If You Were An Older First Time Parent?

[Anonymous]

Had first DC at 38 (almost 39). Started trying again when DC was 9 months. Took 9 months to get pregnant again. Had a miscarriage. Took another 9 months to get pregnant again. Had second DC at 41 (almost 42).

You really just don’t know how it is all going to play out. So I would start trying sooner rather than later...

[Anonymous]

If you know you want a second I’d go for it early, especially if pregnancy didn’t take too big a toll on you. Wouldn’t try before 10 months but certainly after a year. I know too many people where secondary infertility was an issue.

I got pregnant when my first was a year (earlier than planned - had just gotten my period back and wasn’t having much sex, but wasn’t actively preventing since we figured we’d want another one relatively soon). My kids are 21 months apart. The first 6 months were hard but it’s been great since.

If you’d be happy with only one, go for whatever your ideal gap is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the posters telling OP to get pregnant right away, are you not aware of the risks in doing so? It’s common knowledge that you should give your body a year at least to heal from the first birth before getting pregnant again due to the risks of a second pregnancy so soon.

Research suggests that beginning a pregnancy within six months of a live birth is associated with an increased risk of:

Premature birth
The placenta partially or completely peeling away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery (placental abruption)
Low birth weight
Congenital disorders
Schizophrenia
Maternal anemia
In addition, recent research suggests that closely spaced pregnancies might be associated with an increased risk of autism in second-born children. The risk is highest for pregnancies spaced less than 12 months apart.

Closely spaced pregnancies might not give a mother enough time to recover from pregnancy before moving on to the next. For example, pregnancy and breast-feeding can deplete your stores of nutrients, particularly folate. If you become pregnant before replacing those stores, it could affect your health or your baby's health. Inflammation of the genital tract that develops during pregnancy and doesn't completely heal before the next pregnancy could also play a role.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/in-depth/family-planning/art-20044072

But, that risk must be balanced against not having a child and of being even older when you do. So high risk OBs counsel AMA women that waiting is often a higher risk (of birth issues and of not getting pregnant at all) than not waiting.

The things you mention are a risk for everyone; they may or may not be a higher risk in closely spaced pregnancies, but similarly there are risks to being AMA and those risks increase the longer you wait, so your doctor will help you deicide which risks are greater and which way to go.

There is no such thing as a pregnancy without risk, so one is always balancing relative risks.

Wait a year before getting pregnant. Your body has to recover. Then start trying for a second.

[Anonymous]

37 when ds was born. Starting trying at 41 and fertility was gone for me and dh.

[Anonymous]

The ideal gap if you can’t afford childcare is 3-4 years. The ideal gap for logistics is 1-2 grades. My kids are within a month of the school cut off on either side, so they are a little over 2 years apart, but 3 grades apart. If you are not working because you can’t afford childcare, the ideal gap is as close together as possible.

I had my kids at 36.25 and 38.5. I was ready physically and mentally to start trying again when my oldest was 15mo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ideal gap if you can’t afford childcare is 3-4 years. The ideal gap for logistics is 1-2 grades. My kids are within a month of the school cut off on either side, so they are a little over 2 years apart, but 3 grades apart. If you are not working because you can’t afford childcare, the ideal gap is as close together as possible.

I had my kids at 36.25 and 38.5. I was ready physically and mentally to start trying again when my oldest was 15mo.

OP here. We are financially stable and can afford childcare. I am working part-time ( I'm a nurse) but will likely go back full-time at a year. I am breastfeeding but we combo feed because I don't make enough milk. I don't really know if there is an ideal age gap, but many people on these threads have said 3 years because older child will be more independent when the second child is born. My OBGYN said not to start trying until 6 months. We really want a second child and maybe we should start sooner than a year. We are having sex regularly ( 3-4 times a week), but we are using birth control.

[Anonymous]

If you really want a second, start trying at 6 months. We also waited to have an ideal age gap, and never could conceive again even with many rounds of fertility treatment. In hindsight, I should have started trying much sooner, but I was younger than you and thought I had time. Fertility is a crap shoot, so don't gamble unless you're okay with being one and done.

[Anonymous]

16 months apart. The first couple of years are difficult, however, now at age 3 & 4 it is much better.

