Being An Older FTM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one cares. Seriously. This was a difficult lesson for me as a FTM, but you'll save a lot of energy if you stop perceiving judgment where there isn't any. And where there is actual judgment? Truly, truly not worth spending any time on.

This is good life advice for all topics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People will bash you for anything and everything. Just learn to block it out and live your life. Take what you can from DCUM but don't take everything to heart. These are strangers. You are in charge of YOUR life.

This! Dcum is not real life. Don’t take anything you read here seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you're imagining the bashing of older moms. I'm in the same boat and have experienced zero bashing.

+1! I didn't meet DH til our mid-30s and then we wrestled with infertility for years. Had my first at 44 and possibly going to have a second at 47. Never experienced any judgement at all, for age, for not BF, for letting my toddler follow her natural tendency to sleep from 11 pm - 10 am (one plus to being older in my case: we can afford a nanny so can accommodate that schedule), etc. Sure, there are harsh comments out there on the internet - omg, some of the comments on WaPo articles about infertility and older parents, good grief - but honestly? As other posters have said, no one really is thinking about it and all normal people will just be happy for you. Just as I am happy for people I know who had babies at 22! It's all just life.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy it! We had our two at 39 and 41 and it didn’t take long before most of our friends were ten years younger than us. We are now 60 and many people that age just seem so old to us because of where they are in life. Kids can be exhausting but they keep you young.

[Anonymous]

For every post bashing an older mom, there is one bashing a younger mom. People can just be super judgy online. But it's not real life. I got off DCUM when DS was a baby. It convinced me that I was going to be judged for everything and that other moms wouldn't like me. But that's not what I experienced at all. In real life, no one cared about my age, how I gave birth, how I fed DS, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy it! We had our two at 39 and 41 and it didn’t take long before most of our friends were ten years younger than us. We are now 60 and many people that age just seem so old to us because of where they are in life. Kids can be exhausting but they keep you young.

This! My parents, especially my dad, were very judgmental about us deciding to have kids in our late 30s. They had all their kids in their 20s and have a very rigid conception of what life is supposed to look like. I've learned to never say things like "I'm tired" or mention that I have any physical ailment, because my parents will use it as a justification for saying that older parents don't have the physical stamina to parent young children.

I was active before having kids but I still appreciate how much having young kids forces me to move around. It's also great, in your 40s, to be able to be active in an unserious way. It reminds you that it just feels good to move your body, and you don't have to suck all the joy out of exercise by focusing on your step count all the time. You can just run around and jump on things and play in the water. It's so liberating. My kids have also made me want to do silly things, like dye my hair purple or wear goofy clothes sometimes, just to make them laugh. Being an older mom has been wonderful for my health and outlook. I might have a few more fine lines and gray hairs, but I could care less because I'm having too good of a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pregnant with my first child at 38. I didn't meet my husband until I was 35. We are both very excited but I do feel discouraged when I see posts bashing older moms. I think many would agree that it would have been wonderful to have children soon but I was not willing to have a child with someone I wasn't sure about. I waited until I found a man who is a wonderful husband and who will be a great father. That was more important to me than having kids at a young age. We are also older and won't feel like we are missing out on anything as young parents ( two of my siblings were teen parents) and we are financially stable. We have the ability to pay for any form of childcare or for meet quit my job and stay at home while we have kids. We won't have the same stresses we would have had if we had met 10 years earlier. I do know I may not have as much energy as I did when I was younger but I feel the benefits outweigh the disadvantages. Any other older FTM parents feel this way?

I haven’t read other responses but here it is: I was a “geriatric” mother. I had been with DH for 12 years when we had DD.

I feel the same way you do, and if I know *I* am a better mother at this age than I would have been younger.

That said.. you sound like you’re overcompensating and defensive about being an older mother. People bash old moms, people bash yong moms. People bash moms of singletons, people bash moms of what they perceive as herds. They will bash the breast feeders, the formula feeders, the SAH and the working moms.

Make your decisions for you, and understand everyone else is doing the same thing, and don’t judge them for that. You’re already coming across as “my way is better”, and let me tell you: motherhood is going to humble you out of that somehow.

