Only child
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Anonymous
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Another single mom by choice here. I adopted my only and agree an only child is lots of fun and -- for me --pretty darn easy. My DD is now 12. Preparing for those teen years!
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Anonymous
Your experiences and your parents’ experiences decades ago are COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT to the current state of adoption in the US and around the globe. You clearly don’t know anything. Adopting these days is extremely difficult and many people - my and my DH included - cannot. |
Anonymous
My DH and I wanted to adopt and consistently told by reputable agencies that we'd need $25 - 60K to complete the adoption process. The cost is absurd and prohibitive. We went the IVF route - less expensive, despite not being our first choice. |
Anonymous
I never understand why this is so prohibitive. $25k is the cost of one year of childcare, and is almost certainly less than the cost of becoming a SAHM. Of course it’s a lot of money, but it’s just a drop in the bucket compared to the overall cost of raising a child. |
Anonymous
Because you don't pay for childcare in a lump sum. You pay for it monthly, and you earn income monthly. For adoption, you have to save $25K (which is the MINIMUM amount) up front, and then ALSO pay for childcare, etc. If you can't understand that, you live in a different world than most people. |
Anonymous
Forgot how babies are made? |
Anonymous
I don’t live in a different world. Can’t you put the money away monthly, then pay it in a lump sum at the end of a year? Then, after that, you pay daycare monthly. It just doesn’t seem like such a huge barrier to me. $25k is not $1m. I am not saying that I don’t understand the barriers to adoption. I used to live in a rural area where almost everyone went to the same mega church led by a minister who was very vocal about adoption. It was incredibly common even among people who didn’t struggle with infertility, and adoption was a frequent topic of discussion. I get that there are a lot of problems. You might have to take a lot of time off work suddenly. It can be hard to get childcare for older children. Kids from orphanages might have difficulty transitioning into a new home or unexpected delays, etc etc. But it was rare that people brought up the cost of adopting as a big barrier. |
Anonymous
Another mom of an only now afraid to go outside lest someone throws a playskool barn at me! |
Anonymous
What an insightful comment. OP and I cannot have another. Thanks. |
Anonymous
This is interesting-so you knew a lot of people who adopted? Everyone I've ever heard/talked to says how incredibly difficult it was. What was the experience of the people you knew. How did the integration into the family go? I am concerned about how to handle integrating an adopted child with a bio. Don't want to favor one or the other and want to do the best for both. |
Anonymous
I am not sure how to share the most relevant parts of their experiences in a few sentences. They had some of the difficulties I mentioned above. The first few weeks or months were the hardest, and the children were developmentally delayed initially. My friends and family who adopted also went to see a child psychologist who specialized in adoption prior to bringing their children home and for a while after they got home. She gave parents a better idea of what to expect and how to deal with it. If you are curious about how to make it work, I would start with making an appointment with a psychologist specializing in adoption and see if you can get some questions answered. |
Anonymous
Lol.. I know exactly the culture you’re talking about. Let me tell you why they don’t bring up the past: because they are taught that “the Lord will provide”. The three F’s of adoption, according to them, are faith, family, and fundraising. They’re expecting other people to pay for their adoption. They fundraise – and by that I mean ask for money – incessantly. It’s been a bit of a rift in my relationship with these people because, no, I haven’t given them a dime, because I don’t thank they are well positioned to take care of a child, financially, emotionally, or professionally. And the requests for money are literally every week. These adoptions are 99% of the time foreign adoptions, by the way. That’s what’s in style, collecting as many children from different countries as possible. Zero interest in domestic adoption. I can’t say that I understand why, I don’t think it’s straight up racism as children from African countries are also very desirable. But it’s something weird and unsavory. Anyway, all of this was to say that the way all those church people you know are financing their adoptions are by begging from other people, and I don’t exactly see that as being the style of the most DCUM parents. |
Anonymous
What? No. They didn’t. These are my close friends and relatives. I also attended this church. No one was fundraising. That would definitely be something I would call “bringing up finances.” But maybe that would hold off on buying that Harley or putting an addition on their house. |
Anonymous
Pp here. Obviously I meant to type barb. I don’t know if you’re actually trying to be cute and funny or if you’re purposely being a jerk, but I don’t appreciate you mocking my post at all. |
Anonymous
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Only child who is now a parent to an only child. Its just how it worked out.
All the most selfish and spoiled people I have met in the world have had siblings. "Spoiled-ness" is a function of socialization. I'm sure there are spoiled only children out there, but to assume its the norm has no basis in any reality. Also, being spoiled later in life is a function of choice. You can parent the best possible way and your child ends up being an ass in life due to their choices and experiences. All any of us can do is our best. |