Therapy for Infidelity

[Anonymous]

“When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can’t make them change if they don’t want to, just like when they do want to, you can’t stop them.”

Andy Warhol

The onus is on the cheater. Period.

They have to be committed to leading an honorable and decent life without lies. They have to dig deep and decide to stay or go and if they want to change. Then, they have years of individual work to do while also lots of work to do to make up to the people they love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Talking and doing fun things is NOT going to change anything. You might get short term joy. That's it. WTF? I am so disappointed in therapy. This is such bullsh*t.

If he has narcissistic tendencies, histrionic disorder, bpd or any of these major mental health issues that are a direct result of childhood trauma, just doing 'fun' things is doing NOTHING.

He needs deep individual work and a very strong desire to want to change himself. He needs to hit rock bottom and want to get out.

Any person that thinks they 'got away with it'. A few weeks or a couple months of stress/remorse, and then loving spouse who forgives and they hysterically bond with lots of sex...IS JUST GOING TO DO IT AGAIN. The next time, he/she is going to be even more careful and they have learned where their weak point was at getting caught. IF it was a phone bill, well yeah they will never use phone again--they will use Skype or some other means that leaves no trace, etc.

Also, you as the victim will return to natural resentment for being lied to and deceived. After the honeymoon glow wears off, you will remember what he did and you will withdraw (even unintentionally).

Individual therapy with separate therapists is paramount for both of you. No talk of reconciliation.

This is very good advice and basically lays out what happened to me between my exH’s 1st and 2nd affair. He did not change, He was completely incapable. Honesty, I hated people who said this after the first time I went through it, but I’ll say it anyway - CUT YOUR LOSSES AND LEAVE. Even if he does change, it is so so so hard to get over. And let’s be honest, he likely won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Talking and doing fun things is NOT going to change anything. You might get short term joy. That's it. WTF? I am so disappointed in therapy. This is such bullsh*t.

If he has narcissistic tendencies, histrionic disorder, bpd or any of these major mental health issues that are a direct result of childhood trauma, just doing 'fun' things is doing NOTHING.

He needs deep individual work and a very strong desire to want to change himself. He needs to hit rock bottom and want to get out.

Any person that thinks they 'got away with it'. A few weeks or a couple months of stress/remorse, and then loving spouse who forgives and they hysterically bond with lots of sex...IS JUST GOING TO DO IT AGAIN. The next time, he/she is going to be even more careful and they have learned where their weak point was at getting caught. IF it was a phone bill, well yeah they will never use phone again--they will use Skype or some other means that leaves no trace, etc.

Also, you as the victim will return to natural resentment for being lied to and deceived. After the honeymoon glow wears off, you will remember what he did and you will withdraw (even unintentionally).

Individual therapy with separate therapists is paramount for both of you. No talk of reconciliation.

This is very good advice and basically lays out what happened to me between my exH’s 1st and 2nd affair. He did not change, He was completely incapable. Honesty, I hated people who said this after the first time I went through it, but I’ll say it anyway - CUT YOUR LOSSES AND LEAVE. Even if he does change, it is so so so hard to get over. And let’s be honest, he likely won’t.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Talking and doing fun things is NOT going to change anything. You might get short term joy. That's it. WTF? I am so disappointed in therapy. This is such bullsh*t.

If he has narcissistic tendencies, histrionic disorder, bpd or any of these major mental health issues that are a direct result of childhood trauma, just doing 'fun' things is doing NOTHING.

He needs deep individual work and a very strong desire to want to change himself. He needs to hit rock bottom and want to get out.

Any person that thinks they 'got away with it'. A few weeks or a couple months of stress/remorse, and then loving spouse who forgives and they hysterically bond with lots of sex...IS JUST GOING TO DO IT AGAIN. The next time, he/she is going to be even more careful and they have learned where their weak point was at getting caught. IF it was a phone bill, well yeah they will never use phone again--they will use Skype or some other means that leaves no trace, etc.

Also, you as the victim will return to natural resentment for being lied to and deceived. After the honeymoon glow wears off, you will remember what he did and you will withdraw (even unintentionally).

Individual therapy with separate therapists is paramount for both of you. No talk of reconciliation.

This is very good advice and basically lays out what happened to me between my exH’s 1st and 2nd affair. He did not change, He was completely incapable. Honesty, I hated people who said this after the first time I went through it, but I’ll say it anyway - CUT YOUR LOSSES AND LEAVE. Even if he does change, it is so so so hard to get over. And let’s be honest, he likely won’t.

This.

Honestly, when I first found out about my then DH’s infidelity, I visited one of the best DC divorce attorneys. This is what she said to me - cut your losses. People who do this rarely become healthy. Cut your loses. You are young (at 37) and you can create a new life for yourself.

Of course, I didn’t listen. I wasted another two years in that relationship. The only good thing about staying longer was that I had zero regrets about finally leaving. In 15 years, I have never regretted leaving. I only regretted not doing it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geeez, get out of the marriage already! Like yesterday. Adultry = divorce. Always.

Often true, but not always. Sometimes it's pretty clear that that's the way to go, but many folks want to spend at least a little time figuring out what went wrong.

Yes we're catholic (or at least thought we both were). No divorce in either family. It's a big deal.

Not as big a deal as putting up with a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Talking and doing fun things is NOT going to change anything. You might get short term joy. That's it. WTF? I am so disappointed in therapy. This is such bullsh*t.

If he has narcissistic tendencies, histrionic disorder, bpd or any of these major mental health issues that are a direct result of childhood trauma, just doing 'fun' things is doing NOTHING.

