One child in private, one in public. No special needs. Anyone doing this?

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to chill. You asked if it is unfair, and then you get pissed when people tells you it may appear that way.

Plenty of families do this because of fit, but you announced it was about saving money.

You may not like what 12:56 has to say, but I bet that there's a good chance your adolescent daughter will scream this at you one day as she slams the door in your face.

Will she get into the "right" private school when its time to make the change, or will your son do better then, too?

Maybe your son is needier, but if that's just a defense you tack on later when cornered, your daughter just won't buy it any more than I (or probably 12:56) do right now.

[Anonymous]

I send my 10th grader to public school and my second grader to a small private school close to my office because of aftercare. I can't see paying a crazy amount of money for a few hours a day of care at a public school.

I don't think it's fair for my older daughter not to be able to participate in after school activities because she has to watch her sister everyday. It works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I send my 10th grader to public school and my second grader to a small private school close to my office because of aftercare. I can't see paying a crazy amount of money for a few hours a day of care at a public school.

I don't think it's fair for my older daughter not to be able to participate in after school activities because she has to watch her sister everyday. It works for us.

Okay, so you made the decision that makes the most sense for your family and fits your needs best. It sounds like you did the right thing for your children and I congratulate you on being such a thoughtful parent. But (and you knew there was going to be a "but" didn't you?) YOU didn't make your decision SOLELY TO SAVE MONEY. Ergo, your odds that later in life one of your children is going to resent you for that decision and any perceived favoritism is greatly diminished from the OPs.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you talked to DS' school about the possibility of financial aid? Perhaps with 2 children there you would qualify for more than you think. It's worth a conversation if you haven't already. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the responses. I wanted to reiterate that I DID say if I thought the second child would do better in private, than so be it. I would send her along to a private. The money saved for five years would be great (to put her into DCPS), but not more important than her education and happiness.

I want to hear the opinions, but the sexism thing was just "shit-stirring" to me. It didn't come with any real info or thoughtfulness, just accusations. It struck me as thoughtless and lame.

I DO think there is real value in this idea of not trusting my older enough to hack it DCPS. For sure, he is anxious. This is not something in my head, but I can certainly make it worse by ALWAYS expecting he will never hack it in "the big school". My DH and I work very hard to not jump in too much, to not "save", to prep him for what is going to happen REASONABLY, etc. We do NOT hover.

I guess I really worry about moving him and having it be a disaster. A total disaster. And then what? Beg the old school back? Home school him? I doubt it could be THAT bad, but it is enough of a worry to make me waver.

I also really like the private school. It is a lovely life up there. Lots of nice amenities...I mean, who wouldn't like it? It is hard to leave a place like it, and I imagine I would want my second to go there too.

Ugh. I don't know anymore.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, kids will always find something they perceive as "unfair", no matter how even-handed you try to be. The depth of their feeling is often (not always) more related to their personalities and worldview than to the actual magnitude of the unfairness. Trying to make things fair is a hopeless game.

Instead, think about what is just. Only you know how much your DS needs the smaller environment, and only you know whether the core motivation is paying attention to each kid's needs, and how much is saving money. As a parent, I try to make sure each kid gets what I think he needs, not that everything is "fair".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, kids will always find something they perceive as "unfair", no matter how even-handed you try to be.

I totally agree with this, but sending them to different schools--just to save money--is such a glaring difference. I, too, thought of the potential for resentment by the daughter. OP should consider that conversation and what she would say. "We did it to save the money"? "DS couldn't hack it in public school but we thought you could"?

[Anonymous]

"DS couldn't hack it in public school but we thought you could"?

But what if this is true?

