Being An Older FTM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like on this board anyone who had a kid before they were 30 are bashed since there's a large contingent of older moms here.

Once you leave the educated East Coast cities anyone who had a kid after 35 is mistaken for grandma. Women had kids after 35 for centuries. It's just that way back then no one was keeping tabs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pregnant with my first child at 38. I didn't meet my husband until I was 35. We are both very excited but I do feel discouraged when I see posts bashing older moms. I think many would agree that it would have been wonderful to have children soon but I was not willing to have a child with someone I wasn't sure about. I waited until I found a man who is a wonderful husband and who will be a great father. That was more important to me than having kids at a young age. We are also older and won't feel like we are missing out on anything as young parents ( two of my siblings were teen parents) and we are financially stable. We have the ability to pay for any form of childcare or for meet quit my job and stay at home while we have kids. We won't have the same stresses we would have had if we had met 10 years earlier. I do know I may not have as much energy as I did when I was younger but I feel the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. Any other older FTM parents feel this way?

Well, in this area your scenario is much more common than not.

I too am an older mother who had children at 37, 41 and 44. In retrospect, that was late, and benefits outweigh the advantages only in the sense that having a baby late is better than not having a baby at all, but if the choice was to have a baby at 31 or 41, then the benefits of 31 outweigh 41, no question.

The thing is - and don't take this the wrong way - you lack perspective. Because you're still pregnant and while you're thinking ahead to baby stage, you are probably not thinking ahead to elementary years, teenage years and your own aging in the context of having children later in life. Especially if you are planning to have more than one child. Our time with our grandparents was reduced; two are already dead and two remaining ones are 80+ and unlikely to spend much time with the kids. The children won't have the benefit of much time with the grandparents, and vice versa; plus, we are likely to spread ourselves thin caring for ailing, aging parents while our children are still in the age of high needs. (And this scenario is likely to repeat itself when we are aging and ailing, and our children are probably just getting started). Children are expensive, much more expensive the older they get. It goes on and on.

But as I said, if the choice is baby at 38 or no baby at all, I say go for baby. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 46. Not my ideal timing, but this is now my life worked out. Not bothered by bashing at all. To each their own, internet trolls shouldnt keep anyone up at night. OP - there is upside and downside to each decision we make. Celebrate your own timing and choices.

[Anonymous]

I had my only child at 45. I don’t regret a thing other than the reduced amount of time we will have together.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that talked about perspective and highlighted the choice at hand (baby at 38 or no baby). There are pros and cons to having kids at any age but the specifics of your situation are what shape your parenting experience (e.g., your child's temperament. some babies are easy and some are not, some kids are more challenging than others).

I was 37 and almost 39 when I had my kids and they're in elementary school now. Like you, I did not meet my husband until I was mid-30s and so the choice was to have kids in our late 30s or not have any kids at all. I have no regrets about having kids at that age and cannot imagine my life without them. But my kids' time with their grandparents was brief and that is something that I will always mourn. The limited time with grandparents is not unique to older FTMs but it is more likely.

I'd also try to avoid the generalizations about pros/cons of different age of FTM. Sure, you would have probably had more energy for babies when you were in your 20s but that doesn't mean you won't have the energy for it in your mid to late 30s. Many of my mom friends are about 5-ish years younger than me but I never felt like things were easier for them than for me during the sleepless newborn times. We all felt pretty tired and each baby's temperament and willingness to sleep played a bigger role in determining how tired each person felt.

Best of luck to you, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I had my first at 38 and my second at 40. I have found that, having lived a very full life before entering motherhood a bonus.

No regrets. I never feel like I lost out on anything.

You have the added benefit of a secure marriage, where you got to be a couple for awhile. You're more mature and can mange the energy drain that all parents experience by bringing in help that you can now afford.

I would not have been the parent I am today if I had become a mom earlier in my life. I admire those who could and have done well with it. Growing up with your children sounds wonderful. I don't envy it or judge it.

We all have our own path. This was mine, and I'm content.

This. You don't get as overwhelmed and you have more perspective. I went through a lot of medical issues when I was in my 30s, so parenthood came out to be much better in my late 30s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like on this board anyone who had a kid before they were 30 are bashed since there's a large contingent of older moms here.

Once you leave the educated East Coast cities anyone who had a kid after 35 is mistaken for grandma. Women had kids after 35 for centuries. It's just that way back then no one was keeping tabs.

They also had more kids. Centuries ago, First kid at 17, last kid in their 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like on this board anyone who had a kid before they were 30 are bashed since there's a large contingent of older moms here.

+1 I had my first baby at 30 and basically felt like a teen mom around here. It’s funny how many of the mom friends I’ve now made (through sports, school, neighborhood kids, etc.) who have kids similar ages to mine are 5-8 or even more years older than me. A good friend of mine had her kids at 39 and 41.

You are in good company in being an older mom in this area and will likely benefit from lots of hand-me-downs and advice from other moms. Whereas I was the first in my friend group to become a mom. It was actually lonely at times when my friends were still going to bottomless brunches, taking amazing vacations, etc. and I was leaking breastmilk, up all night with a baby, or dealing with potty training. There was no one around to gift me their old pack n play or warn me that breastfeeding would be difficult. I legit went into motherhood completely naive and without a support group.

At your age I imagine you have a better network of moms and you’ve likely gotten the travel/party bug out of your system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL you won’t get bashed, at least in this area. I had my first at 26 and you’d think I was a child bride based on the responses I get. Haven’t met anyone with kids who isn’t at LEAST 5 years older than me, majority are 10. You’ll fit right in.

Anyways, congrats!

+1 One of my mom friends just found out I was 29 when I had my first and she said I was a "teen mom by DC standards." You'll be totally average.

[Anonymous]

I had my first when I was 28 and I felt like the outsider! You'll be fine!
And by the way my DH and I are still together even though we got married at 25 (I am now 42), so you do you PP...

[Anonymous]

Almost 42 with my first. At 38 you are still "youngish" for a first in DC, haha.

[Anonymous]

This thread is encouraging. Still, what do you think of first-time mom at 45 with 61-year-old husband?…Trying to gauge what energy levels etc are going to look like down the road…

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 32, second and 35. Even I am in dmv area, I feel old looking around at my female coworkers with adult kids and they are either at my age or just a few years older. My youngest is still at daycare. It is funny that all of my friends from college have kids at older age like I do or some of them are still single with no kid.

[Anonymous]

First at 42. Im young at heart, so I never think about it. It doesn’t hurt that I look young too. Just stay healthy for your kiddo and you’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 27, pregnant with 2nd and will deliver at 37.

I can tell you that I am much more confident and comfortable now then I was then, when I was the first in my friend group to have a kid. It was so, so, isolating. I love my child dearly but it was HARD. I felt like a freak around here. Most of our friends weren’t even married yet. Now there are a slew of people my age with preschoolers, so I’m jumping into hand me downs and friends who get it. It’s kind of awesome.

Do I wish it was a few years earlier? I guess it would be nice to be done with college payments at 50 instead of 60. But I wasn’t ready then. I needed the large gap.

Congratulations