[Anonymous]

I was 44 with my first without any fertility issues or complications. I say you still have some time if you want to wait.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 36, second at 37, third at 41. The kids are all about 2.5 years apart. That age spread worked well. Recovery and deliveries were a bit longer with each subsequent pregnancy, but I'm not sure if that was my increasing age or just my body recovering from having been pregnant and breastfeeding for that number of years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ideal gap if you can’t afford childcare is 3-4 years. The ideal gap for logistics is 1-2 grades. My kids are within a month of the school cut off on either side, so they are a little over 2 years apart, but 3 grades apart. If you are not working because you can’t afford childcare, the ideal gap is as close together as possible.

I had my kids at 36.25 and 38.5. I was ready physically and mentally to start trying again when my oldest was 15mo.

OP here. We are financially stable and can afford childcare. I am working part-time ( I'm a nurse) but will likely go back full-time at a year. I am breastfeeding but we combo feed because I don't make enough milk. I don't really know if there is an ideal age gap, but many people on these threads have said 3 years because older child will be more independent when the second child is born. My OBGYN said not to start trying until 6 months. We really want a second child and maybe we should start sooner than a year. We are having sex regularly ( 3-4 times a week), but we are using birth control.

re: starting sooner than a year: it's a tough call, OP. I think an age gap of 16-18 months would be incredibly difficult, and that each month you can wait would make that first year or two of two kids less difficult. But each month you wait to try means less chance of conceiving. I don't think anyone will be able to predict whether it will make a difference if you start between 6 and 12 months or wait until after 12 months. My kids are 21 months apart. We definitely wanted a second kid but for the first month or so of DC2's life, I sort of regretted not waiting longer (DC2 was a much harder baby and it meant I had less time with DC1). That regret faded after the first couple of months and now I can't/don't want to imagine life without DC2.

re: DCUM threads on the advantages of a 3-year age gap: I'm sure things would have been easier at first if my DC1 had been older but that advantage isn't permanent, if there is one at all (e.g., you might expect DC1 to be completely potty trained by age 3 but many are not!). There are advantages to close in age kids, especially once they're both verbal and potty trained. They play together a lot and they overlap more in school and sports than they would if they were 3+ years apart.

[Anonymous]

You have a 4 month old and are having sex 3-4 times a week? How on earth do you have energy or interest? That time for us was serious survival mode and I was still so incredibly sore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a 4 month old and are having sex 3-4 times a week? How on earth do you have energy or interest? That time for us was serious survival mode and I was still so incredibly sore.

OP here. I have a high sex drive and sex to me is a stress reliever. We have a super easy baby that sleeps 10-12 hours a night and is good napper. I only work part-time, and we have tons of family that helps out. I'm very pro putting my marriage first, and that includes regular sex. My husband is super helpful, even more so on the nights he wants to have sex. He does the night routine with the baby and helps clean out from dinner most nights. I think I would be less likely to want sex if we had a more difficult baby or my husband was less helpful. There are still plenty of days where I'm too tired for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 4 month old and are having sex 3-4 times a week? How on earth do you have energy or interest? That time for us was serious survival mode and I was still so incredibly sore.

OP here. I have a high sex drive and sex to me is a stress reliever. We have a super easy baby that sleeps 10-12 hours a night and is good napper. I only work part-time, and we have tons of family that helps out. I'm very pro putting my marriage first, and that includes regular sex. My husband is super helpful, even more so on the nights he wants to have sex. He does the night routine with the baby and helps clean out from dinner most nights. I think I would be less likely to want sex if we had a more difficult baby or my husband was less helpful. There are still plenty of days where I'm too tired for it.

Your child sounds like a unicorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 4 month old and are having sex 3-4 times a week? How on earth do you have energy or interest? That time for us was serious survival mode and I was still so incredibly sore.

OP here. I have a high sex drive and sex to me is a stress reliever. We have a super easy baby that sleeps 10-12 hours a night and is good napper. I only work part-time, and we have tons of family that helps out. I'm very pro putting my marriage first, and that includes regular sex. My husband is super helpful, even more so on the nights he wants to have sex. He does the night routine with the baby and helps clean out from dinner most nights. I think I would be less likely to want sex if we had a more difficult baby or my husband was less helpful. There are still plenty of days where I'm too tired for it.

Your child sounds like a unicorn.

OP here. He is but we sleep trained which helped with his sleeping.