Men: Do You Care If Your Wife Makes Less Than You?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a big deal if your wife makes less than you? Do you expect her to take on more household responsibilities because of it?

I make less than my husband but we work the same amount of hours in our careers. Why do you think I should pick up more of the drudgery of housework and do more laundry and dishes just because I went into a less lucrative field than him? Wtf. How patriarchal of you!

Well, what about this scenario: My DH decided he wanted to start various non-profits/businesses and/or write a book. So, he works full time on these projects and makes $0. Is it patriarchal for me to expect he does more around the house? What if he made $10k?

What you described were hobbies not jobs, so yes, the person without a job should do more chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh cares and wants me to change jobs for a more demanding higher paying one. We have 2 kids and i do most of the work. I told him I’d make a change but he needs to fully understand what that means for him. FWIW he already makes about 6-7 times than I do and I’m in low six fig. He thinks all the financial burden is gonna fall on him even though we live so modestly. It’s very frustrating.

NP, my DH is like this too. He makes WAY more than I do and definitely has been the breadwinner. However, I've left jobs to move states with him multiple times, and cut off my salary at the knees as a result while he has pursued his aspirations in his own career. I've been the one over time to handle all the household and childcare duties outside of work and have had to go part-time for some years to handle it all. All this was fine with him and he considered this collateral damage for him making a bunch of money and moving up in his field.

He wants me to "lean in" and find a higher-paying job with more responsibility/prestige, but he's got complete cognitive dissonance when it comes to the time it takes to do my non-professional responsibilities in our house. As if I wouldn't want to be the Director of something or make a rewarding career for myself. I've told him before that what he wants for me would be very difficult to commit to under the current division of duties. He mostly brushes it off but will later suggest I am not reaching my "full potential." Meanwhile when I approached him a couple months ago about a potentially new job (making about the same but better professionally for where I want to go), he said something like "make sure it's flexible like your job now" with the implication of course that things will still fall to me.

Sounds like he wants to have it both ways. I seriously doubt he is concerned about you “living up to your potential” or the money. It’s the prestige. Not an easy issue to address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the bigger question is if men care about their wive’s salary level at all. Because I have never met a man put his wife’s career on a pedestal. Occasionally, I know men that are specifically looking for fellow ambitious women, but it’s a rarity.

Some men put the career of their spouse in high regard. DH brags about my career all the time (reserve military officer). He’s very supportive and jokes he can’t wait until I’m a general. My civilian salary is more than his as well. He’d be really disappointed if I decided to be a SAHM and our household income plummeted.

My husband also brags about my job. I’m a scientist in a STEM field, make a good salary. He’s proud of it.

I make more than my husband and have a managerial job in the same field he is in. He’s not hesitant to point out to kids or others any of this. I, however, like many others on this forum am stuck dealing with 90% of kid-related things and a lot more around the house although he does have entire areas carved out that are his responsibility so I do less than some women I know. I will say, too, and I’ve seen this in other families, his involvement with kids has declined substantially as they have gotten older and are more independent. He spent loads of time with them when they were babies and toddlers and elementary school age. Way less know that they are middle school high school. Meaning that now I’m doing way, way more than that including marshaling DL for the younger one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman but my husband doesn’t care. I make $80k/year and he is an MD making $450k/year. We have 2 young kids ( 2.5 and 3 months old) and I do most of the day-to-day childcare and manage the household. He takes care of most of the finances but I manage everything else - cleaning, cooking, groceries, etc. He is very involved when our kids and helps out with cooking and cleaning, but I do most of it. Not to sound too 1950’s housewife but I love it. I enjoy being needed and taking care of my family. I find it more fulfilling than my career.

There is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing wrong with it at all, except if I were in your shoes I am not sure I would work more than 30 hours per week with the majority of household things on my plate. I work 50-60 hours per week and DH is a full partner at home because if he wasn’t I would just die of exhaustion. I never look at this problem in terms of money but rather leisure time. Money can be inequitable in marriage but resentment starts to stew when LEISURE is inequitable.

[Anonymous]

Weird question. My DW makes something like 25x less than me. So what? She likes her job and I love her. We’re very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the bigger question is if men care about their wive’s salary level at all. Because I have never met a man put his wife’s career on a pedestal. Occasionally, I know men that are specifically looking for fellow ambitious women, but it’s a rarity.

