If you have two boys, 2 years apart, when did life feel manageable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, it's fairly common for special needs parents to be separated and for one to be the only caregiver. Hence why books that have actually dealt with such families like Autistic Logistics wisely suggest tactics that don't require input.

I actually do have a supportive husband and even so I find he just cannot help in the beginning. Once I have.the system working he does help keep it going. I've seen this dynamic go both ways.

Is this OP?

If so, why can't you tell your husband what to do on weekends so you can get some time alone, even for just an hour to shower and watch a TV show or something?

Not OP. My husband does help. I'm the pp autistic logistics lady.

Unless you've lived with a child w serious special needs, don't judge. If it was as simple as telling her partner to step up, it would have happened already. I have a supportive husband and he does help - but he is often busy, our child sleeps only 2-3 hours a night which means we are always exhausted. And different people react to stress differently. There is no question any kind of special need is a high stress situation for a family.

I hate when people blame the mom. Why dont you just x y z. You can make suggestions but not everyone has the same life situation as you and kids needs are different too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone's brought it up... but how's your nanny? I find it incredibly inflexible that she you said she only works 8am-5pm and not a minute more. How does she do with your kids? Is your house in an acceptable condition during the week? Do you have cameras to know what she does/how she copes with your younger child?

If she's good, then you could observe some strategies. Ideally, she's be willing to stay an extra 15 minutes (paid) and talk with you about it.

The nanny already works 45 hours a week...it's not fair to expect her to want to do more time if she has a life of her own.

Op here. My nanny is great but for her working 8-5 m-f is actually quite a bit more than she’d like to be working. She’d prefer a 35 hour per week schedule so I can’t ask her for more.

She does really well. The house is in acceptable condition by the end of the day (she picks up during nap time). Some days it’s even almost clean, other days not as much but she’s busting her butt so I don’t say anything other than thank you.

She does text me ideas and strategies. They behave better for her in general, especially the 4 yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, it's fairly common for special needs parents to be separated and for one to be the only caregiver. Hence why books that have actually dealt with such families like Autistic Logistics wisely suggest tactics that don't require input.

I actually do have a supportive husband and even so I find he just cannot help in the beginning. Once I have.the system working he does help keep it going. I've seen this dynamic go both ways.

Is this OP?

If so, why can't you tell your husband what to do on weekends so you can get some time alone, even for just an hour to shower and watch a TV show or something?

Not OP. My husband does help. I'm the pp autistic logistics lady.

Unless you've lived with a child w serious special needs, don't judge. If it was as simple as telling her partner to step up, it would have happened already. I have a supportive husband and he does help - but he is often busy, our child sleeps only 2-3 hours a night which means we are always exhausted. And different people react to stress differently. There is no question any kind of special need is a high stress situation for a family.

I hate when people blame the mom. Why dont you just x y z. You can make suggestions but not everyone has the same life situation as you and kids needs are different too

Op here. How does your child sleep so little? I am so sorry. Sleep is so important. My kids thankfully, are okayish sleepers. The little one sleeps usually from 8 pm to 5 am and the older one from 9 to 6. Sometimes they take naps, maybe 50% of the time. I count minutes til bedtime every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure the answer to this, but can you shower and brush your hair during your lunch hour while the nanny is there? Saturday and Sunday might be a miserable mess, but you’d have time to “yourself” 5 days per week.

Op here. I am able to get a little time a couple days of the week but not everyday. Our nanny works 8-5 and not a minute more, which is unfortunately exactly the hours I need to be present at work. I usually have to work through lunch but sometimes manage to take a shower or do some laundry or hit the grocery store.

Does your husband/partner ever have the kids so you can have a break?

No.

Was that OP who responded no? Why doesn't your husband ever have the kids?

Op here. Yes, it was me who responded “No”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, it's fairly common for special needs parents to be separated and for one to be the only caregiver. Hence why books that have actually dealt with such families like Autistic Logistics wisely suggest tactics that don't require input.

I actually do have a supportive husband and even so I find he just cannot help in the beginning. Once I have.the system working he does help keep it going. I've seen this dynamic go both ways.

Is this OP?

If so, why can't you tell your husband what to do on weekends so you can get some time alone, even for just an hour to shower and watch a TV show or something?

Not OP. My husband does help. I'm the pp autistic logistics lady.

Unless you've lived with a child w serious special needs, don't judge. If it was as simple as telling her partner to step up, it would have happened already. I have a supportive husband and he does help - but he is often busy, our child sleeps only 2-3 hours a night which means we are always exhausted. And different people react to stress differently. There is no question any kind of special need is a high stress situation for a family.