[Anonymous]

It's late so take it easy you are elderly maternal age

[Anonymous]

I interviewed 3 OB when pregnant and asked them what the average age of their FTMs were. All said over 35 and they said I was “really young” for having a kid at 30. You’re more the norm now in this area.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you feel that way, OP. You can never win as a mom. You’re either too young, too old, not engaged enough, overly engaged....

Everyone’s perspective is different. I don’t have a single friend who had a baby before mid-thirties. But family members who live in other areas all had babies before 25. One cousin said, half-kidding but half-passive aggressively that I was really “taking my time” when I had a baby at 33. But I was the first one of all my friends so felt like I was “young” to be having a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like on this board anyone who had a kid before they were 30 are bashed since there's a large contingent of older moms here.

+1. What's ironic is most of those parents who get married and have kids younger and divorced by mid-to-late thirties. I would rather wait later to find the right person and be an older parent, than rush into it and be young and divorced with kids. Not saying that happens all of the time but divorce rates are high. DC hates some of the highest cheating rates in the country. Older parents can get divorced but I think it's more likely when you're younger and don't fully know what you want. Many people who get married later in life have the advantage of life experience and knowing what they want in a partner.

Right. Those are the only 2 options. Either you can be an old parent or a really young divorced parent. There’s NO OTHER option.

This PP was pointing out divorce rates are higher for those who get married in their 20s, which is absolutely true. Divorce rates are actually pretty low, comparatively, if you get married later.

[Anonymous]

Thirty-eight isn’t old at all in this area. I had my first at 42 and second at 44. Most moms I’ve met are only 5-7 years younger. It’s pretty rare that I feel the age gap. Good luck! We get tired sometimes but don’t regret our decision for one minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like on this board anyone who had a kid before they were 30 are bashed since there's a large contingent of older moms here.

+1. What's ironic is most of those parents who get married and have kids younger and divorced by mid-to-late thirties. I would rather wait later to find the right person and be an older parent, than rush into it and be young and divorced with kids. Not saying that happens all of the time but divorce rates are high. DC hates some of the highest cheating rates in the country. Older parents can get divorced but I think it's more likely when you're younger and don't fully know what you want. Many people who get married later in life have the advantage of life experience and knowing what they want in a partner.

Right. Those are the only 2 options. Either you can be an old parent or a really young divorced parent. There’s NO OTHER option.

This PP was pointing out divorce rates are higher for those who get married in their 20s, which is absolutely true. Divorce rates are actually pretty low, comparatively, if you get married later.

You and PP can go away and start your own thread. The post has absolutely nothing to do with the original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to motherhood. You're going to be judged on *everything*.

Breastfed vs. formula
Co-sleeping vs. crying it out
Dressing baby in appropriate clothing in winter.
Starting on solids
Letting have a bottle too long
Pacifier for too long
Working outside the home vs. stay at home mom
Daycare center vs. home daycare vs. nanny vs. stay at home mom
Toilet training
Screen time
Reshirting for kindergarten

And that's just up to the age of 5. Ignore it and do what's right for you and your family.

-Mom of two
36 and 40 when they were born

+1000. You do what's right for you and try to instill that in your kid! 38 for a FTM is par for the course in DC, you won't feel out of place. -signed mom of two, 33 and 38 when they were born.

[Anonymous]

Do not worry OP, just enjoy your pregnancy and babies.

I find that in real life other moms don't care/don't ask my age. I was a younger mom at 22, but my son's 18 now (still happily married BTW, so lets squash that nonsense). My aunt is 20 years older than me and we had babies at the same time. If anything, it really bridged the gap in our relationship. She and I are closer than she and my dad. We are in the same stage of life, and can relate to each other's parenting challenges. She is more a peer to me than my parents, and that's okay.

Similarly, my close friend, who is also 40 just had a baby. I don't see her as an older FTM. Just a mom, with a newborn, while I'm a mom with teens. It's really not a big deal anywhere than on DCUM where some people feel insecure in their choices. Finally, most of the time being a first time mom is a product of circumstances and luck. I met my spouse early, some meet their later. It's the luck of the draw.