When Bad Things Happen to Sanctimonious Mothers

[Anonymous]

One of my friends was very into breastfeeding because she had a history of breast cancer in her family. Unfortunately she still got cancer due to genetic mutations.

I choose to be compassionate in this situation. She got cancer due to bad genetics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As a special needs mom, I'm speechless.

What are your special needs and why do they interfere with your ability to speak?

I loled. Unless the special needs this mom has is being a sanctimommy, this thread isn’t about her!

OP is positing that people who are sanctimonious are punished by having bad things happen to their kids. It's profoundly ableist and has implications for the experiences PP's kids will have in the world.

She's not saying that bad things happen to their kids, only that they (the sanctimonious parent) struggles with parenting their kid later on. That 'bad' stuff could be as run of the mill as the kid rebeling against everything the parent wanted for them (goes into a job field the parent doesn't view as prestigious, isn't interested in sports). She didn't say anything about the kids having something actually bad happen to them.

And yet something bad happening to a kid is a situation in which the parent is sure to struggle.

As I said, it's ableist. OP wasn't thinking about how the things she said would register on someone who has a kid with significant challenges--she had no intent. But she did have an impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moms who are really sanctimonious and smug are almost always covering for something. They are sharing their greatest successes (or the things they just got lucky with, like a great sleeper) specifically because they feel insecure about other stuff. The minute you realize this, they become easier to take because it's not about you. Just nod and say "Oh wow, it is amazing that your child has never even encountered a screen in its first four years of life -- congrats!" and then move along.

But I don't think these mom are then destined to have some parenting crisis befall them. I think thy'll deal with the same stuff everyone deals with. I just think it can be harder to deal with it if you are also dealing with insecurities and shame so intense you walk around trying to convince everyone that you are a parenting expert with all the answers. No one is! That's the great thing about it.

I find it easy to talk to and relate to other parents because I view us as all in this messy experiment together. If someone comes across something that "works" and I'm struggling, I'll try it! And I have no issue sharing both my challenges and my triumphs. It's normal. That's how friendship should work anyway.

This. It's not that more bad things happen to sanctimonious parents. It might just be that you notice it more, because you're already primed to look for their failures because their sanctimony was so irritating. It might also be that they have a harder time with these things, because of the same underlying issues that caused the sanctimony -- rigidity, lack of humor and humility, insecurity, need to feel in control, etc. Whereas the parents who are already more flexible, humble, and relaxed are dealing with the same things, just in a more low-key way, so it doesn't register the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only sanctimonious parent I know well is a dad. Super annoying. They have the sweetest child, and I love the mom dearly, but his self-congratulatory bragging about all his techniques that he used that resulted in such a wonderful child is almost unbearable.

That isn’t sanctimony.

It may be smugness.

They are different thing. Piety and hypocrisy have to be present for it to be sanctimony.

Are you just saying that because you think a dad can’t be sanctimonious, only a mom can? He judges others for doing it wrong and thinks he’s a better parent for having a “good” child. Their child is still very young, so they may or may not face other struggles as the child gets older. Too early to tell. But if you go by the dad, they will end up with the perfect child who does everything perfectly. He’s also an evangelist so I guess that part of it is in his blood.

No, I am saying you are using the word “sanctimonious” incorrectly and don’t seem to understand the definition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As a special needs mom, I'm speechless.

What are your special needs and why do they interfere with your ability to speak?

NP. You’re an idiot or you’re mean, or both. PP, don’t even waste time responding to this poster. If she weren’t so insulting, it might be worth it to empower her with information. As it stands, let her figure it out since her ability to learn is clearly demonstrated in this post.

Or, you know, I prefer using people-first language. Moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As a special needs mom, I'm speechless.

What are your special needs and why do they interfere with your ability to speak?

I loled. Unless the special needs this mom has is being a sanctimommy, this thread isn’t about her!

OP is positing that people who are sanctimonious are punished by having bad things happen to their kids. It's profoundly ableist and has implications for the experiences PP's kids will have in the world.

She's not saying that bad things happen to their kids, only that they (the sanctimonious parent) struggles with parenting their kid later on. That 'bad' stuff could be as run of the mill as the kid rebeling against everything the parent wanted for them (goes into a job field the parent doesn't view as prestigious, isn't interested in sports). She didn't say anything about the kids having something actually bad happen to them.

