One child in private, one in public. No special needs. Anyone doing this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I send my 10th grader to public school and my second grader to a small private school close to my office because of aftercare. I can't see paying a crazy amount of money for a few hours a day of care at a public school.

I don't think it's fair for my older daughter not to be able to participate in after school activities because she has to watch her sister everyday. It works for us.

Okay, so you made the decision that makes the most sense for your family and fits your needs best. It sounds like you did the right thing for your children and I congratulate you on being such a thoughtful parent. But (and you knew there was going to be a "but" didn't you?) YOU didn't make your decision SOLELY TO SAVE MONEY. Ergo, your odds that later in life one of your children is going to resent you for that decision and any perceived favoritism is greatly diminished from the OPs.

Ahhh no. My older daughter went to a private school until middle school when she could get off the bus and come home alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HA! I am the one that made the box of wine comment. And you may not believe it (again) but I am the OP! I am not all bad!

Touche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HA! I am the one that made the box of wine comment. And you may not believe it (again) but I am the OP! I am not all bad!

I believe it. Juvenile name calling directed at those who disagree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HA! I am the one that made the box of wine comment. And you may not believe it (again) but I am the OP! I am not all bad!

I believe it. Juvenile name calling directed at those who disagree with you.

That's not fair, it's not an accurate summation of what occurred. The OP explained why she originally claimed to have a boy and a girl, but that in fact she had two boys, and why she made the original misrepresentation (obfuscation of her real identity, which is not unreasonable, nor difficult to understand). Then another poster replied:

"I not believe you."

And the OP mimiced the syntax and replied:

"Why you not believe me? hee hee"

To which someone accused:

"sexist and racist too, aren't you lovely?"

And even though I had previously levelled a criticism at the OP, I felt compelled to point out:

"Sorry? How exactly does this make her sexist or racist?"

To which nobody replied, because after all there is no logical defense.

Then the OP made a joke about the nonsense (and failure to defend it) perhaps being the result of someone hitting the box of wine too hard.

And I thought that was perhaps a reasonable conclusion. Plus funny.

Now you come along and accuse her of juvenile name-calling, but that's not really what went down. You're being deliberately misleading. Shame, shame!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brothers were both sent to private and then when the time came along for me they couldn't afford to put me in private. The boys stayed in private and I went to public. My education was just as good but I, to this day, feel slighted because of this. Your kids won't understand your reasoning. They will just see and feel the perception that your older son goes to private while your daughter goes to public. I wouldn't do it. I'd send them both to public and spend the money saved on the family or more evenly on both kids - piano lessons, a vacation, tutoring, etc...

I have to agree with you. We know a family that has two DCs--the older one is at a top-notch private and the younger one is at a low-ranking public (due to financial constraints). The younger child is very resentful and definitely feels slighted because the disparity is so great. If the public school is very good, then I think it could work. But if the public is lacking (like in the case that I just mentioned), then you're going to have problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"DS couldn't hack it in public school but we thought you could"?

But what if this is true?

It might be true, but if the child perceives it to be unfair and perceives it to be favoritism, then you have all the seeds for resentment towards you and the sibling. Kids may not understand what is "true", but years down the road, they will still remember how your decisions made them feel.

[Anonymous]

Fairness does not mean that everything you do for one you do for the other. Fairness is giving each child what they need within the constraints of what is possible. We have said this to our children since they were old enough to understand.
I grew up in a house where too much was based on "Well, we did it for this one so we will do it for that one" or "Even though this one really needs this, we can't afford to do it for all so we will do it for no one." I can't tell you how much whining went on in our house about "That's not fair, so and so got that." It drove my parents crazy and it has carried over into our adult lives.
We are pretty open with our children, who have VERY different needs, about why we do what we do for each and I think over time they have seen that they each need more in certain areas and at different times and that there is no need to keep a mental balance sheet.
Some parents that are worried about resentment over everything not being equal are harboring some resentment themselves from perceived unfairness in the past. Hopefully, my children will not grow up and have these worries about there own kids due to our philosophy. We can only hope that our frequent conversations about why we have made certain decisions help to put things in context.

[Anonymous]

The two PP's are literally making the two points that I have swimming in my head, 24/7 (OP here). Obviously, everyone is giving me advice based on their own family experience and that is tainted with other family dynamics that I simply don't know. I am paralyzed with regret.

Do I yank my VERY happy son in private for the POSSIBILITY of sending my second son to public?? In THREE YEARS from now? It seems hasty, doesn't it? And, it really does not seem FAIR. Your brother can do Public school, so guess what, you MUST also? Strikes me as....wrong. And narrow-minded. BUT, what if I were that second child? I don't know. My bro and I went to different schools the entire time, but all private, so....did I care? Would I have cared otherwise?

Is there a possibility that the people that feel that EVERYTHING must be fair and the same also had other inequities in the house? Did the parents carry it along to other topics?

And, thanks to 1:07 for the thorough and kind defense. Meant a lot, even in this bizarro world of DCURBANMOM.

[Anonymous]

I think in DC though that you are probably more likely to want to send him to Janney than Deal, right? Then to private for middle school? Is he in a K-8 now so you are set? I dunno OP, I think I'd be inclined to leave him where he is and try to come up with the money for second DC. I was the PP who suggested talking with a family therapist a few times to sort out your own family dynamics and how this might play out down the road.

[Anonymous]

Haven't had time to read the whole thread, but this makes total sense to me OP. I have a 4 year old DS who sounds a bit like your son and a 2 year old DD and we're considering just the same approach, at least for the early elementary years. Both kids will do well academically I think, and we're in FCPS so I'm not concerned about the public school academics, but DD (as far as we can tell so far) seems like the type of kid who will just jump right in, very sociable, etc...and I think she'll thrive in public school, whereas I think DS may need the smaller class size, a little more "coddling", a little more accountability in the school to the parents, etc...

Different kids, different approaches

I guess I don't see it as unfair because I don't think private is inherently better - I'm a huge believer in public schools, but I think DS may need something a bit different

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the responses here...lots to think about. Right now, I am leaning toward leaving the older child where he is. He is happy, he is thriving amazingly, and to move him for an eventuality seems and feels wrong to me. There are a 150,000 reasons to move him, but I feel like my instinct has never lead me wrong. So, I am gonna trust it and take it year by year and stop trying to plan for EVERY thing that COULD happen.

Thanks again. I got a lot of good feedback here...