fine with that or guided me with her hands, that is fine. She instead criticizes, is impatient and says she is not my teacher. Thus, no sex for us.

What is normal communication like? Outside of this. Do you normally need everything explained with specificity?

Guess what, that guy isn’t telepathic. If you want something, use your words.

Maybe she has. Resentment can go both ways. Maybe she’s been clear and he can’t synthesize the info. Like someone who can’t follow in dance, no matter the approach. At some point you stop trying to teach to preserve your own sanity. Need grows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster, man here. Almost sexless marriage early 40s. Would not break up our marriage over sex, but I miss the flirting and romance. I try to be a good husband, make good money, still in okay shape, listen to her but she seems content to just be roommates with kids. My self worth has definitely taken a dive, but I know deep down it’s probably some hormonal shift with her body. Any advice?

No, but just know you are not alone. This is my story too, word for word. Hang in man, hopefully it will pass.

Absolutely terrible advice ^^. Hope is not a strategy, and failure to plan is a plan to fail. Address this like you would any urgent existential threat to your relationship, which it is. Surely you realize a normal healthy man cannot go without sex, and if you do not resolve this (quickly) divorce is certain.

Challenge your wife to explain (in clear/actionable terms) EXACTLY what prevents her from wanting a normal active sex life, and ask her to participate in making whatever joint changes are necessary to resume a normal active marital sex life (twice per week). If she persists in wanting to be your room mate, then open the marriage, and go get a girlfriend. Sexless is not sustainable so you must take some action to prevent divorce.