Only child

[Anonymous]

I have an only after infertility. We looked into adoption and reputable places are $40k for domestic infant adoption - about $30k plus another $10k in additional fees. Most of us do not have an extra $3-3.5k in their monthly budget to put aside. And even if they do, it’s really really hard to tell someone in the middle of infertility they have to wait ANOTHER year or two before even starting the 2+ year adoption process.

[Anonymous]

Only child with an only child here. I had a happy, full childhood. My parents encouraged activities for me and while they had high expectations of me, I never felt pressured by them to do something/be someone they pictured. They allowed me to be me. I never missed large families when I was younger because I didn't have one, and when I got older and hung out more with my friends' families, I appreciated the calmness of my own family. I married into a big family so it ended up being the best of both worlds.

With our only, I am trying to support him without any pressure. Encouraging him to be who he is. l I'd say the only thing we're doing differently is my mom did everything for me growing up (cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc) so when I went to college (before internet and cell phones) there was a big learning curve. We also encourage his relationships with his cousins as I was not close with my cousins growing up. Obviously that's a lot easier now with Facetime and such, all I had as a kid was letters and long distance.

[Anonymous]

Another single adopter here. I am a teacher and I could afford international adoption. It was about 22K back then in 1999. I saved up for several years, worked a second job during the school year -- 2 evenings a week plus all day Sunday plus full time in summer (all of that i guess is the equivalent of a partner's income) , and had a housemate in my home until i started my home study. You do what you gotta do. I wanted one child, I got one child. Life is full and full of adventure.

My daughter is now in college majoring in Anthropology.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Try having a second

+1. Only children are kind of odd. It’s hard to develop a thick skin whenever everyone you live with is nice to you, treats you fairly, and talks to you like your thoughts and opinions matter.

Kids with siblings are kind of mean. It's hard to develop a positive attitude and confidence when everyone you live with is tired, stressed out, competitive, and doesn't have time to listen to your thoughts and opinions.

Exactly!
And since kids with siblings make up most of the world, most only children end up like Micheal Scott from The Office.

Unrelenting optimism and confidence to the point that you lack self-awareness is awesome when you are trying to give Mr. Pendergast a new outlook on life, but it helpful as an adult in the real world.

Your only hope, OP, is to not be a great parent all of the time .

Even he realized that siblings are important for kids; he wanted 100 children so they’d all be best friends with him!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what help OP is asking for. I have an only. Its been hard for her during this period because she is lonely. Is that what you mean OP?

OP here. I am unable to have another. I am looking for help/resources on how to parent DC successfully. I was an only for a long time until my parents had a late in life child and I hated being an only and was so happy for my sibling (we are very close). I feel very sad I cannot give this to DC.

Really sorry OP. Your DC will be 100% fine and happy... if YOU really want another, maybe consider adoption?

This.

OP, if you only want another child if you can give birth to them I think you really need to think about why this is true. There is nothing wrong with being an only child. I’m sorry you didn’t like it but tons of people do.

Well, at least you didn’t say “just adopt”.

Anyone who is faced infertility has considered adoption, I promise you. It’s not that obscure a concept. There are also many many reasons why a family would not want to or would not be able to adopt.

As someone with an adopted sibling, I guess I'm not super sympathetic to the hang-wringing about insisting on bringing a child into the world on your own and the insistence that adoption is not something you would consider. If you don't want to adopt, then fine, don't do it, but at least acknowledge that your horror over having an only child is a decision that you are in fact making. And actually, my parents adopted a baby who was taken back by her birth parents right before she was six months old (we adopted her at birth). And then they adopted another child. So I am aware of the time, cost, and emotional requirements related to adopting, and I don't take it lightly.

OP here - was the adopted sibling you grew up with your only sibling (outside of the baby who was taken back)? How did you feel about having an adopted sibling? Did/does your child feel as much a part of the family as you? Do you feel your parents ever favored you? Or was it quite the other way? I know all this sounds crazy and may be too prying, but these are things that have run through my mind emotionally.

OP, PP here. Sorry for the delay in responding, but I'm not on DCUM every day! I was the only child my mom birthed and then it was just me and my adopted brother (I never called him my "adopted brother," I'm just being clear who I'm talking about). I honestly thought having an adopted sibling was sort of a better deal than having a blood sibling because I didn't lose my mom in any way while she was pregnant! I don't have any blood siblings to compare it to, but I never treated him differently because he was adopted. I also don't think I felt any less close to him because he was adopted. He struggled at times with being adopted in the same way I think many people do, but I don't think he has ever felt like our parents are any less his, if that makes sense. He was adopted the day he was born, so I don't know how that affects things, but he was just always part of our family. I also have a friend who was adopted and then her parents went on to have three biological kids and the four of them are super close as siblings and all very close to their parents. Our good friends also have an adopted daughter who is friends with our daughters (she is an only child) and was also adopted at birth. Yes, there can be issues that arise with feelings of abandonment, etc., but that's just their family as they've always known it. I've also had friends who have adopted older children and I do think that is harder because there was a time before they were a family, if that makes sense. If anything, I think my parents favored my brother when we were younger, but that's also probably because he was younger than me so he was more of a baby and I was a pretty easy kid (never got into trouble, didn't drink until college, never stayed out late, etc.).

If you are interested in adoption, I would suggested reading some books and talking to people who have done it and are going through it. Much like here on DCUM if you ask people what life is like with four kids, for example, you'll get lots of different stories! I think the only thing I can think to say is that from the moment my brother was handed to my parents, he was just my brother, plain and simple. I think my parents felt the same way. I'm not saying it's like that for everyone, of course, and I can only speak for myself, but I will say I never thought of my nuclear family (my parents and I) and then my brother as separate. Not even once.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what help OP is asking for. I have an only. Its been hard for her during this period because she is lonely. Is that what you mean OP?

OP here. I am unable to have another. I am looking for help/resources on how to parent DC successfully. I was an only for a long time until my parents had a late in life child and I hated being an only and was so happy for my sibling (we are very close). I feel very sad I cannot give this to DC.

Really sorry OP. Your DC will be 100% fine and happy... if YOU really want another, maybe consider adoption?

This.

OP, if you only want another child if you can give birth to them I think you really need to think about why this is true. There is nothing wrong with being an only child. I’m sorry you didn’t like it but tons of people do.

Well, at least you didn’t say “just adopt”.

Anyone who is faced infertility has considered adoption, I promise you. It’s not that obscure a concept. There are also many many reasons why a family would not want to or would not be able to adopt.

As someone with an adopted sibling, I guess I'm not super sympathetic to the hang-wringing about insisting on bringing a child into the world on your own and the insistence that adoption is not something you would consider. If you don't want to adopt, then fine, don't do it, but at least acknowledge that your horror over having an only child is a decision that you are in fact making. And actually, my parents adopted a baby who was taken back by her birth parents right before she was six months old (we adopted her at birth). And then they adopted another child. So I am aware of the time, cost, and emotional requirements related to adopting, and I don't take it lightly.

Your experiences and your parents’ experiences decades ago are COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT to the current state of adoption in the US and around the globe. You clearly don’t know anything. Adopting these days is extremely difficult and many people - my and my DH included - cannot.

PP here. I have several friends who have recently adopted children (like in the last 18 months), including one couple who is adopting a child due in September, so you can dismiss me if you want, but what I know is not COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. I'm sorry you and your husband are unable to adopt, but perhaps you would do better than direct your anger at me, since I have nothing to do with that.