I hate when people blame the mom. Why dont you just x y z. You can make suggestions but not everyone has the same life situation as you and kids needs are different too

PP, YOU are the one who said that once you have a system in place your husband will follow it. So I asked why you can't give him a plan for the weekend to get some time to yourself. Did I judge you? No, that was the chip on your shoulder talking. I'm sorry you have one, but you're going to lead a much more miserable life assuming that everyone is judging and blaming you than if you don't assume that everyone is out to get you. Then you accuse me of blaming the mom when YOU were the one who said YOU establish the systems and then your husband follows them. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure the answer to this, but can you shower and brush your hair during your lunch hour while the nanny is there? Saturday and Sunday might be a miserable mess, but you’d have time to “yourself” 5 days per week.

Op here. I am able to get a little time a couple days of the week but not everyday. Our nanny works 8-5 and not a minute more, which is unfortunately exactly the hours I need to be present at work. I usually have to work through lunch but sometimes manage to take a shower or do some laundry or hit the grocery store.

Does your husband/partner ever have the kids so you can have a break?

No.

Was that OP who responded no? Why doesn't your husband ever have the kids?

Op here. Yes, it was me who responded “No”.

OP, what can your husband do to help you out? You sound like you're at the end of your rope and I'm sorry about that.

[Anonymous]

I thought 1.5 was the hardest age. I don’t have 2 boys but my first is a very sensory seeking active boy and I didn’t feel like life started getting easier until 2. Still wasn’t easy but he could watch some tv at that point and sit for a couple minutes and could communicate better. I put him in a 2s program a few mornings a week We went to the playground twice a day. During Covid it must be so hard!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure the answer to this, but can you shower and brush your hair during your lunch hour while the nanny is there? Saturday and Sunday might be a miserable mess, but you’d have time to “yourself” 5 days per week.

Op here. I am able to get a little time a couple days of the week but not everyday. Our nanny works 8-5 and not a minute more, which is unfortunately exactly the hours I need to be present at work. I usually have to work through lunch but sometimes manage to take a shower or do some laundry or hit the grocery store.

Does your husband/partner ever have the kids so you can have a break?

No.

Was that OP who responded no? Why doesn't your husband ever have the kids?

Op here. Yes, it was me who responded “No”.

OP, what can your husband do to help you out? You sound like you're at the end of your rope and I'm sorry about that.

Is your DH overwhelmed by having both at once? Can he take one kid out for a bit? That sounds really challenging, I'm sorry. I will say for me that age was the hardest. I found at 3 things became much easier and by 5 parenting becomes much more enjoyable because kids are so much better at communicating and able to do more for themselves.

If your DH isn't taking the kids or helping with them, can you unload the other chores to him (laundry, grocery, food) to balance the load?

[Anonymous]

Mine are 18 months apart and life feels really easy now that they're 4 and soon to be 6. They generally entertain themselves and aside from the general cleanup due to pets and projects, it's really not tough at all anymore. It's hell the first two years and then every year gets easier and easier.

[Anonymous]

When my two boys got a little older, my husband gleefully joined in on their roughhousing, so I just gave up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure the answer to this, but can you shower and brush your hair during your lunch hour while the nanny is there? Saturday and Sunday might be a miserable mess, but you’d have time to “yourself” 5 days per week.

Op here. I am able to get a little time a couple days of the week but not everyday. Our nanny works 8-5 and not a minute more, which is unfortunately exactly the hours I need to be present at work. I usually have to work through lunch but sometimes manage to take a shower or do some laundry or hit the grocery store.

Does your husband/partner ever have the kids so you can have a break?

No.

Was that OP who responded no? Why doesn't your husband ever have the kids?

DP. I prioritized making weekends family time, so my boys could have time with dad. Dad left for work before school and got home after bed time. Still does a decade later. On weekends he sometime engages with them if it involves baseball or watching TV while eating g dinner. It was a mistake to try to schedule things so he could do things with the kids because because he rarely does. On weekends he has church (4-6 hours including travel time), work and chilling out in his office. He cuts the grass every week or two. It’s sad and the kids have a friendly but distant relationship with him. I resent him for this.

The boys are pretty chill. I don’t see them anything like how parents stereotype sons. They are active and play sports. I’ve coached them sometimes, and they and their teammates are not any more crazy than girls I coached pre-kids of my own. I don’t see so much of behavior/energy divide as much people like to claim. What I do see sometimes among SOME parents is a higher toleration for mischief and amped behavior for their sons.

Op I think things settled down when my kids were high potty trained. They are a year and half apart.

[Anonymous]

My boys are 6 and 3. It's been getting progressively easier since the youngest turned 2.

For indoor activities, buy large foam blocks on amazon and put them in a safe room. My boys use them to build forts, houses, etc. They climb all over them and run in circles around them. It's money well spent for us. I initially bought them for rainy days but they get played with daily.

[Anonymous]

My point was that yes, I establish the systems and my husband follows them. OP said her husband doesn't take the kids.

My point was that life w special needs is not quite as simple as life w regular kids. Everyone works that out differently.