[Anonymous]

I dunno OP, I hoave mixed feelings about what you said having come from a family where my older brother was the coddled prince and I was to be "fine". He was adopted and I almost wonder if they were overcompensating. To give a different perspective, - it sounds like you may live in bounds for Janney from one of your comments. There are a lot of benefits from a neighborhood school that have nothing to do with the education. Spontaneous playdates, really feeling "part" of the neighborhood and school community, being able to walk to school. Some of that could also benefit your DS, but he may not have been ready for it and the whole construction period wouldn't be ideal. It sounds like he may be at a very structured school like WES. It's hard, you have to make the decisions as they come, and it sounds like DS is thriving. So in a sense, why think of moving him to give DD something that might not be the best fit for her. I'd really think about your motivations, and maybe talk to a family therapist a few times. I know that these decisions can seem extra overwhelming when you tend to be anxious yourself. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I also have a child with anxiety issues and I agree with OP that it is part of who he is, not something that could be eliminated through better parenting or better management, although lord knows we do our best at both. Our anxious child is also at private and I think it is helpful to him. So if OP's first child is at a school that seems to really work for him, I would be loathe to make a change. Even changing to a better school would be very difficult transition for such a child.

Regarding the younger child, I do think there is a very good chance of some resentment down the road ... it is human nature, particularly between siblings. BUT. If you cannot afford two private tuitions, then you cannot. I would just be sure that you really cannot ... is there any chance of getting financial aid? Any vacations, gym memberships, new cars, and so forth that could be forgone? Absolutely no need to justify or defend yourself here, and also no guilt. It sounds like you are doing your best for your kids ... they are lucky.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a PP. Would you consider DS's school ideal for DD? You are probably more likely to get FA if you have 2 in the same school, but if you are going to go private for DD you might want to look at other schools too.

If it was me, I'd probably send DD to public and spend some of the saved $ on activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the responses. I wanted to reiterate that I DID say if I thought the second child would do better in private, than so be it. I would send her along to a private. The money saved for five years would be great (to put her into DCPS), but not more important than her education and happiness.

I want to hear the opinions, but the sexism thing was just "shit-stirring" to me. It didn't come with any real info or thoughtfulness, just accusations. It struck me as thoughtless and lame.

I DO think there is real value in this idea of not trusting my older enough to hack it DCPS. For sure, he is anxious. This is not something in my head, but I can certainly make it worse by ALWAYS expecting he will never hack it in "the big school". My DH and I work very hard to not jump in too much, to not "save", to prep him for what is going to happen REASONABLY, etc. We do NOT hover.

I guess I really worry about moving him and having it be a disaster. A total disaster. And then what? Beg the old school back? Home school him? I doubt it could be THAT bad, but it is enough of a worry to make me waver.

I also really like the private school. It is a lovely life up there. Lots of nice amenities...I mean, who wouldn't like it? It is hard to leave a place like it, and I imagine I would want my second to go there too.

Ugh. I don't know anymore.

My comment that this was potentially a sexist decision was NOT, as I said already, a desire to ...as you so eloquently put it to stir ****. As I said already, I gave you my honest opinion, and there is a PP that provides a balanced commentary on my opinion. You come here to DCUM looking for feedback. Many posters come here to get honest feedback to questions they would rather not ask their friends or feel friends would not give an honest answer. This is a very useful role of this forum. Your dismissal of views that do not endorse a decision that you have seemingly already made is, again such eloquence, LAME.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I like OTHERS balanced commentary. I will even entertain the sexism, but you threw it out there WITHOUT commentary, without balance, without any indication from me that that would be the case. You have the right to say it. I have the right to say it is thoughtless and lame.

[Anonymous]

OP - I hope you can find a way to be less defensive with your daughter when she asks you about your parenting choices - and she might.

Again, there's nothing wrong with making different schooling choices for children with different needs. It may be sexism, favoritism on your part - may not. However, I do think you are going to need a reasonable answer for her and "I will not even entertain..." doesn't count as reasonable.

My mom made some choices that benefitted my brother at my expense during our childhood (life involves tradeoffs, and my brother was harder to educate). That would have been fine if she'd fessed up earlier and hadn't denied it when my development needed honesty.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I like OTHERS balanced commentary. I will even entertain the sexism, but you threw it out there WITHOUT commentary, without balance, without any indication from me that that would be the case. You have the right to say it. I have the right to say it is thoughtless and lame.

OP. You can't handle the truth.