He needs deep individual work and a very strong desire to want to change himself. He needs to hit rock bottom and want to get out.

Any person that thinks they 'got away with it'. A few weeks or a couple months of stress/remorse, and then loving spouse who forgives and they hysterically bond with lots of sex...IS JUST GOING TO DO IT AGAIN. The next time, he/she is going to be even more careful and they have learned where their weak point was at getting caught. IF it was a phone bill, well yeah they will never use phone again--they will use Skype or some other means that leaves no trace, etc.

Also, you as the victim will return to natural resentment for being lied to and deceived. After the honeymoon glow wears off, you will remember what he did and you will withdraw (even unintentionally).

Individual therapy with separate therapists is paramount for both of you. No talk of reconciliation.

This is very good advice and basically lays out what happened to me between my exH’s 1st and 2nd affair. He did not change, He was completely incapable. Honesty, I hated people who said this after the first time I went through it, but I’ll say it anyway - CUT YOUR LOSSES AND LEAVE. Even if he does change, it is so so so hard to get over. And let’s be honest, he likely won’t.

This.

+ 1,000 Exactly.

[Anonymous]

As I said I am not leaving unless forced or somehow can’t handle the situation till my oldest graduates high school. I will feel better as well knowing for sure it’s the right decision. I am not that young and a couple of years likely won’t matter in the long run. I will look for a better therapist and ask him the questions posted here. Lots of people leave their spouses after a child leaves the house. It wouldn’t be that awkward then either.

[Anonymous]

Also a divorce attorney doesn’t necessarily have best interests in mind because they make more money with a divorce. Similar to this therapist making more money the longer the therapy goes. Hard to find an honest outsider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t not sound helpful or productive. In fact, it sounds tremendously damaging, compounding your pain by gaslighting your into believing it’s not that big a deal. Toxic positivity at its worst. No, you are not going to find “joy in the journey” right now.

I would find a new therapist, STAT.

yes it feels like toxic positivity. I will look for another therapist then. Thanks.

Look for a therapist that has extensive experience with betrayal trauma and PTSD, or bereavement. You have encountered, and are experiencing, and will continue to experience, a very significant loss. Your DH is not who you thought he was, and therefore your life is not what you thought it was. Your DH lied and that's how he copes with his life. To survive, with you in his life, he has to learn a whole new set of coping mechanisms. For you to survive, you have to learn how to cope with your grief. Time does not heal grief, time can only allow for different perspectives to hopefully emerge, and evolve, regarding loss.

I'm sorry you are going through this situation unexpectedly. No one plans for themselves to be betrayed. It's a horrible, unfathomable reality until it happens.

"Why Won't You Apologize" is another book to consider for some grounded advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I said I am not leaving unless forced or somehow can’t handle the situation till my oldest graduates high school. I will feel better as well knowing for sure it’s the right decision. I am not that young and a couple of years likely won’t matter in the long run. I will look for a better therapist and ask him the questions posted here. Lots of people leave their spouses after a child leaves the house. It wouldn’t be that awkward then either.

My cheating ex DW was a compulsive liar and had issues with her family both of which I only discovered through marriage counseling. But I will join the chorus and say that in general it’s a waste of time and just serves to benefit the cheater. If I had my time again I would go to individual counseling first. You need to figure your own goals and look at ‘you’. That way you can make a more informed decision about about your choice to stay or leave. Btw I don’t get why you’d stay until the kid leaves. It sounds good in theory but gains you nothing in the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Your religion/religious upbringing is part of the problem. I hope you are raising your kids differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

OP. He definitely has issues with sex, yes that have manifested itself in different ways throughout the marriage. And he has an issue with lying which is mental health related. They are likely both mental health related. He wasn't looking for a relationship, just sex. As far as I know nothing ever actually happened. He just fantasized about it. It's a type of addiction to porn as I understand it. It's related to depression I've been told. So the talking about fun things is actually helpful, but it needs to be part of a bigger treatment that involves dealing with more difficult issues. IMO.

Your religion/religious upbringing is part of the problem. I hope you are raising your kids differently.

DP. Oh really? That’s rich. My ex had zero religious upbringing, wasn’t even baptized and was a filthy cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I said I am not leaving unless forced or somehow can’t handle the situation till my oldest graduates high school. I will feel better as well knowing for sure it’s the right decision. I am not that young and a couple of years likely won’t matter in the long run. I will look for a better therapist and ask him the questions posted here. Lots of people leave their spouses after a child leaves the house. It wouldn’t be that awkward then either.

My cheating ex DW was a compulsive liar and had issues with her family both of which I only discovered through marriage counseling. But I will join the chorus and say that in general it’s a waste of time and just serves to benefit the cheater. If I had my time again I would go to individual counseling first. You need to figure your own goals and look at ‘you’. That way you can make a more informed decision about about your choice to stay or leave. Btw I don’t get why you’d stay until the kid leaves. It sounds good in theory but gains you nothing in the long term.

Because other than the cheating he is a good husband and father. He tells me he loves me and is working to improve. He does a lot for us all, takes care of the house, finances, drop offs, and our special needs child needs a lot of help. The cheating has stopped or at least I don't know about it and its minimized if at all. I just don't have the time. It's an issue that hasn't gone away, but life still goes on.

[Anonymous]

My older child has similar behavior to my husband and I don't want the same outcome for him. The more I can keep his life stable and keep all of this away from him for a couple of years, the better I think he will be going off to college and into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I'm still really pissed that my DH decided to do this in the middle of a pandemic as if we didn't have enough going on. It does allow me some time away from others though to process although it is very lonely as well. Less interruptions to take my mind off it. I found an individual therapist who is helping me process it.