Some men put the career of their spouse in high regard. DH brags about my career all the time (reserve military officer). He’s very supportive and jokes he can’t wait until I’m a general. My civilian salary is more than his as well. He’d be really disappointed if I decided to be a SAHM and our household income plummeted.

My husband also brags about my job. I’m a scientist in a STEM field, make a good salary. He’s proud of it.

My husband brags about my job as well, probably opposite OP’s situation - I am the corporate one, he is the scientist in academia. He is genuinely proud of me and supports me. He will pick up the slack without hesitation if I have to travel or work late. He is super proud of me (out of proportion to what is warranted to be honest, haha, but I’ll take it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird question. My DW makes something like 25x less than me. So what? She likes her job and I love her. We’re very happy.

25 times less is a lot...

This is why it isn’t a “weird” question: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cnbc.com/amp/2019/11/20/study-men-get-more-stressed-when-their-wives-make-more-money.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dh cares and wants me to change jobs for a more demanding higher paying one. We have 2 kids and i do most of the work. I told him I’d make a change but he needs to fully understand what that means for him. FWIW he already makes about 6-7 times than I do and I’m in low six fig. He thinks all the financial burden is gonna fall on him even though we live so modestly. It’s very frustrating.

NP, my DH is like this too. He makes WAY more than I do and definitely has been the breadwinner. However, I've left jobs to move states with him multiple times, and cut off my salary at the knees as a result while he has pursued his aspirations in his own career. I've been the one over time to handle all the household and childcare duties outside of work and have had to go part-time for some years to handle it all. All this was fine with him and he considered this collateral damage for him making a bunch of money and moving up in his field.

He wants me to "lean in" and find a higher-paying job with more responsibility/prestige, but he's got complete cognitive dissonance when it comes to the time it takes to do my non-professional responsibilities in our house. As if I wouldn't want to be the Director of something or make a rewarding career for myself. I've told him before that what he wants for me would be very difficult to commit to under the current division of duties. He mostly brushes it off but will later suggest I am not reaching my "full potential." Meanwhile when I approached him a couple months ago about a potentially new job (making about the same but better professionally for where I want to go), he said something like "make sure it's flexible like your job now" with the implication of course that things will still fall to me.

Ugh. Punch him for me.

[Anonymous]

No, I don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird question. My DW makes something like 25x less than me. So what? She likes her job and I love her. We’re very happy.

The pint is women have this choice to tap out and draft. Men do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird question. My DW makes something like 25x less than me. So what? She likes her job and I love her. We’re very happy.

The pint is women have this choice to tap out and draft. Men do not.

Just checking ... this was intended to be a serial exploration of beer puns, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird question. My DW makes something like 25x less than me. So what? She likes her job and I love her. We’re very happy.

The pint is women have this choice to tap out and draft. Men do not.

Just checking ... this was intended to be a serial exploration of beer puns, right?

I’m the 25x poster. The above is not my point. I love what I do, and she loves (or likes enough) what she does. It’s OUR money and OUR life, 50/50. If she made more, great, if I made less (which I did for a long time, and we’re closer on salary), great. Yes, money makes things easier, but we’ve reached as close to equilibrium as I think any similarly situated couple can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird question. My DW makes something like 25x less than me. So what? She likes her job and I love her. We’re very happy.

The pint is women have this choice to tap out and draft. Men do not.

Men do have this choice. They don’t make it though because OTHER MEN look down on them when they do, not women. Most women married to lower earning men working long hours would prefer that the men tap out of coaching high school football or whatever they are doing that is so time consuming, low paying, and beloved, and do the things that the lower earning women in this thread do (childcare, maintaining the house, organizing social activities).
But men don’t want to give up being a high school football coach to come home and watch the kids and make dinner every night while his wife works late. And it’s not because their WIVES would be upset or lose respect for them. It’s because their buddies would.

[Anonymous]

Did any of the men who are ok with their wives making less get married 35 plus. I make less but married at 38 and changed jobs since we met which has been a sore spot in discussions. I wonder if the age of the partners when they met has something to do with the expectations of feeling of the spouse making more.

[Anonymous]

I make 100% of our income. My wife gets to stay home and care for only one kid who's in second grade. Life nice even though she complains about "doing dishes" and "doing laundry". Yeah, tough stuff - LOL. I've been that for over 25 years!!!