And yet something bad happening to a kid is a situation in which the parent is sure to struggle.

As I said, it's ableist. OP wasn't thinking about how the things she said would register on someone who has a kid with significant challenges--she had no intent. But she did have an impact.

I seriously wonder how people can be so stupid and mean sometimes. I could not live life that way. I would be miserable. It is so much easier to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is wrong with you people? Have you even been to the special needs forum? Do you understand what “special needs” means? Or is this C+ trolling?

WTF does any of this have to do with kids with special needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As a special needs mom, I'm speechless.

What are your special needs and why do they interfere with your ability to speak?

NP. You’re an idiot or you’re mean, or both. PP, don’t even waste time responding to this poster. If she weren’t so insulting, it might be worth it to empower her with information. As it stands, let her figure it out since her ability to learn is clearly demonstrated in this post.

Or, you know, I prefer using people-first language. Moron.

I’m not a moron. You are teasing a mother of a child with a disability. And suggesting that she deserved it by agreeing with OP’s stance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As a special needs mom, I'm speechless.

What are your special needs and why do they interfere with your ability to speak?

NP. You’re an idiot or you’re mean, or both. PP, don’t even waste time responding to this poster. If she weren’t so insulting, it might be worth it to empower her with information. As it stands, let her figure it out since her ability to learn is clearly demonstrated in this post.

Or, you know, I prefer using people-first language. Moron.

I’m not a moron. You are teasing a mother of a child with a disability. And suggesting that she deserved it by agreeing with OP’s stance.

PP again. Let me be clear. Her special needs are having to support a disabled child. To suggest she has an impairment on top of that is beyond bullying and cruel.

[Anonymous]

This irony of this thread is so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As a special needs mom, I'm speechless.

What are your special needs and why do they interfere with your ability to speak?

I loled. Unless the special needs this mom has is being a sanctimommy, this thread isn’t about her!

OP is positing that people who are sanctimonious are punished by having bad things happen to their kids. It's profoundly ableist and has implications for the experiences PP's kids will have in the world.

She's not saying that bad things happen to their kids, only that they (the sanctimonious parent) struggles with parenting their kid later on. That 'bad' stuff could be as run of the mill as the kid rebeling against everything the parent wanted for them (goes into a job field the parent doesn't view as prestigious, isn't interested in sports). She didn't say anything about the kids having something actually bad happen to them.

DP. You either misread or you're lying. From the OP:

Recently I am noticing a direct correlation between the moms who are the most smug, sanctimonious, and braggy about the early stuff (breastfeeding, sleep training, etc etc) that end up in the worst situations or with a ton of problems with their kids as they get older.

[Anonymous]

I have not noticed this from toddlerhood to teen, but I've had several conversations with friends about how it appears that being super restrictive and untrusting of your teen can lead to promiscuity, alcohol and drug abuse. Who know though, maybe those parents know something about their kid and that's why they are so restrictive in the first place. I don't have to be that restrictive with my kid because I trust her (to a point) It's a weird correlation though-- every super strict teen parent I know has a kid who is rebelling in disturbing ways.

[Anonymous]

I don't see it OP. You mean that because a mother made her own baby food, breastfed until age 2 and co-slept, etc that their child will grow up to be an a-hole and that it serves the mom right? weird post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see it OP. You mean that because a mother made her own baby food, breastfed until age 2 and co-slept, etc that their child will grow up to be an a-hole and that it serves the mom right? weird post.

Not just that they did these things, but did them BECAUSE it is universally the best way to parent, and explained to you (repeatedly) exactly why that is. Then they tried to make you feel bad about giving your baby formula or sleep training (or working out of the home, or not sending them to private school, or whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not noticed this from toddlerhood to teen, but I've had several conversations with friends about how it appears that being super restrictive and untrusting of your teen can lead to promiscuity, alcohol and drug abuse. Who know though, maybe those parents know something about their kid and that's why they are so restrictive in the first place. I don't have to be that restrictive with my kid because I trust her (to a point) It's a weird correlation though-- every super strict teen parent I know has a kid who is rebelling in disturbing ways.

I think this is true. Or they become emotionally crippled and end up acting as enforcers of whatever nonsense is being spouted. SO has some nutty cousins who think women wearing anything but long skirts deserve to be stoned to death. And they wonder why we went NC.